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The Date I Witnessed Between Wolf Girl and James Spader’s Lonely Doppelganger

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James Spader and Wolf Girl story Sarah Gailey

What follows is a true story. (Happy Halloween?)

 

Hugo and Campbell award finalist Sarah Gailey is an internationally-published writer of fiction and nonfiction. Her work has recently appeared in Mashable, the Boston Globe, and Fireside Fiction. She is a regular contributor for Tor.com and Barnes & Noble. You can find links to her work here. She tweets @gaileyfrey. Her debut novella, River of Teeth, and its sequel Taste of Marrow, are available from Tor.com.


Five Mythical Monsters From the Edges of the Map

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The season of ghouls and goblins upon us, and the monsters that show up often reflect our fear of the unknown. Across the street, my neighbors drape orange lights around tattered black clothes that stream from ghoulish skeletal masks. Pumpkins appear carved to reflect a kind of hunger that speaks to nature: We will all be devoured by the plants. The monsters in our culture that are most common, I think, involve ideas like “undeath” (which sounds like it isn’t such a bad deal if you can stomach a little murder) and afterlife entities like ghosts. Frankenstein’s monster and his bride are reconstituted dead bodies. Many of our modern monsters and monstrous frights involve the unknown, and for us, that means death.

But in other eras and other times, the unknown meant something more than just death. The unknown began a few miles from home, at the edge of the villages where the forests became dark, or the sea might drop off into an abyss at the edge of the world. On the maps of the world, scholars and learned men drew pictures of sea dragons and wrote Here there be Monsters. Stories and myths and legends filled the night with tales of the distant journeys and the bones of dinosaurs emerged occasionally to warn of dragons. The horrors of the world were close, and the unknown surrounded everything beyond them. There are monsters that used to be as common as vampires and mummies, but they have faded as maps have gotten smaller and the idea of the unknown has shifted out of the physical world, into a metaphysical one.

 

Skiapodes

Described by Pliny the Elder as having only one leg and spending much of their life lying on their backs in the sun, these monstrous men used their giant, singular foot to grant them shade. They have been called Monopods, and despite their singular appendage, they are described as speedy. They appear throughout medieval marginalia and art as a monstrous creature, a race of human so alien that when they appeared in C.S. Lewis’ Voyage of the Dawn Treader as “Dufflepuds” they were described not as men, but as dwarves. Perhaps the greatest appearance of a monopod in modern literature, though, is in Catherynne Valente’s seminal duology The Orphan’s Tales, where a monopod makes a memorable appearance In the Cities of Coin and Spice among numerous other monstrous and fabulous creatures ripped from medieval bestiaries.

 

Giants

Tales of giants abound in medieval literature. One foundational text of Arthuriana describes King Arthur’s adventure defeating the Giant of St Michel’s Mount who threatened to split the Duchess of Brittany in twain via  his monstrous ardor. Giants are littered across England. Sometimes, their face is on their chest, and they are called “Blemmyes” and were rumored to live in the far corners of the (flat, obviously, ergo capable of having “corners”) world. Medieval scholars often relied on the tales of the Nephilim in the Bible to explain the presence of giants, and their wickedness. Yet, stories of giants precede Christianity, and we simply do not know how long the forest primeval was haunted by the nightmare of giants devouring children, raping women, and towering over trees. When A Song of Ice and Fire’s Wunwun falls in battle, he fights for the king of the north, but the origin of his genre trope is one of terror and death at the hand of kings.

 

Bisclavret

A specific man in a specific story—but a story and author I, personally, adore—creates one of the earliest known references to werewolves in literature. Marie de France, a 12th century Anglo-Norman noblewoman, wrote short stories as allegorically-veiled gossip, pulling on Ovid, Arthuriana, folklore, and the like, to describe circumstances both fabulous and frightening. In one of these tales, Bisclavret, a nobleman goes to the forest, hides his clothes, and becomes a wolf. Most interesting, to me, is how society treats him. Naked, he is a dog and no one even recognizes him. Clothed, he is a man of power and authority, and no one questions him or attempts to cure or stop the wolf inside the man. It is, at once, a fascinating portrayal of nobility and power in 12th century Normandy, and a way of thinking about the monstrous nature of those in power. The complexity inside the simplicity of this little lais haunts my thoughts about justice and power. The monstrous element, the unknown inside the man that ruled there, was a force of nature that all accepted, in the same way they accepted him as ruler in full once he was wearing clothes again. (And, don’t get me started on the biting off of noses!) I was thinking much on the manner of transformation of Bisclavret when I wrote my own form of werewolf, in the Dogsland trilogy, though it does not seem adequate to explain the calories required to transform the body. Modern creators embrace a monstrous, high-calorie transformation, and unwittingly explain the devil’s appetite through this painful, physical growth. The gruesome transformations of physical form presented in what is probably the classic modern werewolf archetype, in An American Werewolf in London, seem to have shifted the monstrous myths and added elements of biological reality that can explain the rapacious feeding quality: after burning so many calories to transform, the body must be famished and burning itself alive to keep the transformations moving.

 

Bestiary Beasts

Real creatures that exist in the world have been painted and portrayed in such odd fashions, described as such monsters. Dolphins were no stranger to sailors of Europe, but their appearance in marginalia and the stone carvings of Rome often portrayed them with a fabulousness that is reminiscent of dragons, not biologies. Across the margins of texts, men and birds and beasts tumble inscrutably like fever dreams, perhaps explicating complicated theological virtues, perhaps not. But, again, like the dolphins that were carved in stone in ancient Rome and did not change their form in art for centuries, real beasts were mere myths a few miles away from sea, while the old art passed around from community to community as property changed hands. Artists modeled their art upon the art that they saw. Like a game of monstrous telephone, a hideous caricature of a dolphin moved from one artist to another who had never seen the original creature. Crocodiles, hippopotamuses, and all sorts of birds and cultures received the same treatment transforming the world that existed into a dream of nightmares and gruesome, demonic fears.

 

The Green Man

In the classic French courtly romance, Silence, a cross-dressing woman becomes a powerful knight, defeats a dragon, and more. But, beyond this exciting tale of a woman knight, there is a late appearance as a sort of deus ex machina, of a madman in the woods who is dangerous and wild and must be tamed. Of course, he is Merlin, the magician. But, he is playing a part that ties into an old myth of an old monstrous creature of the unknown. The Green Man, or The Wild Man, or whatever you want to call him, is a mythical and mystical creature that may be seen as a venerated forest god. His appearance as the last of a magical race in the character Someshta and death in Robert Jordan’s “Wheel of Time” is a harbinger of doom and darkness as the forests will suffer Blight in the times to come. But, his origin is likely one of death and destruction and terror. The Wild Man, the uncivilized man, the Green Man of the Woods, was a force of nature, like death itself, where bodies merged with the wilderness. It is a liminal man, then, and death-like in its portents: Where men live wild, they are dangerous and a threat to all that is civilized. When bodies fell, the green spread over their cheeks, and the roots of trees merged and devoured down to the bones. Merlin is brought back from this wild state with the trappings and temptations of civilization. He is given a fine meal, wine to drink, and clothes. Like Bisclavret, he is almost immediately returned from a state of madness to a state of authority and importance.

 

As the unknown dissipated to the adventures of scientists and soldiers, the maps shifted away from monstrous imaginings to depictions of wonders natural and named. Where once there were monsters, a dot marks a kingdom of men with a word and a name. Where once the forest edges loomed dark and fearsome and the unknown was ever close, communities grew up, filled in, and found ways to build roads, build connections, and march soldiers town to town. The monstrous unknown that remains to us is all around us: nightmares of metaphysical monsters, an eternity of deathless stasis, alien races, death, the refashioning of flesh in horrifying ways, and superheroes appearing at my doorstep. Superheroes are monstrous, if anything is. They are separated from the society they presumably protect, and exist in that liminal, unknown space where knights and monsters used to fight and spin around such that sometimes monsters were knights and knights were monsters. We hand candy to the unknown until the twilight falls into darkness and the moon rises. We teach our children where the edges can be trespassed and dreams can root, and like our fathers and mothers before us, encourage them to step out bravely with us into this twilight.

The Fortress at the End of Time Citadel space stations edge of spaceJoe M. McDermott is best known for the novels Last Dragon, Never Knew Another, and Maze. His work has appeared in Asimov’s, Analog, and Lady Churchill’s Rosebud Wristlet. His latest novel, The Fortress at the End of Time, is available from Tor.com Publishing. He holds an MFA from the University of Southern Maine’s Stonecoast Program. He lives in Texas.

Mid-Century Flash Fiction: James Thurber’s Fables for our Time

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James Thurber (1894-1961) occupies a rather unique place in this discussion of fairy tales and their creators: as far as I know, he is the only writer of fairy tales and fables who suffered a permanent disability in an attempt to recreate a legend.

As the story goes, young James Thurber, placing a perhaps admirable if inevitably misguided trust in his older brother, agreed to stand very very still with an apple on his head so that said older brother could shoot the apple off his head with an arrow, as part of their game of William Tell. Unfortunately, the young Thurbers lacked William Tell’s accuracy with an arrow, and so the arrow hit James Thurber’s eye instead of the apple. James Thurber lost his vision in that eye, and spent the rest of his life slowly going blind.

The injury also robbed him of a college degree: he was able to attend Ohio State University and pass all of his courses, except one, a mandatory ROTC course that required perfect eyesight. Ohio State did eventually correct this injustice—in 1995, well after Thurber’s death. In the meantime, Thurber had to live without the college degree most would agree he had earned.

Perhaps not surprisingly, Thurber responded to this by taking off to Paris for a bit, eventually shuffling between Paris and Ohio and various jobs, until he found himself at a party in New York City in 1926. There, his friend E.B. White, later of Charlotte’s Web fame, introduced him to Harold Ross, of “Hi, I’m the editor of The New Yorker” fame. It was the start of a lifetime of producing cartoons, essays and short stories for The New Yorker, including his most celebrated short story, “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” later adapted into two Hollywood films and a Broadway play. Thurber also penned novels and the occasional play.

In 1939, Thurber began writing a series of short fables for The New Yorker. Later collected in Fables for Our Time and Famous Poems Illustrated, the fables today would probably be classified as flash fiction: short, sharp retellings of themes from fairy tales and folklore, given brutal and cynical twists. The majority of the stories featured talking animals, making Thurber the second out of at least three New Yorker staff writers who ended up writing tales of talking animals. The third was Thurber’s friend E.B. White, whose Stuart Little would appear in 1945, at the end of World War II. The first was Walter R. Brooks, who had been regularly churning out books in his satirical Freddy the Pig series since 1926—a series which took on an increasingly sharp and urgent tone in the 1930s.

How much Walter R. Brooks influenced James Thurber is difficult to tell—Thurber had presumably at least heard of the popular series, but may not have read the books, which were, after all, aimed at children, not the staff writers who had replaced Brooks at The New Yorker. But the two had a similar response to the looming threat of another European war: talking animals and biting humor.

Thurber’s fables range from cynical to downright cruel. A few—such as “The Green Isle in the Sea,” which originally appeared in The New Yorker on February 17, 1940, “The Rabbits Who Caused All the Trouble,” from August 26, 1939, and “The Birds and the Foxes,” from October 21, 1939—make specific allusions to bombers, genocide, anti-Semitism and other contemporary events, with “The Birds and the Foxes,” in particular, both eerily prescient and a call to resist fascism. Many have endings that can be kindly described as bleak. But dark those most of the fables are, every once in a while, Thurber would respond with unexpected hope, or wisdom disguised as cynicism.

Some of the fables, such as “The Mouse Who Went to the Country,” “The Little Girl and the Wolf” and “The Hen Who Wouldn’t Fly,” are versions of well-known fairy tales, with greatly changed endings. Others, such as “The Stork Who Married a Dumb Wife,” merely allude to bits of other fairy tales and folklore—though Hans Christian Anderson would have struggled to recognize any of his storks in Thurber’s tales.

Most, however, are original fables, and all feature characters trying to break away from stereotyped roles, sometimes successfully (as in “The Little Girl and the Wolf”), sometimes not (as in “The Elephant Who Challenged the World.”) Women, animal and human, end up challenging gender norms and outright commands on a regular basis. Told to not pick up weapons, or to stay at home, hardly prevents them from picking up weapons (or in one case, a brick), getting revenge, and leaving home. One or two men, too, also challenge gender roles—not always successfully. But remaining static, and not breaking away from stereotyped roles can be equally dangerous—as in “The Birds and the Foxes,” Thurber’s most unmistakable warning against fascism and Nazis. The tale is careful not to blame the Baltimore oriole victims exactly, but is also clear: accepting the roles assigned to you by society can be deadly.

Each fable ends with a moral—sometimes a twist on a well-known proverb or saying, sometimes something Thurber just made up. Some of the morals contain puns that are either brilliant or tedious, depending upon your tolerance for puns. Mine is quite, quite high, so let’s go with brilliant. Some are brilliant despite not having pun. And some, as in a rather nasty fable about two sheep competing for a news scoop, ending with the moral, “Don’t get it right, get it written,” end up contradicting the story completely—while simultaneously expressing a thought strongly held by the characters. (I can’t help but think that this story might have been inspired by a real life event at The New Yorker.)

My favorite moral here is “Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead,” a moral I feel many fellow night-owls can firmly agree with. (Let’s face it: Benjamin Franklin was wrong about many things, including the original of that one.) Followed by “You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.” My favorite fable, however, is one of the more hopeful ones: “The Moth and the Star,” about a young moth who decides not to follow the pragmatic advice of his parents, but to fly to a star instead. It works.

Because the fables are all quite short—nearly all of them can be easily fitted on one or two paperback pages—the collection was expanded with a series of famous classic (read, not copyrighted) poems illustrated with Thurber’s cartoons. I’m frankly not sure just how much the cartoons add to the poetry—amusing as it is to see a man lounging with a cigar in a cartoon for Tennyson’s “Locksley Hall.” In some cases, it seems a mixed addition—the fun of the first few cartoons for Rose Hardwick Thorpe’s “Curfew Must Not Ring Tonight” is completely blown by the last cartoon, where the image of the spared convict made me shout, out loud, “YOU SHOULD HAVE LET THAT CURFEW RING, BESSIE, YOU’D BE SAFER!” and completely miss the point of the poem. But if you are interested in a cartoons of some famous poems, those too might be worth a look.

Thurber continued to write and draw throughout World War II and afterwards, although as his eyesight continued to fail, he eventually abandoned his cartoons. His works included five original fairy tale books for children, as well as collections of his short stories and essays, many edited by his second wife, Helen Wismer Thurber. He died knowing that many of his short stories, including “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” and “The Catbird Seat” had entered the American literary canon.

Mari Ness lives in central Florida.

Revisiting Gene Wilder’s Classic Horror-Comedy Haunted Honeymoon

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Have you got a favorite movie that was either a total bomb at the box office or no one else seems to have ever seen? I’ve got a few, but given the fact that Halloween is nigh, I’d like to talk briefly about one item high on my list right now: the woefully unsung Haunted Honeymoon, which seldom gets mentioned whenever Gene Wilder himself does. This is my Young Frankenstein, my Willy Wonka. And by that I mean a movie starring Gene Wilder that’s close to my heart. I assume we all have one.

Let’s start with a few selling points about Haunted Honeymoon.

  • It came out in 1986—you know, the same year some of you may have seen either Top Gun or Troll in theaters (but probably not both)—but the story takes place during the golden age of radio dramas in the late ’30s.
  • It’s one of the few films that Gene Wilder directed (it was his last in the director’s chair) and also co-wrote.
  • It stars not only Wilder, but his then-wife Gilda Radner, an actress and comedian known especially for her Saturday Night Live roles.
  • It stars Dom DeLuise, who was also pretty popular in his day and is still a favorite among Mel Brooks fans.
  • It stars Jonathan Pryce, who’s been in so many great things, but most of you kids probably only know him as some robe-wearing priest in Game of Thrones. To which I can only say, please go and watch the movie Brazil instead.
  • It also stars Jim Carter! Wait, you don’t know him by name? Aside from his hilarious role in 1984’s Top Secret and a great slew of other movies and TV shows, he’s Mr. Goddamned Carson on Downton-freaking-Abbey. Does that help?

hh_jimcarter

For all of those reasons you should give this movie your time, but honestly it’s just a fun watch. Haunted Honeymoon is a horror comedy, and the premise is fairly original: two beloved radio actors, stars of the Manhattan Mystery Theater, are about to get married, but one of them, Larry Abbot, has developed an inexplicable phobia—set off by the sound of thunder—and it’s giving him some speech problems. Larry’s uncle, a doctor, suggests a cure that involves scaring Larry “to death,” for which he secures the cooperation of Larry’s fiancée, Vickie Pearle, and the rest of his family.

So the young couple retreat to Larry’s family estate—a great gothic castle overseen by his melodramatic aunt Kate (Dom DeLuise)—for their wedding and honeymoon. There, the uncle’s plans for Larry become intermingled with an actual plot against the family seemingly enacted by a cursed werewolf. The movie is one part golden age horror, one part murder mystery, and three parts Scooby Doo-style caper.

If you’re the kind of person who can’t be bothered with goofball horror comedies like Clue or Transylvania 6-5000, I’ll concede that you probably won’t care for this film. Haunted Honeymoon isn’t a ground-breaker of brilliant plot twists and cinematic wonder. (There’s even a silly dance number because Gene Wilder. It’s no “Puttin’ on the Ritz,” but it’s amusing.)

This film is just an atmospheric comedy where Gene Wilder is at his Gene Wilderest and his cast of friends will make you laugh. It’s got bombastic, over-the-top characters and Dom DeLuise in drag. It’s got eccentric, Edward Gorey-esque relatives, a sinister magician, a stern family butler, and a mousy, high-strung maid. Oh yes, and a smoking werewolf. And thunder, lightning, dramatic music, and hands thrusting out of graves. And a play within a play.

hh_gathering

There is, alas, sorrow here, too. It’s hard to talk about this film without talking about Gilda Radner herself, as this was her last acting role. During the making of the movie she was already suffering the signs of the illness that would eventually claim her life, and after a series of misdiagnoses and way-too-late treatments, she died within a few years of its release. Wilder devoted much of his life afterwards to raising awareness of hereditary ovarian cancer, to combat the disease responsible for what he believed had been the needless loss of his wife. Early detection might have changed the outcome. He founded the Gilda Radner Ovarian Cancer Detection Center at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. Radner’s life, loving marriage to Wilder, and decline are well documented both in her book It’s Always Something and in many print and online articles since.

Sure, Gene Wilder was a big star and he lived like one, with multiple marriages and a certain amount of pre-Internet celebrity mystique. His marriage to Gilda Radner was tragically brief but storied; of it, she wrote, “It felt like my life went from black and white to Technicolor.” They co-starred in three movies and by all reports lived a very happy life together while it lasted.

Now Gene Wilder himself is gone. As the family butler declares though it is obvious already to everyone: “The lights have gone out, madam.”

But not forever. The legacies of both Wilder and Radner combined endure in this film (and the two that came before it). It’s uncommon and always delightful to see a real world relationship play out in movie roles, especially when it feels so legit. I mean, sure, we’ve seen celebrity couples act together in movies before, but they’re seldom believable. The chemistry between Gene and Gilda is obvious in the film, but also in some offscreen footage, interviews, and as observed by their friends. With these jokers, it was real, which means sweet but imperfect.

“We’re just like anybody else,” Gilda said in one interview, “Good days, bad days, sometimes funny, sometimes irritable and cranky.”

My takeaway is that Wilder doesn’t carry this film alone. He’s laugh-out-loud funny, but the story works because he’s pretty much exactly what he’s pretending to be: a man in love surrounded by old-timey horror special effects, good physical comedy, and quirky characters. Nothing more, nothing less.

hh_larry_vickie

And I also agree with Wilder when he said of Haunted Honeymoon, “It’s my favorite kind of film in the world.” He was referring to the sorts of films he loved as a kid, what he called comedy chillers, that “scared you but you also laughed.”

You could say they don’t make them like this anymore, but that doesn’t have to be true, right?

This article was originally published in October 2016.

Jeff LaSala, who’s written some sci-fi/fantasy fiction and gaming articles and now works for Tor, thinks there still aren’t enough movies about haunted houses. And certainly not enough featuring Gene Wilder. For now, he regularly listens to old radio horror dramas. No, really.

Revealed: The Full Endpapers From Brandon Sanderson’s Oathbringer!

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Oathbringer endpapers Dan Dos Santos Howard Lyon

Fans of Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight Archive fantasy series can now view ALL of the mesmerizing illustrated endpapers from Oathbringer, the forthcoming third volume of The Stormlight Archive!

(Note: The names of the characters depicted have also been revealed! Scroll onward to see.)

The endpapers consist of four character portraits, with the two behind the front cover painted by artist Dan Dos Santos.

Oathbringer front cover endpapers Dan Dos Santos

Oathbringer front cover endpapers Dan Dos Santos

The portraits depict some of the Heralds of Roshar. Important figures within the Vorinist mythology, the Heralds are bound by the Oathpact to emerge when it is time to combat a Desolation on the planet. They are the founders of the Order of the Knights Radiant; the same Order that many of the Stormlight Archive’s main characters now find themselves within!

Dan Dos Santos’ illustrations depict two Heralds, Ishi’Elin and Shalash’Elin, respectively.

The endpapers inside the back cover of Oathbringer are by artist Howard Lyon, and depict two more Heralds: Jezerezeh’Elin and Vedeledev’Elin! (Prints can be purchased through the links!)

Howard Lyon Oathbringer endpapers Jez

Howard Lyon Oathbringer endpapers Vev

Oathbringer arrives on shelves on November 14, 2017.

Note: The comments on this article may contain spoilers from the chapters of Oathbringer currently available to read on Tor.com. Tread as thou wilt.

The Kingkiller Chronicle TV Adaptation Gets a Network and a Synopsis

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Kingkiller Chronicle TV adaptation Showtime synopsis Lin-Manuel Miranda Patrick Rothfuss John Rogers

Almost a year after we found out that Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda would be helming the multimedia adaptation of Patrick Rothfuss’ The Kingkiller Chronicle series, we get some updates! For one, the television series of the same name will air on Showtime and has brought on a showrunner in John Rogers (The Librarians, Leverage, Transformers). What’s more, Showtime’s official announcement includes a summary of the series—a vague summary, but something to chew on nonetheless!

According to the press release:

Set in the world of the wildly popular fantasy series by Rothfuss, The Kingkiller Chronicle will follow a pair of wandering performers on their adventures through the unique and startling world of Temerant, immersing audiences in a universe of unexpected heroes, mystical places, and terrifying dark forces. […] The television adaption is a subversive origin story of legendary proportions set a generation before the events of the trilogy’s first novel, The Name of the Wind.

Amusingly, Rogers had tweeted something cryptic five hours ago:

He followed up the official announcement with:

By contrast, Miranda:

Miranda, who will be composing music for the series, said in the press release that “Showtime has always championed bold storytelling. Pat Rothfuss’ Kingkiller series is some of the most exciting storytelling I have ever read. I could not be more thrilled to help bring the sights and sounds of his wondrous world of Temerant to the screen.”

The Kingkiller Chronicle moves Showtime into a new genre in a powerful and unique way, led by the talented Lin-Manuel Miranda and John Rogers,” said Gary Levine, President of Programming, Showtime Networks Inc. “We can’t wait for this talented team to harness the magic of Kingkiller to transport us all into an awesome new world.” Which is to say, HBO has some competition in the epic fantasy TV sphere.

Rothfuss, Miranda, and Rogers will all serve as executive producers, alongside Robert Lawrence and Jennifer Court (Leverage).

No word yet on premiere date.

Your Guide to Ghosts From A to Z

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To help celebrate Halloween, we’ve put together an informative-yet-creepy list of some of our favorite specters, shades, phantasms, and restless spirits from popular culture, literature, folklore, and myth. The list isn’t meant to be exhaustive, of course, and we hope that you’ll add in your own favorite ghouls and ghosts in the comments….

So without further ado, we present the spookiest, creepiest, most haunting collection of wraiths and phantoms this side of the underworld: Ghosts from A to Z!

A

BEIN_bb172396_500x313

“Ali the Cairene and the Haunted House in Baghdad”: One of several ghost stories told in One Thousand and One Nights, Ali the trader spends the night in a notorious haunted house…where the jinn end up being pretty cool, actually.

Annie Sawyer (Being Human, BBC): On of the three original protagonists on Being Human, along with George (a werewolf) and Mitchell (a vampire), Annie struggles to piece together the events leading to her untimely death, and to deal with her newfound ghostly status, with all its new abilities and unfortunate shortcomings.

B

beetlejuice
Banquo (Macbeth): Murdered on Macbeth’s orders, noble Banquo’s ghost appears at a feast, causing quite a scene. The historical Banquo was thought to be an ancestor of James I, which colored his depiction in Shakespeare’s play.

Bob, aka Hrothbert of Bainbridge (The Dresden Files): In the Dresden novels, Bob is a “spirit of intellect” who assists Harry Dresden with magical tasks. On the television series, Bob is more of a presence (played rather sassily by Terrence Mann) as Dresden’s close friend and ghostly sidekick.

Betelgeuse (Beetlejuice): The Ghost with the Most.

Boo Berry (General Mills Monster Cereal): Ghostly cereal-hawking mascot, often appearing in conjunction with Count Chocula and Franken Berry; former associate of Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy (both discontinued. RIP). Powers include impersonating Peter Lorre as a ghost, pretending that fake blueberry flavoring isn’t gross.

Mr. Boogedy (Mr. Boogedy): The star of a surprisingly unsettling late-80s Disney movie, Mr. Boogedy is the ghost of cranky pilgrim who sold his soul to Satan for a magic cloak, and ends up haunting David Faustino and Kristy Swanson, for some reason.

Bogle/Boggle/Bogill (Scottish/English folklore): Goblin-esque ghostly beings who delight in messing with humans, usually to annoy, perplex, or simply frighten (rather than inflicting serious harm). For example, “Tatty Bogle” would hide in potato fields and cause blight, when not attacking unsuspecting humans. Hilarious!

Bhoot/Bhut (Indian folklore): The restless ghost of a deceased person, usually appearing in human form but with backward-facing feet. Bhoots tend to appear in white, often floating above the ground or in trees, and cast no shadow.

Bloody Mary (American folklore): Other urban legends may come and go, but proud Mary keeps on burning. As long as there are sleepover parties, there will be someone bold enough to say her name three times in front of a mirror at midnight. We should totally hook her up with Betelgeuse. Or the Candyman.

C

the-muppets-christmas-carol
The Candyman (Candyman): In life, the Candyman was the son of a slave who became a well-known artist; when he fell in love with a white woman, an angry mob cut off his hand, replacing it with a hook, smeared him with honey, and watched as he was stung to death by bees. According to the film’s urban legend, he can be summoned by saying his name five times in a mirror, but since we’re talking about Tony Todd with a hook-hand, it’s not recommended.

The Canterville Ghost (“The Canterville Ghost”): Oscar Wilde’s first published short story tells the humorous tale of a modern American family who move into an old English country house haunted by the titular character, Sir Simon. Simon undertakes a dramatic haunting of The Otises, but unfortunately, the family remains sunny, pragmatic, and unimpressed with his efforts at horrifying them. A wonderful story, which has inspired multiple movie versions (with another one slated for 2014).

Casper the Friendly Ghost (Cartoons/comics): Starting out in (some oddly dark) animated cartoons in the mid-40s, Casper has been through various incarnations in serial cartoons, comic books, and TV, with a live-action film in 1995. Casper’s backstory has changed a bit over the years, but regardless of how he became a ghost, it seems clear that he probably isn’t out to get us. Unless he’s just been lulling us all into a false sense of security for the six decades.

Chindi (Navajo folklore): The ghost that leaves the body with a person’s last breath, containing everything that was bad or unharmonious in their spirit. After death, the dead person’s name is never spoken and their remains and possessions are avoided in order to avoid chindi-inflicted “ghost sickness.”

Christmas Ghosts (A Christmas Carol): Everybody knows these guys: the three spirits who take their respective turns with miserly Ebenezer Scrooge in order to show him the error of his ways. In Dickens’ original novella, The Ghost of Christmas Past is an androgynous spirit who shows Scrooge his old boarding school days and his treatment of his former fiancée, Belle. The Ghost of Christmas Present is a festive party giant who takes Scrooge around the city, peeking in on the Cratchits and revealing the emaciated personifications of Ignorance and Want. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is a fearsome, black-robed spirit who shows Scrooge the aftermath of his own death, as well as Tiny Tim’s, finally pushing him to a moment of epiphany and transformation.

Cihuateteo (Aztec mythology): The ancient Aztecs regarded childbirth as a form of battle, so women who died giving birth were honored as fallen warriors. In death, they became the fearsome Cihuateteo, known for haunting crossroads, causing sickness and madness, and stealing children. Do not get on their bad side.

Dr. Malcolm Crowe (The Sixth Sense): Child psychologist played by Bruce Willis, and…what? You haven’t seen The Sixth Sense? But it’s been out for 13 years!!! Okay, okay: fine. SPOILERS. Just forget we said anything.

Clytemnestra (Greek myth/drama): One of the first ghosts to appear in a work of fiction, Aeschylus’s Oresteia (458 BC) portrays her as a scheming femme fatale who murders her husband and is in turn killed by her son, Orestes. Her vengeful spirit appears to spur The Furies to action, urging them to torment and punish Orestes. Even in death, she’s not a woman to be trifled with…

Elvira Condomine (Blithe Spirit): The disruptive ghost who causes trouble for her former husband in Noel Coward’s Blithe Spirit.

The Crypt Keeper (Tales from the Crypt): In the 50s, the Crypt Keeper started out as the narrator of EC’s horror comic anthology series Tales from the Crypt, until the Comics Code quickly brought about its untimely death. In 1989, however, the character was revived as a cackling animated corpse in order to host the HBO series of the same name. With lines like, “Hello, boils and ghouls!”, the Crypt Keeper’s moldering puns were usually the most deadly part of the show.

Edwina Cutwater (All of Me): Spoiled heiress played by Lily Tomlin who dies and ends up sharing a body with Steve Martin in 1984’s All of Me.

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Draugr (Norse mythology): Undead Vikings who possess superhuman strength, the ability to swell and increase their size or shapeshift at will, and reek of decay. They delight in violently slaughtering and sometimes consuming their victims, usually people who have trespassed on the graves or burial mounds the draugr guards, although sometimes they roam and rampage, killing animals and humans alike.

Dybbuk (Jewish Folklore): Malevolent spirit believed to be the soul of a dead person, able to possess the living. Contrast with Ibbur.

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Emeric Belasco (Hell House): Insane millionaire whose legendary depravity and sadism lies at the heart of Richard Matheson’s haunted Hell House. And yes, we are cheating by filing him under E; Emeric Belasco doesn’t play by the rules.

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Art by George Grie

Art by George Grie

Faddeev-Popov ghosts (Physics): One for the physics fans; good ghosts, known for haunting quantum field theories. We can only imagine the kind of stories Richard Feynman used to tell about these guys around a campfire, playing his bongos and terrifying the other Nobel candidates.

Nathaniel Fisher, Sr. (Six Feet Under): Killed in a car accident (while sitting in a hearse) on Christmas Eve, Nathaniel Sr.’s death sets off the events of the HBO series, as the rest of Fisher comes together in its wake (Not a pun. Sorry, Crypt Keeper!). Played by the great Richard Jenkins, Nathaniel remained a presence around the family funeral home, conversing with living characters and occasionally dispensing advice to Nate Jr. and his other children.

Flying Dutchman (Marine folklore): Legendary ghost ship doomed to sail the seas forever, never making port. Sightings of the Dutchman date back to the 18th century, and are said to be a bad omen or portent of doom. The legend has inspired paintings, an opera, films, and works by others from Edgar Allan Poe to Brian Jacques.

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Georgia “George” Lass (Dead Like Me): The sarcastic protagonist of Bryan Fuller’s late, lamented Dead Like Me, George is killed by falling space debris in the first episode and begins work as a grim reaper with a penchant for dead pan.

Ghost Dad (Ghost Dad): A movie which haunts us all. With badness.

Ghost Rider (Comics/movie): A personification of vengeance often embodied by a fictional man named Johnny Blaze, or Danny Ketch, or Nicolas Cage. Although the spirit that grants its human host the powers of Ghost Rider is Hell-bound, it’s left up to the human as to how those powers are used, unless the story calls for some serious drama, oh my god.

Gjenganger (Scandinavian folklore): The ghost of a dead person (often murderers, murder victims, or suicides) who, though undead, took on corporeal form and threatened the living with violence or torment. They could also administer the dødningeknip (or “dead man’s pinch), which would cause disease and death to befall the victim.

Gozer the Gozerian (Ghostbusters): Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg. Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you…

Captain Daniel Gregg (The Ghost and Mrs. Muir): This roguish sea captain is the titular ghost from The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (both film and TV versions), whose attempted haunting of a young widow quickly turns into a warm friendship (with a hint of romance on the TV show, and definite romance in the film version, starring Gene Tierney and Rex Harrison).

Gui (Chinese folklore): The general Chinese term for ghosts, there are many different types and categorizations of Gu?; Yu?n Gu?, for example, is the term for a ghost who has died a wrongful death, Wú Tóu Gu? is a wandering headless specter, and Shu? Gu? are ghosts of the drowned, who attack the living and drag them under water, hoping to drown their victims and take possession of their body. The spirits of the dead are celebrated in Chinese culture are celebrated in an annual ghost festival, when the realms of the living and the realms of Heaven and Hell are open, allowing the dead to interact with the living, and particularly their family and descendants.

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Hamlet’s Father (Hamlet): Technically, King Hamlet, but referred to only as “Ghost” in the stage directions, Hamlet Sr. was a mighty warrior, and his ghost demands that his son avenge his death at the hands of Claudius. Rumor has it that the role of The Ghost was first performed by Shakespeare himself, but it’s never been confirmed or denied.

Hogwarts Ghosts (Harry Potter): A few specific ghosts show up elsewhere on the list, but since Hogwarts is home to more than twenty ghosts (plus Peeves the Poltergeist). Each house is home to its own resident ghost: Nearly Headless Nick (Gryffindor), The Grey Lady (Ravenclaw), The Fat Friar (Hufflepuff), and The Bloody Baron (Slytherin).

The Headless Horseman (“The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”): In Irving’s classic short story, the Horseman is the ghost of a Hessian soldier decapitated by a cannonball during the American Revolution. While it is suggested in the story that the “spirit” who chases schoolteacher Ichabod Crane might really be Crane’s romantic rival impersonating the ghost to scare him off, the legend of the Headless Horseman remains potent (and if you haven’t seen the Disney adaptation or Christopher Walken’s take on the character in Sleepy Hollow, then you are missing out).

Hungry Ghosts (Buddhism/Chinese folklore): The concept varies slightly in different traditions (from Chinese folk religion to Chinese Buddhism, Japanese Buddhism, and Tibetan Buddhism). In China, hungry ghosts are understood largely in terms of ancestor worship—food and drink is set out to satisfy them during a yearly festival. In the other Buddhist traditions, the ghosts have tiny mouths and huge stomachs, and can never be satisfied (providing a metaphor for illusory material desires), or are the spirits of greedy or selfish people, cursed in death with an insatiable desire that can never be slaked.

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Ibbur (Jewish Folklore): Unlike the dybbuk, a positive form of possession in which a benevolent soul temporarily inhabits a living person in a beneficial and positive way.

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Shoeless Joe Jackson (Field of Dreams): Known for emerging from haunted cornfields, throwing the World Series. If you build it, he will come.

Jima (Amazonian folklore): Feared by the Wari, an Amazonian rainforest tribe, Jima are terrifying specters known for grabbing their living victims with their incredibly strong, cold, poisonous hands and attempting to tear the victim’s spirit away.

Jinn (Quran/Islamic mythology): Jinn (also known as djinn or genies), are described in the Quran as spirits made of smokeless, scorching fire, and can be evil, good, or neutral in their interactions with humans.

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Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street): Introduced as a child killer who escaped justice on a technicality, Krueger was set on fire and burned to death by the parents of his victims. After his death, his spirit preys on the minds of the neighborhood’s teenagers, entering their dreams and killing them in their sleep. Later in the series, it is revealed that he is ”the son of a 100 maniacs.“ He is also overly fond of awful (usually morbid) puns. Freddy and the Crypt Keeper should go bowling sometime.

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Large Marge (Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure): A trucker who offers Pee-Wee a ride during his epic search for his missing bike. She tells him a story about the worst accident she’s ever seen (”There was this sound, like a garbage truck dropped off the Empire State Building…“). After Marge drops him off at a diner, Pee-Wee finds out that she’d died ten years ago in the same accident, and that he’d been riding with a ghost. Hands down, the scariest part of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. (Stubby is still traumatized, to this day).

La Llorona (Spanish/Mexican legend): The Weeping Woman, a spirit who drowned her children in order to be with her lover, but was rejected and committed suicide. Constantly crying, La Llorona is doomed to eternally search for her children in vain, sometimes attempting to steal living children who wander or misbehave.

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Jacob Marley (A Christmas Carol): Ebenezer Scrooge’s former partner, Marley’s ghost appears on Christmas Eve to warn Scrooge to change his miserly ways before it’s too late. Although Scrooge ignores his early appearances and tries to reason away the apparition, Marley’s unearthly howls and chain-jangling eventually make an impression, and he tells Scrooge that his misdeeds in life have led to an eternity spent wandering the earth in ”an incessant torture of remorse.“

The Mary Celeste: Real-life ghost ship discovered in 1872, abandoned by her crew, who were never heard from again. One of the most famous maritime mysteries, the Mary Celeste has inspired authors from Arthur Conan Doyle to Philip Jose Farmer to Terry Pratchett.

Moaning Myrtle (Harry Potter): Muggle-born witch, killed by a Basilisk when she caught Tom Riddle opening the Chamber of Secrets. Her ghost haunts the Hogwarts bathroom in which she died (occasionally branching out to other bathrooms in the castle). Myrtle sometimes helps Harry, when she’s not crying or desperately flirting with him.

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Nachzehrer (German folklore): Supernatural being similar to a vampire, often tied to suicide or accidental death. The nachzehrer awakes after death and often attempts to devour its living family members, but sometimes consumes its own flesh in the grave. Powers include causing death by casting a shadow on the living, or by ringing church bells, killing everyone within hearing.

Nearly Headless Nick (Harry Potter): Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington is Gryffindor’s resident house ghost, wizard executed after a magical mishap involving a lady of the court of Henry VII. Thanks to a dull axe, the execution did not go smoothly, and his was never completely severed, leading to his eventual nickname among the residents of Hogwarts. Affable and helpful, if a little longwinded, Sir Nicholas is portrayed by John Cleese in the films.

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The Overlook Hotel (The Shining): Isolated resort in the Colorado Rockies with a sordid history; the hotel has a habit of possessing its inhabitants and forcing them to commit unspeakable acts. One former caretaker murdered his family with an axe before hilling himself, and their ghosts remain at the hotel, tormenting young Danny Torrance while drawing his father, Jack, over to the dark side. On the bright side, murderers drink free at the creepy ghost bar!

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Pac-Man Ghosts (Video game): Pac-Man’s nemeses, each ghost has a nickname and is associated with a particular character trait within the game. “Blinky” (red) shadows Pac-Man, chasing him; “Pinky” (pink) is speedy; “Inky” (blue) is bashful, and “Clyde” (orange) is pokey, slower and more random in his movements. This developed out of the original Japanese version, Puck-Man, in which the ghosts’ personalities can be translated as Chaser, Ambusher, Fickle, and Stupid, respectively.

Pishacha (Hindu mythology): Demonic ghosts that feed on flesh and human energies, capable of possessing humans and altering their thoughts, sometimes leading to madness. Like bhuts, pishacha are often depicted as haunting cremation grounds.

Phi Tai Hong (Thai folkore): The most feared type of ghost in all of Thai folklore, a restless and angry spirit of a person who suffered a violent death.

Poltergeist (Various folklores): While the common term for this comes from the German words for “noisy ghost,” poltergeists feature in the folklore of many cultures. The term usually denotes a disruptive entity that haunts a particular person via strange noises and even petty physical attacks. Poltergeist activity is a popular subject in TV in movies, featuring in everything from Blithe Spirit to Harry Potter to the Poltergeist movies.

Alice Pyncheon (The House of the Seven Gables): The ghost of the beautiful Alice haunts the House of the Seven Gables after dying from shame in Hawthorne’s classic New England gothic novel.

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Queen Anne Boleyn (English history): The ill-fated second wife of Henry VIII, she was found guilty of adultery, incest, and high treason after her relationship with the king had soured, and was beheaded in 1536. Along with many other ghosts, Anne Boleyn is thought by some to haunt the Tower of London, where she died and is buried.

RMS Queen Mary (Real life): A retired ocean liner that was active between 1936 and 1967, now permanently moored in Long Beach, California. After the ship was docked, reports of ghostly activity and hauntings began: splashing noises in drained swimming pools, children crying in the abandoned nursery, and so on. One of the cabins is no longer rented out due to “extreme paranormal activity,” and the ship is supposedly haunted by several ghosts of guests who were murdered or died in violent accidents while the liner was still operational.

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Revenant (European folklore): General term for an undead corpse or visible ghost that returns from the grave, usually for malevolent purposes. Stories involving revenants usually depict a specific undead person who returns with a purpose, such as revenge against a killer or those responsible for their death, or to harass people who wronged them during life.

Ringwraiths (Lord of the Rings): Not technically ghosts, perhaps, but certainly spooky enough to make the list, the Ringwraiths (also known as Nazgûl or Black Riders) began as nine mortal men to whom Sauron gave Rings of Power. The rings gave them power and extended their lives, but it also corrupted and destroyed them, turning them into undead thralls even after their corporeal form faded away.

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Samuel’s Ghost (Biblical): According to the Old Testament, King Saul has the Witch of Endor summon the spirit of the recently prophet Samuel. Samuel’s ghost is not happy about being summoned, and predicts Saul’s downfall in battle the next day. It comes to pass, and Saul commits suicide. The story has been interpreted in a number of ways, of course: some see Samuel’s ghost as a demon masquerading as the prophet, while others view his reappearance as an act of God.

Slender Man (Internet myth): No one knows what the Slender Man is; his defining characteristic is mystery, with the ability to inspire fear a close second. An urban legend for the 21st century, the Slender Man stalks his victims, sometimes over long periods of time, and may inspire amnesia, paranoia, and madness; he is allegedly responsible for various unexplained disappearances. All we really know is, the Slender Man is terrifying.

Slimer (Ghostbusters): Made of pure ectoplasm, Slimer is classified as a focused, non-terminal repeating phantasm, or a Class 5 full roaming vapor (and a real nasty one, at that). After the Ghostbusters stop him from haunting the Sedgewick Hotel, he became kind of a pet and a mascot, and became a more developed character in the Animated Series. Dan Ackroyd has referred to Slimer as ”The Ghost of John Belushi.”

Space Ghost (Space Ghost and Dino Boy/Space Ghost Coast to Coast): One of the greatest talk show hosts of all time, often accompanied by his nemeses/sidekicks Zorak, Moltar and Brak. Designed by the great Alex Toth, Space Ghost started out as superhero who fought villains and faced off against The Council of Doom (in space. Natch.), before signing on to host his own show on the Cartoon Network.

Strigoi (Romanian folklore): Troubled souls risen from the grave, a tradition dating back through Indo-European Dacian/Thracian mythology. Strigoi are often seen as being similar to vampires, immortal undead, but also manifest as evil spirits who haunt the living, often their living family members.

Patrick Swayze (Ghost): The sexiest ghost of all. Good with clay and Whoopi Goldberg.

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Tomás (El Orfanato/The Orphanage): The protagonist of Spanish suspense/horror film The Orphanage first encounters Tomás as the imaginary friend of her adopted son, Simón—but as events turn sinister, he becomes more of a definite, if ghostly, presence. Depicted through most of the film as a small boy wearing a disturbing mask stitched together out of sackcloth, Tomás is simultaneously horrifying and heartbreaking.

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Ghosts From A to Z

Urban legends (Various): Whether it’s Bloody Mary or the familiar story of a ghostly vanishing hitchhiker, American folklore is steeped in tales of phantom vehicles, haunted highways and roads, and malevolent spirits that haunt Lovers’ Lanes. Take the legend of Skinned Tom, for example: caught in the act by a jealous husband and skinned alive with a hunting knife, Tom’s vengeful ghost supposedly attacks amorous couples in their cars to this day! Because sometimes heavy-handed morality tales need a little gore to really help drive the point home.

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Vetala (Hindu folklore): Spirits who tend to haunt places of burial and charnel grounds; trapped between life and the afterlife, they can take possession of corpses and cause all kinds of crazy trouble for the living.

Vigo the Carpathian (Ghostbusters II): He is Vigo! Originally Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorf, also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, Vigo the Unholy, and possibly Vigo the Butch. Powerful 16th century magician, tyrant, lunatic and genocidal maniac, he returns to life through his creepy self-portrait, looking to regain physical form and return to power. Thwarted by slime.

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Art by Johann Wilhelm Cordes

Art by Johann Wilhelm Cordes

Oliver Welles (Slings and Arrows): Temperamental director Oliver Welles is run over by a ham truck in the first episode of this darkly comedic Canadian series. When his troubled protege steps into his role as artistic director of the New Burbage Shakespearian Festival to stage a production of Hamlet, Oliver’s ghost refuses to move on, and meta-hijinks and high drama ensue.

The Wild Hunt (Ancient European myth): A spectral group of huntsmen, horses and hounds, rampaging in violent pursuit across the sky, on the ground, or floating somewhere in between. Seeing the Wild Hunt is thought to be an omen of death, war, plague, or other catastrophe, and has often been depicted in art, literature, and music. Occasionally the participants in the hunt are thought to be faeries, gods, or ancient heroes, but the tradition is strongly associated with the dead: lost souls, spirits, and ghosts.

Wiedergänger (German folklore): Category of undead spirits who would trouble or torment the living in different ways; some types would jump on the backs of their victims and grow heavier and heavier until they broke down, exhausted or dead. Another variation is the headless rider, which made its way from European ghost story to American literature thanks to Washington Irving.

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Xunantunich (Real life/Archaeology): The name of this ancient Mayan archaeological site in Belize comes from Mayan words for “Stone Woman,” after the ghostly figure who has been seen haunting the site since 1892. Dressed all in white with fiery, red glowing eyes, the woman reportedly appears at the site, ascends the steps of the ceremonial pyramid and disappears into a stone wall.

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Yurei (Japanese folklore): Used as a general term; there are also more specific types of ghosts, like the Onryu (vengeful spirits who return from purgatory), Goryu (aristocratic ghosts, often vengeful martyrs), or Zashiki-warashi (mischievous ghost children).

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Zhong Kui (Chinese mythology): By some accounts, Zhong Kui is the ghost (Gu?) of a man who failed his civil service exams and committed suicide, he is a vanquisher of ghosts and evil spirits: a ghost who hunts other ghosts.

Zuul (Ghostbusters): The Gatekeeper of Gozer; minion of The Destructor. Lovely singing voice, but with an unfortunate tendency to manifest as a Terror Dog and/or take over your fridge.

Originally published in October 2012 as part of Tor.com’s Ghost Week.

Stubby the Rocket is the voice and mascot of Tor.com. There is no Stubby, only Zuul.

Shelter Sorts Dogs Into Hogwarts Houses, Leading to More Adoptions

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Pet Alliance of Orlando, Hogwarts House Sorting

One of the biggest problems with dog adoptions is that people tend to focus on the breed of the dog, rather than the personality of the individual animal. Deciding to tackle this problem head-on, the awesome folks at Pet Alliance in Orlando, Florida had a genius idea—sort them into the Hogwarts Houses from Harry Potter.

After making the choice to sort the dogs, Pet Alliance asked their animal behaviorist, Diane Andersen, to create a test for the pups that would work like a Sorting Ceremony. Andersen picked out special toys that exemplified the qualities of each House, and the dog’s preference would help them figure out where each canine belonged.

So far, the shelter has Sorted over forty dogs (and you can do the same for your pup with their handy quiz!) According to Executive Director Stephen Bardy, it is helping more dogs get adopted, too, increasing their foot traffic and buzz about the shelter. Each dog gets a House banner for their kennel and some pictures in adorable scarves. They haven’t managed to Sort the cats yet, though; they are not as keen to dress up in themed attire.

Here are the the key House traits, as the shelter defines them:

Gryffindor — brave and heroic
Hufflepuff — kind and loyal
Slytherin — determined and resourceful
Ravenclaw — intelligent and witty

According to Pet Alliance, the most common House so far is Hufflepuff, with a fair number of Gryffindors and Slytherins. It’s a bit harder to find Ravenclaw dogs, it would seem….

Have I mentioned that this is just way too much fun to do? Here is my dog, for example:

Here is Natalie‘s dog:

Cidney the Hufflepuff

(Yeah, it’s safe to say that many dogs are Hufflepuffs.)

You should feel free to share the House alignment of your pets in the comments below, is what I’m saying.

And head over to the Pet Alliance website if you’re in their area and want to find your Hogwarts House soulmate!

[Via The Dodo]


First Draft of the MCU — The Incredible Hulk Returns, The Trial of the Incredible Hulk, and The Death of the Incredible Hulk

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The Incredible Hulk had a respectable five-year run on television. It remained an iconic part of popular culture, from “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” taking root in the popular consciousness to a hilarious offhand reference to the show in The Usual Suspects.

Six years after its cancellation by CBS, New World picked up the rights to the show and sold it to NBC. New World owned Marvel at the time, and they wanted to use their only real TV success as a springboard to try to launch other heroes into television.

Partnered with Bill Bixby, they produced two movies in two years that also served as backdoor pilots, one for Thor, one for Daredevil. Neither of these went to series, and the third movie a year after that was a Hulk solo film that ended the Bixby/Ferrigno era with the Hulk’s death. (A sequel was planned, but scrapped due to poor ratings for The Death of the Incredible Hulk. Any chance of reviving the series died with Bixby in 1993.)

Still, these first two movies were the first attempt at a “Marvel Cinematic Universe.” Indeed, any kind of coherent universe for any superheroes, truly. There had never before been this kind of guest appearance of another hero from a company’s “universe.” No other DC heroes ever appeared in The Adventures of Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman, no other Marvel heroes ever appeared in Spider-Man or The Incredible Hulk. Ditto for the various movies, though Superman would later get a brief mention in Batman & Robin.

Thor had more significant changes from his comic-book roots—and actually in some ways was closer to his Norse roots, as the Thor of mythology is a hard-drinkin’ womanizing jackass, far from the noble hero Stan Lee and Jack Kirby gave us in 1962. Meanwhile, Daredevil actually hewed fairly closely to the setup and origin from the comics, with the costume changed from the iconic red devil outfit to a simple black bodysuit and the supporting cast altered.

Despite being the developer and show-runner for the series, and despite being good friends with Bixby, Kenneth Johnson was not involved in these three movies, not even knowing about them until he started seeing commercials for them.

While both Bixby and Ferrigno return for all three, Jack Colvin only appears in the first movie. Shortly after filming of the first film, Colvin suffered a minor stroke and retired from acting, so we never saw McGee again after The Incredible Hulk Returns. The Trial of the Incredible Hulk also started the tradition of Stan Lee making cameos in Marvel screen adaptations, as he appears as a juror in the dream sequence that gives the movie its title.

 

“You can’t win the game unless you’d rather die than lose it!”

The Incredible Hulk Returns
Written and directed by Nicholas Corea
Produced by Bill Bixby & Nicholas Corea
Original release date: May 22, 1988

David Banner’s life is actually looking pretty good. Yes, he has nightmares, still, but he hasn’t turned into the Hulk in two years. He’s working as a technician at the Joshua Lambert Research Institute as David Banion. Lambert knows that he’s got a past he won’t talk about, and knows that he’s smarter than the average technician, but Lambert is willing to keep his secrets because “Banion” is responsible for the creation of the Gamma Transponder, which will be a fantastic energy source. Banner has also been making additions to it after-hours that will enable the device to possibly cure him of being the Hulk forever.

Banner is also in a relationship with a bio-geneticist at the institute, Maggie Shaw. He spends most of his time with her, but isn’t ready to move in yet—not until he’s rid of the Hulk, though she knows only that he has anger-management issues he needs to get under control.

One night, Banner finally is ready to use the Gamma Transponder on himself, but he’s interrupted by a young man who’s broken into the institute: Don Blake. A doctor who studied under Banner at Harvard ten years earlier, he recognizes “Banion” as his favorite professor from med school, whom he thought was dead.

Blake has a problem, and he hopes Banner can help him. Having always had an interest in Norse myth, he joined a climbing expedition in Norway as the doctor. During a nasty storm, he found himself drawn to a cave where he found a sarcophagus, which was covered in runes he could read, much to his surprise. In the sarcophagus was a dead body in armor and a hammer. Gripping the hammer caused the corpse to come alive as Thor, an arrogant war god who has been forbidden from entering Valhalla until he becomes more humble. He is tethered to Blake, who can summon Thor and banish him to the nether realm he was in at any time.

Banner thinks that Blake was hallucinating due to the thin atmosphere. We will now pause to be amused at the guy who turns into a big green rage monster at the slightest adrenaline spike being skeptical about this. Blake realizes he has to prove it, so he summons Thor, who shows up, is brutish and arrogant and starts trashing the lab. Banner tries desperately to keep himself calm, which lasts right up until Thor tosses him into a electrified computer bank. Thor himself realizes he’s being a jerk, and saves Banner, but the damage is done: Banner’s eyes go white and he Hulks out.

Hulk and Thor duke it out in the lab, trashing a lot of the equipment, and eventually the Hulk buggers off.

Thor manages to find a bedraggled Banner the following morning, before Blake banishes him again. Blake shows Banner the newspaper, and everyone assumes it’s a publicity stunt. One person who doesn’t, though, is Jack McGee, who has, since the end of the TV show, been fired from the National Register, amidst some nasty words to his editor. He grovels for his job back now that there’s a lead on the Hulk.

Blake promises to help Banner fix the equipment. The Gamma Transponder itself is fine, but the computer controls are trashed and need to be replaced.

Meanwhile, Lambert’s brother Zack is tired of being in his older sibling’s shadow, and works out a deal allow a mercenary named LeBeau to steal the transponder and sell it to the highest bidder, with Zack getting a cut. Part of the deal is to take Banion, whom Zack knows is the real brains behind the device. The first attempt to steal the transponder fails thanks to the Hulk. Now that a first attempt has been made, security will be increased, so LeBeau decides to kidnap Banion’s girlfriend with himself and the transponder as ransom.

LeBeau’s thugs manage this, despite the best efforts of both Thor and the Hulk. When the Hulk reverts to Banner, he decides he needs to trash the main component of the transponder before turning it over to LeBeau. Why he decides this remains unclear. Zack is not happy that they’ve kidnapped a friend and colleague, and so LeBeau shoots him. From his hospital bed, Zack tells Banner and Lambert where they’ve taken Maggie, and Blake, Thor, and Banner head there to rescue her. Lambert also shows up with a gun, and he and Banner get into an altercation that leads to Banner Hulking out. Thor, Blake, and the Hulk take down the mercenaries and rescue Maggie.

With McGee still hanging around, and all the publicity surrounding the institute, Banner realizes he must leave, and start from scratch on his search for a cure. He bids goodbye to Maggie, to Blake, and to Thor and wanders down the road to piano music…

 

“I was sighted until I was fourteen—I remember green.”

The Trial of the Incredible Hulk
Written by Gerald Di Pego
Directed by Bill Bixby
Produced by Bill Bixby & Gerald Di Pego
Original release date: May 7, 1989

Banner, now calling himself David Belson, is working a rural migrant-labor job, but he leaves rather than suffer the constant bullying he receives at the hands of one of his coworkers. He heads to “the city” (which looks a lot like Vancouver), figuring he can get lost there.

He rents a crappy room in the shadow of a skyscraper, recently constructed by Wilson Fisk. Publicly, Fisk is a successful businessman. In reality, he’s a surveillance-obsessed crimelord, with half the police force on his payroll, as well as many other folks. He supervises a well-orchestrated jewelry heist, and two of the thieves get on the subway, into the same car as Banner and a woman named Ellie Mendez. Flush from the successful heist, one of the thieves decides to harass Mendez. At first Banner stays out of it, but eventually his heroism wins out and he tries to help her—which gets him tossed ass-over-teakettle behind a couple of seats.

Naturally, he turns into the Hulk, trashing the car and the thugs, and then taking off down the tracks. The cops find a shirtless Banner on the tracks and arrest him.

Mendez is taken to the hospital with a concussion. After a visit from Fisk’s thugs—who are let in by the floor nurse, who is also on Fisk’s payroll—Mendez tells the police that “Belson” is the one who attacked her, and Fisk’s pet thugs tried to help her.

Matt Murdock is a blind attorney-at-law, who has a thriving practice with his partner Christa Klein, and their paralegal, a former Army sergeant named Al Pettiman. Murdock has been trying very hard to bring Fisk down. For that reason, Murdock offers to represent Banner pro bono. Banner, however, refuses to cooperate and is unwilling to stand trial, fearing that the stress of it will cause him to change. Murdock doesn’t believe that he only cares about himself simply because he helped Mendez in the first place.

Banner has a clandestine conversation with Deputy Chief Tindelli, who appears to be one of the few cops who isn’t on the take. He tries to get Banner to talk, saying there’ll be no consequences (never mind that Banner has already almost been shanked once), but Banner refuses.

Murdock visits Mendez in the hospital, though she sticks with her story. Fisk orders Mendez to be killed, but she’s saved by a local vigilante called Daredevil (graffiti singing DD’s praises are all over town). Mendez is put in a secure wing, and she then calls Murdock and—livid that they tried to kill her even after she did as she was told—recants. Unfortunately, one of the security guards covering her is also on Fisk’s payroll, and he kidnaps her, taking her to Fisk Tower.

Banner has a nightmare about standing trial and turning into the Hulk. (We don’t realize it’s a dream sequence at first, though there are several hints, not the least being that the Hulk is way more violent here, tossing someone out a window to his death and strangling the prosecutor. Banner’s subconscious has a much more jaundiced view of the green guy.)

Unfortunately, the stress of the nightmare causes him to Hulk out and break out of prison, mostly by breaking the prison. When he reverts to Banner he goes to the flophouse to pack and leave town, but Daredevil is waiting for him. To keep him in town, Daredevil takes off his mask to reveal that he is Murdock.

They retire to Murdock’s house where we get his origin: fourteen-year-old Murdock saved an old man from being hit by a truck. That truck was carrying radioactive waste, which spilled and hit his eyes. He was blinded, but his other senses increased tenfold and he has a kind of radar sense that allows him to detect objects. It’s how he can function as Daredevil.

DD works with Tindelli, who has an untraceable phone link to Daredevil. Banner is willing to help Murdock save Mendez. Tindelli calls with a tip that may indicate where Mendez is being held. But after Daredevil leaves to rescue her, Tindelli calls back—the person who provided that tip is now spending money like there’s no tomorrow, and the deputy chief thinks it’s a setup. Banner hears this, and follows DD to the abandoned movie studio where she’s being held.

Sure enough, there’s an ambush, with Fisk hitting Daredevil with bright lights and loud sound to disorient him while his visor’d, ear-protected thugs beat the crap out of him. (The lights, of course, have no effect, but the sound is twice as bad for DD’s sensitive hearing.)

Banner sees this, Hulks out, and then the big dude trashes the place, though the thugs manage to spirit Mendez away. A battered Daredevil has his hands on the Hulk’s face when he calms down and changes back to Banner.

They return to Murdock’s home, where Banner scrapes the rust off his medical degree and treats Murdock, who’s moping because he got his ass handed to him. Banner gives him a pep talk, using the exact same words that Murdock used on Banner to try to get him to help him bring Fisk down. Eventually, Murdock comes around, and he puts the outfit back on.

Mendez is still being held hostage. Fisk’s right-hand man, Edgar, asks Fisk what they should do with her, and Fisk is very confused when he asks if she’s still alive. When Edgar replies in the affirmative, Fisk simply asks, “Why?” However, Edgar has taken a rather creepy shine to Mendez, and he keeps her alive.

Tindelli informs Daredevil that Fisk is gathering crime bosses from all across the country. Fisk’s plan is to unite them all into one gigunda syndicate, and he’s using the footage of Daredevil getting his ass kicked as his presentation piece (with all the Hulk footage edited out, of course). None of these crime bosses have outstanding warrants on them, so Tindelli can’t do a thing about it. But Daredevil can—he and Banner head to Fisk Tower. Daredevil takes on Fisk’s thugs, while Banner searches for Mendez. Banner arrives just in time to save Mendez’s life—the same thug who harassed her on the subway and started this whole mishegoss has been ordered by Fisk to make Edgar kill her—and Edgar actually helps Banner and Mendez escape. When Mendez points out that Fisk will kill him, Edgar says that Fisk will forgive him—he’s the only one Fisk does forgive.

Daredevil takes down Fisk’s thugs and then crashes the high-powered meeting. Fisk and Edgar escape in a hovercraft.

Mendez is safe and well, Banner decides that he needs to get back to trying to cure himself, so he’s heading to Portland to check out a new radiation lab. He and Murdock part ways, each entrusting the other with their secrets, and he wanders down the road to piano music…

 

“I am free…”

The Death of the Incredible Hulk
Written by Gerald Di Pego
Produced and directed by Bill Bixby
Original release date: February 18, 1990

Calling himself David Bellamy and pretending to be mentally challenged, Banner now works as a janitor at a government facility (presumably the one in Portland he talked about at the end of the previous movie, though it’s never specified what city they’re in). Also working there is Dr. Ronald Pratt, whose work with radiation Banner has always admired, and whose theories were among those he studied when he first did the experiment that turned him into the Hulk way back when.

Banner has been sneaking in after hours and making adjustments to Pratt’s experiments. Pratt has been reluctant to learn his mystery guardian angel’s identity because he’s worried that he’ll go away, as his notes have been brilliant. But eventually common sense prevails, and he installs video surveillance. (Why this government facility doesn’t already have video surveillance is left as an exercise for the viewer.)

Meanwhile, we meet a chameleonic woman named Jasmin, who is working as a spy for a group of Eastern European revolutionaries who are supposedly fighting for “the cause.” What this cause is, where they’re actually from, what their true goals are, who’s funding them—none of this is ever revealed, though they seem to trade in intelligence and weapons. After Jasmin completes her job of getting information from a congressperson, her handler, Kasha, gives her her next job. Jasmin wants this to end, but then Kasha shows her a picture of her sister being held prisoner. Her sister will die if Jasmin doesn’t continue her work.

Jasmin’s next assignment is to obtain Pratt’s work.

Pratt confronts “Bellamy,” and realizes that he’s actually the supposedly dead David Banner. Pratt is stunned, but is willing to let Banner in as an unofficial consultant on the project, which might be able to cure him of being the Hulk. They actually have him change into the Hulk under controlled conditions (something Banner quails against at first, probably remembering what happened the first time he tried that), and later Banner watches the video footage in awe. He’s never actually seen the Hulk before.

Unfortunately, Pratt is about to lose his funding because his work has insufficient military applications. If they’re going to try to cure Banner, they have to do it soon before the plug is pulled.

Naturally, the night they do the experiment is the night that Jasmin infiltrates the facility, having obtained fingerprints from one of the security guards while chatting him up in a bar, while stealing another guard’s uniform from her dry cleaners.

Jasmin’s break-in forces Pratt to abort the experiment, but then things go horribly wrong, there’s a fire, Pratt is injured, and Banner Hulks out. Pratt is unconscious and is taken to the hospital, and he’s only alive because Jasmin pulls him away from the fire.

Kasha is ready to have Jasmin killed for her failure, as the facility’s in lockdown and Pratt’s in a coma, making the intelligence unavailable. Jasmin manages to save herself by mentioning Banner—he was part of whatever experiment Pratt was performing, and perhaps he knows the specifics. Jasmin is sent with two others to kidnap Banner. However, Banner manages to foil the kidnapping, aided by the distraction of the other thugs trying to kill Jasmin, whose death sentence was only stayed, not stopped.

One thug gets away, the other is shot and killed, but before he dies he reveals to Jasmin that her sister Bela is the head of their movement—she faked the kidnapping to get Jasmin to continue to work. Banner takes Jasmin to a remote cabin and treats her gunshot wound. Then he goes to visit Pratt in the hospital, but he’s still wanted in connection with the fire at the facility, so he has to sneak in—Jasmin, grateful for his aid, helps with that, using her mad spy skillz to get them into his room.

Banner’s words of encouragement (as well as mentioning a school prank Pratt was involved in) help bring Pratt out of his coma. After Banner and Jasmin leave, they are attacked by Kasha’s people, but Banner Hulks out and saves them both. Jasmin gets away on her own, while the Hulk runs off, and when he reverts to Banner, they rendezvous at the cabin. The two of them fall into bed together.

Pratt is moved to a more secure facility, but Kasha’s people manage to get him and his wife away with a stolen ambulance.

Banner and Jasmin plan to go away somewhere and start over (Banner has been doing that on a regular basis for years now, after all, and he didn’t have Jasmin’s talents for blending in and changing faces), but then Jasmin hears the radio report on Pratt’s kidnapping and reluctantly shares it with Banner. Banner has to try to rescue them, and Jasmin agrees to help, even though she just wants to go away. Jasmin works a contact of the movement who runs a car shop, and they find out that the Pratts are being held at an airfield. They leave the car salesman for the police with a note about the airfield. The federal agents who are in charge of the Pratts’ case—who are already pissed that the Pratts were kidnapped right from under their noses—head to the airfield with a mess of cops.

Bela’s people are questioning the Pratts, who are cooperating out of fear. However, once the cops arrive, the guard who sees them immediately opens fire. Things go to hell in a hurry. Banner manages to free the Pratts, Bela shoots Kasha (who has already made a play for her position), Banner Hulks out, Bela tries to escape in a plane, but the Hulk jumps onto it. Bela rather stupidly tries to fire her weapon inside the plane, which results in it exploding. The Hulk plummets to the tarmac and dies in Jasmin’s arms.

 

“When the troll’s upon you, you’re a mighty fighter!”

It’s funny, rewatching Returns and Trial, I had no trouble remembering everything that happened. Even though it’s been decades since I watched them last, I still had clear, detailed memories of many of the events and performances in those two movies.

For Death, I had nothing but a vague memory of a scene here and a scene there. Which is especially odd given that two favorite actors of mine—Elizabeth Gracen and Andreas Katsulas—are in it. But where watching the first two was revisiting a couple of old friends, the third was almost like new.

Watching it again now, the reason is that Death just isn’t very good. Honestly, neither is Returns, but it’s mitigated by excellent performances by Steve Levitt as Blake and especially Eric Kramer as Thor. Kramer embraces the joyous-warrior aspect of Thor wholeheartedly, and it’s great fun to watch, and Levitt’s lost-at-sea Blake sets up a possible TV show nicely. Just as the changes to the Hulk from the comics made for a strong television narrative, so too would have the changes they made to Thor. It’s funny, by the time this movie aired, the comics themselves had abandoned the Don Blake identity for Thor. Unlike many changes made to comic book characters, this one has remained permanent (with one brief exception), a testament to how uninteresting and pointless it was.

However, this take on it had potential: the two of them sharing a relationship instead of being two different aspects of the same person. I particularly like that both Blake and Thor had journeys they needed to go on (the former toward meaning in his life, the latter toward humility, both of them toward heroism), and I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see that journey.

The story that introduced them was dumber than a box of, um, hammers. (Sorry.) It makes no sense for Banner to agree to set aside the experiment that has the potential to cure the nightmare of his existence so he can have a conversation with a student he hasn’t seen in a decade. It makes no sense that Banner would trash the vital component to the Gamma Transponder.

And it especially makes no sense that the bad guys would shoot the younger Lambert. Seriously, these guys are mercenaries and thieves. Murder is a more serious offense than thievery, and one that will bring more attention from law-enforcement down upon one. Plus, of course, shooting someone and not making sure he’s dead before you walk away runs the risk of him, say, telling someone where you’re hiding out and going after you. (This is made worse by the fact that he might tell someone who turns into a big green rage-monster, but one can understand their inability to predict that ahead of time.)

Even more frustrating is how they botch Banner’s romance. The opening of the movie is all about the happy life he has with Maggie, and then Maggie becomes utterly irrelevant (except as a kidnap victim, snore) for the rest of the movie. At the end of the movie, he leaves Maggie and the institute behind without any kind of conversation or anything, he just leaves because it’s the end of the movie and that’s what’s supposed to happen. He doesn’t even make a token attempt to stay or to consider Maggie’s feelings. It just feels perfunctory.

Again, though, Returns is worth sitting through the dumb plot (and Charles Napier’s hilarious attempt at a Cajun accent) for the Thor stuff, plus Bill Bixby remains superb as Banner. I especially like that Banner doesn’t let Blake off the hook for how badly he’s screwed everything up.

Death has no such redeeming features. The bad guys are so incredibly generic that we have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. Seriously, nothing about this group is explained. They all talk with Eastern European accents, plus Andreas Katsulas plays one of them, so we know they’re evil, but—what? I mean, they’re just there to be evil and talk vaguely about causes and that’s it.

And once again they botch a romance, though this one is worse. In Returns, they do an excellent job of establishing Banner and Maggie’s romance at the top of the movie—the problem is that it doesn’t go anywhere after that. In Death, the “romance” between Banner and Jasmin just doesn’t track. Them falling into bed together actually works—they’re both in a bad place emotionally, as Banner’s had yet another cure yanked out from under him (latest in a series! collect ’em all!), while Jasmin has had her entire life ripped apart, and finding solace in each others’ arms is a natural outgrowth of what they’re going through. But the leap from that to running away together and being each others’ twue wuv strains credulity to the breaking point. We’ve seen Banner have relationships with several women, and his romance with Jasmin is the only one that isn’t convincing as a romance.

Which is too bad, because Elizabeth Gracen is, as always, superb, showing Jasmin’s spycraft as well as her pain and anguish. And it’s fun watching her play different roles, and I particularly enjoyed her “duh!” expression when Banner asked how they could possibly get past hospital security to visit Pratt. Gracen has always impressed me with her acting work since she played Amanda on Highlander: The Series and its spinoff Highlander: The Raven, and she outshines the limitations of the script.

One of those limitations is the really appalling impersonation Banner does of a mentally challenged janitor, which just feels oogy watching it now. Having said that, Bixby is also brilliant here, particularly the friendship he develops with Pratt, which is as natural and joyous as his friendship with Elaina Marks in the pilot.

As with Returns, the ending is just wrong, though it’s worse here. The plane takes off, Hulk is holding onto it and then Bela just whips out a gun a starts shooting? These revolutionaries (or whatever the hell they are) are good enough to steal a scientist and his wife from under the nose of federal agents but they’re not bright enough to know not to shoot a gun on an airplane in flight? Really?

And then we have the death of the incredible Hulk because he falls from a great height. And that’s it. It’s the most anticlimactic climax ever and just sits there on the screen, posing a lot more questions than it answers.

Questions that will never be answered, as the response to this movie was so justifiably putrid that the planned sequel was trashed.

Between these two, though, we have one movie that actually succeeds. The storyline hews pretty closely to Frank Miller’s first run on Daredevil—the run that vaulted DD to a more prominent role in the Marvel Universe, where previously he’d pretty much just been a second-rate Spider-Man—during which Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin of Crime, became DD’s primary bad guy. The reinterpretation of Fisk as someone obsessed with video surveillance is an interesting one (and is particularly amusing to watch two decades later when such surveillance is commonplace), and no one ever went wrong casting John Rhys-Davies, who brings a slightly surreal menace to Fisk.

While Matt Murdock’s supporting cast has been altered—partner Foggy Nelson and secretary Karen Page have been changed to partner Christa Klein and secretary Al Pettiman—these changes still work in context. I can certainly see how they might want to have the potential blonde love interest be Murdock’s law partner rather than his subordinate, and the dynamic among the three of them is nicely established early on. As with Thor in Returns, the Daredevil TV show we never got to see had the potential to be interesting. Rex Smith’s Murdock is a convincing crusader, and while I wasn’t completely happy with the smarmy voice he put on as Daredevil, he made the dual identity work, particularly with the change in body language. Murdock is very stiff and deliberate, but once Smith puts the costume on, his movements become much more fluid.

Bixby also does a nice job with a Banner who has pretty much hit rock bottom. (This is supposed to be symbolized by his growing a beard, but honestly? He looked better with the beard. I was disappointed when he shaved it. I kinda wish they had had Ferrigno grow a beard to go along with it, but that was probably asking too much.) Best of all, though, is that the heroism that is inherent to the character, that we saw in the very second movie when he couldn’t resist trying to help the disabled girl visiting her father’s grave, is still there, as he can’t turn his back on Ellie Mendez.

Both Marta DuBois and scripter Gerald Di Pego deserve a ton of credit for the character of Mendez, who could easily be just the generic damsel in distress, but both the script and DuBois’s performance give her far more agency than that, in particular her anger at being targeted for death even after playing ball, and again when she rails at Fisk for violating her life. The character is a perfect metaphor for Fisk’s power over the city, as she was attacked while commuting, and instead of being able to get justice for her attack, her life is threatened and she’s used as a pawn against Daredevil, solely because Fisk a) gives priority to protecting his employee over justice for his victim and b) needs her to stop his enemy. But she’s also a person in her own right, not just a victim, and it’s a bravura performance.

An interesting casting choice in Trial, also. Our good guys include an African-American (Pettiman), an Italian-American (Tindelli), and a Latina (Mendez), while all the criminals are white. Even Turk, a low-level thug from the comics, is re-cast with a white guy. I’m especially grateful that the only Italian character is not one of the mobsters, as Italians are almost always either mobsters or comic relief on television and in movies, and it grows tiresome.

Bixby also directed both Trial and Death, and he is to be commended not only for the strong performances, but also for some impressive camera work. In both movies he uses closeups of Lou Ferrigno’s eyes to good effect during transformation sequences, and he makes some other clever cinematographic choices to show the Hulk’s rampages to vary things up a bit. My favorite is the Hulk’s breakout from prison in Trial, where we just follow the trail of destruction, which is even more effective than yet another Ferrigno-destroys-things sequence.

As an attempt to introduce more Marvel heroes to television, these movies should have been successful. These interpretations of Thor and Daredevil might well have made for good TV. Alas, it was not to be, though one can hardly complain about the work that Chris Hemsworth and Charlie Cox have done in the roles more recently. (The less said about Ben Affleck the better, though you can be assured I’ll say plenty when we get to the 2003 Daredevil movie in this rewatch…)

Next week we’ll have a double-shot of the rewatch, as we’ll take a special Hallowe’en look at the four Crow movies on Tuesday, then on Friday we shall tackle the 1990s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trilogy.

Keith R.A. DeCandido‘s most recent book is Marvel’s Thor: Tales of Asgard, an omnibus of his trilogy of novels featuring Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three.

Have a Peculiar Halloween with 8 Quirky Horror Stories

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Over the Garden Wall quirky horror list

The thing about quirky horror is how slyly it tricks you.

Like many of its heroes and heroines, you crawl through a portal to another world, lured by the unbelievable hominess of a mirror world where everything is fantastical and fun, so much more so than real life. The mystical creatures seem cute—who doesn’t love button-eyes!—and everyone is oh-so-welcoming. They want to make you their queen, or their apprentice, or their eternal guest of honor. But the thing is, what seems normal in these quirky tales is actually quite horrifying back in the real world. Yet we can’t resist opening that mysterious door that has just appeared in the wall, or in the tree…

Read on for eight whimsical horror tales, but don’t forget to keep your wits about you.

 

Coraline by Neil Gaiman

Unappreciated by her parents, young Coraline Jones crawls through a hidden door into a mirror world, where her Other Mother actually pays attention to her and wants her to stay. The only immediately noticeable difference is that everyone in this world has buttons over their eyes. Buttons, on their own, are the kind of twee touch that heightens the whimsy of a secret world like this. Except when you consider the actual mechanics of sewing those buttons on in the first place. And why the Other Mother is so eager that Coraline trade her freedom for her own bright, shiny pair.

 

Down Among the Sticks and Bones by Seanan McGuire

Jack and Jill, but they’re sisters. No, wait—Jack and Jill, but Jack is the girly one and Jill is the tomboy. OK, once more—Jack and Jill, but they’ve tumbled down through a portal into the dark Moors, watched over by a blood-red moon, where a vampire and a mad scientist divvy them up for themselves. The Master sees in Jill the “daughter” he’s always wanted, and she gets the opportunity she’s always hungered for, to be a “lady”… all she has to do is join the Master in immortality. Dr. Bleak also wants an apprentice, but he strips away Jack’s frills to reveal the practicality he needs in a protégé. A protégé, that is, who can help him raise the dead. McGuire’s second Wayward Children installment (albeit a prequel to Every Heart a Doorway) riffs on the beloved nursery rhyme about curious siblings getting into trouble, but instead of a hill, it’s a mashup of two archetypal horror villains. Something for everyone!

 

The Nightmare Before Christmas, original poem by Tim Burton

The Nightmare Before Christmas quirky horror movie list

One of the hallmarks of this subgenre is the disconnect between something not being scary in the context of the quirky horror world but being quite creepifyin’ out of that context. To wit: Halloween Town is more cute than scary because of the joy that Jack Skellington (the Pumpkin King! delightful!), rag doll experiment Sally, and the trick-or-treaters take in their existence. They love Halloween, so we do, too! But when they take over Christmas, bestowing Halloween-inspired gifts to the children in the real world, they’re terrified by the killer dolls, hungry wreaths, and severed heads. Sounds like they would’ve been better off with coal…

 

The Girl Who Fell Beneath Fairyland and Led the Revels There by Catherynne M. Valente

On her first foray into Fairyland, September gave up her shadow to save a life. But, like Peter Pan’s shadow, Halloween the Hollow Queen has taken on a life of her own: She rules the shadowy underworld of Fairyland Below, throwing lavish parties where residents get to wear the spangliest dresses and eat the spangliest food, and who cares if the price of admission to the Revel is losing their own shadows? Surely the Feast, with tables buckling under the weight of Goblin tarts and pumpkin soups and inky-black chocolate cakes, is worth it. The Revelers could want for nothing else; the eternal half-existence in the underworld is enough. Isn’t it?

 

Return to Oz, story by L. Frank Baum

Return to Oz quirky horror book movies list

Dorothy Gale’s homecoming to the land of Oz is stripped of any of the technicolor warmth of The Wizard of Oz in this bizarre sequel, which reverses the quirky horror trope by twisting the original’s whimsy into something terrifying. Everything that once welcomed Dorothy to Oz is now forbidding: King Scarecrow is firmly situated in the uncanny valley; the Tin Man has been replaced by a sweet mechanical man called Tik-Tok whose eyes are deep pools of sadness; her steed Gump is a moose (?) constructed from an old couch (?!). And while the Wicked Witch of the West was delightfully evil enough to inspire sympathy in Wicked the book and musical, vain sorceress Mombi, with her collection of staring heads, is pure nightmare fodder.

 

Over the Garden Wall, created by Patrick McHale

In the dreamlike Unknown, half-brothers Wirt and Greg encounter all manner of whimsical beings: a talking bluebird named Beatrice; a town of people with pumpkin heads; a witch who has imprisoned a girl into working for her, except that it’s actually the other way around; a spooky person trying to catch a soul in a lantern… and suddenly, you start to understand why they’re trying so hard to find their way home. What began as a carefree romp over the garden wall is actually the reverse, a desperate attempt to return to where they came from, before they become permanent residents of the Unknown.

 

The Addams Family, created by Charles Addams

From the irreverent, satirical cartoons of Charles Addams to the macabre movies and TV series, Morticia, Gomez, Wednesday, and Pugsley Addams—plus their assorted spooky relatives—put a spin on their own spookiness. Their delight in Friday the 13ths and bedtime stories where the dragon, not the princess, lives happily ever after makes them quirky (one might say “altogether ooky”) but also weirdly relatable.

 

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket

The Baudelaire orphans lose their parents in a fire, are shipped off to mysterious distant relative Count Olaf, and must outwit his nefarious schemes to get his hands on their fortune. The Bad Beginning alone involves a hook-handed man, emotional and physical abuse of children, and Olaf tricking 14-year-old Violet into a legally binding marriage.

Hilarious, right?

Actually, Snicket’s series is, as the Baudelaire orphans give as good as they get—always watch what hand someone uses to sign a marriage contract—and escape Olaf’s clutches, only to land in increasingly more ridiculously awful situations, from hurricanes to empty elevators. There’s also a healthy dose of meta humor, as beleaguered narrator Snicket’s attempts to deter you, the reader, from picking up the next installment become increasingly more histrionic: SAVE YOURSELVES! DO NOT READ THIS SERIES. Except, do.

 

What are your favorite works of quirky horror?

Beetlejuice: A Ghostly, Gothed-Out 80s Fairy Tale for the Ages

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I’ve been rewatching Beetlejuice, a movie I’ve been madly in love with since I was 9 years old, and trying to figure out what makes it work as well it does. I think to understand Beetlejuice, and why it’s a high point of Tim Burton’s career, it helps to understand what it could have been: a much darker, less comedic film that comes off as the insane, creepy evil twin of the 80s classic that many of us grew up with.

In Michael McDowell’s original script, we’re introduced to the Maitlands, our charming young protagonists, only to watch them die a violent, graphic death, trapped in their car and screaming for help as they drown. Later, as ghosts, they exhume Betelgeuse, the psychotic manifestation of a winged demon who spends the rest of the movie trying to straight up murder the house’s new owners and defile their older daughter (the younger daughter is merely mutilated).

Tim Burton read this, apparently, and thought, “YES.” But also, “I’ve got some notes.” Another writer was brought on to help with the story, and eventually the whole script was rewritten by a third writer (Warren Skaaren), who drastically changed the tone of the project at Burton’s behest, making it more witty and comedic, less surreal and sinister. And that’s how pure concentrated nightmare fuel became one of the best death-related comedies ever: an oddly life-affirming, wholesome fairy tale that could be considered an offbeat, cartoonish Harold and Maude for the children of the late 80s.

Beetlejuice10

In the screen version, we meet the Maitlands on the first day of their stay-at-home vacation. They’re up and about at 6:45 AM; she’s wearing an apron, he’s listening to Harry Belafonte and working on his miniature model of their idyllic town. They are young, square, and in love, and the only shadow cast on their happiness is the fact that they haven’t been able to have children. Their death, in contrast to the original script, is quick and relatively painless: swerving to avoid a dog in the road, they crash through a covered bridge and end up in the river. I’ve always wondered whether the last shot, of the shaggy dog sending them crashing down, was an intentional visual pun invoking the concept of a shaggy dog story—their anticlimactic demise coming on like the end of a bad joke. Given the rest of the humor, it certainly wouldn’t be out of place…

Adam and Barbara return home, find The Handbook for the Recently Deceased, and start coming to grips with the realization that they’ve somehow shuffled off this mortal coil, but aren’t able to leave their house. Enter the new tenants, the Deetzes: neurotic, hip, and benignly dysfunctional. Charles is a real estate developer whose nerves are shot; moving to Winter River, Connecticut is his attempt to relax and recover from a recent breakdown. Delia, his wife, is a sculptor who misses the hip, bohemian life in New York; with the help of Otho, the world’s most pretentious interior decorator, she begins remodeling the house. Finally, Lydia Deetz makes her entrance, gothed out to the max, viewing everything through the lens of her camera (the camera is a constant prop until she meets the Maitlands; when her father offers to build her a darkroom, she dramatically replies, “My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.”)

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Lydia’s character took the place of both an older and a younger (9-year-old) daughter in the original script, which explains why the role demanded someone who could believably balance between vulnerable kid and savvy young adult (she’s described by Barbara as a “little girl” and refers to herself as “a child,” but is also just old enough that Betelegeuse’s attraction to her is merely pervy and distasteful, not totally obscene). Winona Ryder was 16 when the movie was released, and she manages to play Lydia as a smart, dry-witted, precocious young woman who can match her stepmother quip for sophisticated quip, but isn’t jaded enough to ignore the Maitlands’ clumsy attempts at haunting her family.

As she later tells the Maitlands, “Well, I read through that Handbook for the Recently Deceased. It says, ‘Live people ignore the strange and unusual’…I myself am strange and unusual.” The line is more or less played for laughs, as Ryder’s stagey, deadpan delivery of the last line seems intended to indicate that Lydia might be taking herself a little too seriously, but she’s absolutely right: she’s an outsider, and it makes her special, and the fact is that everything that happens in Beetlejuice revolves around her from here on out, even if Barbara and Adam Maitland seem to be the more obvious protagonists.

Tim Burton is always at his best when he’s telling a story that centers on some version of a childlike adult: Pee-Wee Herman, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Jack Skellington—his early career is built on a veritable parade of odd, enthusiastic, well-meaning manchildren (I don’t want to get into Willy Wonka or Alice—the pattern is there but Burton’s remakes didn’t work nearly as well for me.) Lydia Deetz fills almost the same role in Beetlejuice, but she gets to be the precocious oddball who is also the voice of reason, the wise child in a world full of petty, distracted, or misguided adults. In a sense, the whole movie plays out like a wish fulfillment fantasy for bored, attention-starved children of the 80s: once Betelgeuse seizes on Lydia as both a sexual object and a way back into the world of the living, her flakey, self-centered parents are finally forced to focus on the fact that she’s in trouble, while Adam and Barbara spring into action to save her.

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In the end, defeating Betelgeuse brings everyone together happily under one roof—unlike the first version of the script, which had the Maitlands shrinking and moving into the miniature model version of their own house, or another which had the Deetzes moving back to New York, leaving Lydia to be raised by the Maitlands. The movie closes with all four parental figures delighted by the fact that Lydia passed her math test. Charles is more relaxed, Delia is happier and more successful as an artist (her cover of Art in America hangs in the study), and Barbara and Adam finally have a child that they can dote on in a corny, adorable, stern-but-loving way that includes plenty of Harry Belafonte. In short, Lydia is surrounded by a non-traditional but completely nuclear family that centers upon her and her wellbeing.

Interestingly, she herself hasn’t changed her personality, but she certainly seems happier, more outgoing, and in place of her formerly all black, goth-y style, she now sports a white shirt and even some plaid as part of her school uniform (though there’s still plenty of black in the mix—the change is just enough to show that she’s incorporated a bit of the Maitland’s wholesome style into her own). Speaking of which, the Maitlands aren’t just ghosts in the sense that they’re no longer living; in a way, Adam and Barbara can be seen as being tied to the past in many ways. As Otho quips, they’re Ozzie and Harriet; she wears aprons around the house, he’s obsessed with Harry Belafonte hits from the late 50s; it’s not just that they’re straight-laced and traditional—they seem like they’re from a completely different decade when compared with quintessential 80s yuppies like the Deetzes.

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In fact, Burton seems to be playing around quite a bit with various wacky generational elements in this movie. Besides the Maitlands being quirky throwbacks to the Eisenhower administration, there’s the casting: even if we completely put aside the fact that Burton had to be talked out of going after Sammy Davis, Jr. for the role of Betelgeuse (which is still something I’m struggling to picture, to be honest), there’s Robert Goulet as real estate tycoon Maxie Dean, as well as Dick Cavett, who shows up as Delia’s agent. Between Belafonte, Goulet, and Cavett, Beetlejuice seems hell-bent on populating its late 80s setting with icons of suave (yet wholesome, non-threatening) early 60s cool….

Clearly, many directors’ personal nostalgia directly informs their work, but there are some, like Tim Burton and John Waters, who really seem to revel in it, in different ways. Waters (born in 1946), maniacally skewers the conventions of polite suburban society and presents a reality in which everything is so much better when the weirdos, misfits, outcasts and nonconformists take over; proving that it’s possible to be both affectionate, mocking, and relentlessly subversive toward cultural norms all at the same time. Burton (born in 1961) has no interest in the revenge of the outcast; his solution to conflict between the past and present, say, or straitlaced squares versus artsy yuppies is always to combine the two opposing sides into a more interesting, weirder definition of “normal”: and when it doesn’t entirely work out (as in Edward Scissorhands or Ed Wood), well, it’s clear we’re all a little worse off and poorer for not embracing the possibilities.

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In this case, however, it all plays out perfectly: Lydia gets her hip New Yorker parents doing their thing on one floor, her devoted, 50s-style Ozzie and Harriet parents on the next, and a new look that might be described as “sunny suburban goth.” And you know what? It’s great.

Wish fulfillment isn’t a bad thing—with a movie as clever, well written, and brilliantly cast as Beetlejuice, that happy ending is more than earned, and that last scene is a thing of beauty that, for me, just never gets old. It does, however, strike me as very much a product of its time. I mentioned Harold and Maude, earlier, because the older I get, the more I tend to think of these movies as variations on a theme, almost two decades apart. Both are dark comedies, and both feature extremely likeable young protagonists with distant parents and a fascination with death (or more precisely in Lydia’s case, the afterlife). Released in 1971, Harold and Maude was director Hal Ashby’s affectionate wake-up call to the disaffected youth of the day, assuring them that alienation and ennui are nothing compared with the struggles of past generations (in Maude’s case, the Holocaust…beat that, baby boomers!)

Harold and Maude is a romance, albeit an unconventional one, and its ending is about growing up and embracing adulthood. Beetlejuice, on the other hand, is about protecting and prolonging innocence, saving Lydia from the creepy, unwanted advances of an undead maniac but also from growing up too fast and becoming too jaded and cynical. If the message of Harold and Maude (in a nutshell) was “You’re not the center of the universe, kid. Grow up and fully embrace life because it’s awesome,” then the message of Beetlejuice could be interpreted as something like, “You are totally the center of the universe, kid. You should embrace life because dying won’t make you less neurotic, and all of your problems have been solved thanks to your fairy godparents—I mean, your new old-fashioned ghost parents.” To be fair, like any good fairy tale, Lydia gets her happy ending by being brave and unselfish, but she’s also rewarded for being strange and unusual and different from everyone else—Beetlejuice is like Tim Burton’s feature-length “It Gets Better” video for artsy goth kids stuck in suburbia, and I have absolutely no problem with that. There are worse role models than Lydia Deetz (especially if you lived through the 1980s), and worse messages than “enjoy your childhood,” especially in a movie which actually seems to respect its young protagonist as an intelligent, capable human being.

I think this might be Burton’s best movie for many reasons, not least of which is the amazing cast, all of whom would have gotten a glorious twenty-minute standing ovation at the 1989 Oscars if it had been up to me. I’ve barely mentioned Betelgeuse, because in many ways his major function in the plot is as the catalyst that brings the cutting-edge yuppies and the traditional homebodies together, uniting them as allies so that everything can be resolved happily—but that just makes Michael Keaton’s star performance even more incredible. He’s cartoonish, buffoonish, creepy, and unstable without ever going all the way to scary, changing from minute to minute in a way that would have been exhausting and/or annoying in the hands of a lesser actor. Keaton embodies and brings to life all the subversive, selfish, exploitative elements that have to be expelled before everyone can unite for their rockin’ Belafonte paranormal dance party, and he looks good doing it. That’s no small feat.

But in the end, I think the movie succeeds as wonderfully as it does because Burton managed to find a perfect vehicle for all of his pet quirks and artistic preoccupations in this bizarro fantasy about a bunch of people—all losers, outsiders, damaged goods or outcasts in their way—who discover that embracing weirdness might just be the key to true happiness. And he did it by hiding a delightful fairy tale inside a modern ghost story (one in which the ghosts wear designer sheets and compel the living to dance to calypso), transforming a warped horror script into a witty offbeat comedy, and generally making strange with all sorts of cinematic and casting conventions.

Looking back, Beetlejuice is clearly classic Burton, but in a way that feels unstudied and spontaneous, like he was just throwing all the elements that he loved together to see if it all coalesced into something amazing…and he succeeded. He’s made plenty of other movies that I enjoy almost as much as Beetlejuice, but I don’t think any of them have quite the same sense of experimentation and manic, unrestrained joy as this cinematic love letter to youth, exuberance, and all that is strange and unusual.

This article was originally published in October 2012 as part of Tor.com’s Ghost Week, and appeared again in October 2015.

Bridget McGovern is the non-fiction editor of Tor.com. She was also one of New York City’s leading paranormal researchers, until the bottom dropped out in ’72.

Take a Look at the Harry Potter Synopsis That Most Publishers Turned Down

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Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone cover

“Harry Potter lives with his aunt, uncle and cousin because his parents died in a car-crash — or so he has been told.”

If you read that sentence, would you keep going? That was the choice faced by publishers across the U.K. when they received the synopsis of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone for the first time. And most of them passed it right by…

At the “Harry Potter: A History of Magic” exhibit at the British Library, fans can take a peek at Rowling’s original synopsis for first Harry Potter book, and get the chance to place themselves in the shoes of an editor; how would you have replied to this synopsis?

Here’s a peek of it in print:

For those who can’t make it to the British Library, most of the information found in the exhibit is available in the book Harry Potter: A Journey Through A History of Magic. But the hardcopy of this synopsis will be on display until February 28th, 2018!

[Via Huffington Post]

Five Books Featuring Psychological Hauntings

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The classic literary ghost has certain well-defined characteristics: he or she was once a specific human who died in some particularly traumatic way. Stripped of flesh, the ghost has nothing left but psychological compulsion, whether to reenact the trauma, to communicate what happened, or simply to terrorize the living in revenge. Such ghosts are often visible as a hazy form in antiquated clothing, and their touch may be sensed by living skin, but they don’t have much in the way of corporeality.

Any trope so comfortably established invites departures; if we know what our ghosts ought to be, why not explore what they can become? We know that ghosts can sit on the beds of sleeping children, watching them with shadowed eyes, but how else might they relate to the living? What if the compulsions they enact are not their own, but ours, or if the trauma they carry is not the singular grief of one heartbroken person, but something more encompassing? When I started writing When I Cast Your Shadow, which features its own alternative ghosts—who can only access our world by possessing the living, and who don’t retain any definite form, beyond what the living project onto them—my long interest in the manifold forms hauntings can take became acute.

 

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson

The ghost as psychological parasite.

Dr. Montague introduces his guests to Hill House with the suggestion that “some houses are born bad.” While a classic assortment of suicides, derangements, and tragic deaths are associated with Hill House, the first one occurs before it’s even inhabited, when the young Mrs. Crain’s carriage overturns before she can move in. The house appears to be haunted, not by the dead, but by intrinsic evil, and it seduces the shy newcomer Eleanor as if it were a venomous lover. At first she finds a sense of unwonted belonging, and a vivid new version of herself, with her companions there. Then the house begins to feed on her vulnerabilities and resentments, invading her mind as a ravenous parasite bent on extracting all it can from its host.

 

We Were Liars by E. Lockhart

Ghosts as repressed memory.

Ghosts often express a trauma that circles back, that insists on making itself known to the living—but that trauma usually belongs to the ghosts themselves, and not to those they haunt. In a striking shift, the ghosts of We Were Liars, while hardly content with their fate, have accepted the horror that killed them with surprising grace and resignation. It is their surviving friend, Cadence Sinclair, who has repressed all memory of the trauma she unleashed. The ghosts, with a decidedly unghostly gentleness, lead her to a confrontation with the past they all share.

 

The Walls Around Us by Nova Ren Suma

Ghosts as agents of judgment.

It’s common for ghosts to serve as a sort of externalized conscience and wreak vengeance on the guilty, but it’s far less usual for them to form packs and hunt down a wrongdoer on behalf of an injured friend. The ghosts of The Walls Around Us, the inmates of a girls’ detention center who died in a mass poisoning, might seem to be classic specters at first glance. But in their shared rage against the sociopathic Violet and her betrayal of their compatriot Ori, they become manifestations of a collective outrage which is very unlike the personal, single-minded vindictiveness of traditional ghosts. And their ability to reverse injustice, even to the point of trading death for life, dramatically expands the power of hauntings to set the world to rights.

 

The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters

A ghost of the living.

What if looking to the dead for the source of a ghostly disturbance is a mistake, and we’re actually haunted by the stifled envy and malice of the living? Poltergeists are often symptomatic of psychological unrest and are associated especially with adolescent girls, alive and acting out their disturbed emotions through unconscious, telekinetic violence. The vicious poltergeist of The Little Stranger emerges from a grown man. He hounds the Ayres family he both fetishizes and hates, going to the extreme of impersonating the ghost of a dead child the better to torment them. The Ayreses are at the mercy of a toxic brew of sadism and class resentment, while the man behind their haunting remains blithely oblivious to his own cruelty.

 

Beloved by Toni Morrison

The ghost as embodied mass trauma.

The most visionary of ghost stories suggests that individual tragedies may not be self-contained, but instead express an immense and devastating communal inheritance channeled through personal grief. After Sethe kills her two-year-old daughter to save the child from being returned to slavery, Beloved first manifests as a fairly classic poltergeist, venting her rage against her family. Later, though, she comes to Sethe as something much greater. Incarnate in the dewy, teenaged beauty that should have been hers, Beloved enacts infantile hunger, love, longing, and destructiveness. But behind her tantrums, Beloved keeps the secret of memories that she cannot communicate. She is not just the ghost of one little girl, but also the ghost of the Middle Passage’s uncountable victims. The trauma of her early death cannot be separated from the larger traumas of slavery. History haunts Beloved’s family through her; it returns embodied in a girl delicate, violent, and infinitely sad.

 

Top Image: The Haunting of Hill House (1963)

Sarah Porter is the author of several dark fantasy novels for young adults, including When I Cast Your Shadow and Vassa in the Night, and one middle grade sci-fi novel, Tentacle and Wing. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and two cats.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

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FOUND AMONG THE PAPERS
OF THE LATE DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER

A pleasing land of drowsy head it was,
Of dreams that wave before the half-shut eye;
And of gay castles in the clouds that pass,
For ever flushing round a summer sky.

Castle of Indolence

IN THE BOSOM OF one of those spacious coves which indent the eastern shore of the Hudson, at that broad expansion of the river denominated by the ancient Dutch navigators the Tappan Zee, and where they always prudently shortened sail, and implored the protection of St. Nicholas when they crossed, there lies a small market town or rural port, which by some is called Greensburgh, but which is more generally and properly known by the name of Tarry Town. This name was given, we are told, in former days, by the good housewives of the adjacent country, from the inveterate propensity of their husbands to linger about the village tavern on market days. Be that as it may, I do not vouch for the fact, but merely advert to it, for the sake of being precise and authentic. Not far from this village, perhaps about two miles, there is a little valley, or rather lap of land, among high hills, which is one of the quietest places in the whole world. A small brook glides through it, with just murmur enough to lull one to repose; and the occasional whistle of a quail or tapping of a woodpecker is almost the only sound that ever breaks in upon the uniform tranquillity.

I recollect that, when a stripling, my first exploit in squirrel shooting was in a grove of tall walnut trees that shades one side of the valley. I had wandered into it at noontime, when all nature is peculiarly quiet, and was startled by the roar of my own gun, as it broke the Sabbath stillness around, and was prolonged and reverberated by the angry echoes. If ever I should wish for a retreat, whither I might steal from the world and its distractions and dream quietly away the remnant of a troubled life, I know of none more promising than this little valley.

From the listless repose of the place, and the peculiar character of its inhabitants, who are descendants from the original Dutch settlers, this sequestered glen has long been known by the name of SLEEPY HOLLOW, and its rustic lads are called the Sleepy Hollow Boys throughout all the neighboring country. A drowsy, dreamy influence seems to hang over the land, and to pervade the very atmosphere. Some say that the place was bewitched by a high German doctor during the early days of the settlement; others, that an old Indian chief, the prophet or wizard of his tribe, held his powwows there before the country was discovered by Master Hendrick Hudson. Certain it is, the place still continues under the sway of some witching power that holds a spell over the minds of the good people, causing them to walk in a continual reverie. They are given to all kinds of marvelous beliefs, are subject to trances and visions, and frequently see strange sights, and hear music and voices in the air. The whole neighborhood abounds with local tales, haunted spots, and twilight superstitions; stars shoot and meteors glare oftener across the valley than in any other part of the country, and the nightmare, with her whole ninefold, seems to make it the favorite scene of her gambols.

The dominant spirit, however, that haunts this enchanted region and seems to be commander-in-chief of all the powers of the air is the apparition of a figure on horseback without a head. It is said by some to be the ghost of a Hessian trooper, whose head had been carried away by a cannon ball, in some nameless battle during the Revolutionary War, and who is ever and anon seen by the country folk, hurrying along in the gloom of night, as if on the wings of the wind. His haunts are not confined to the valley, but extend at times to the adjacent roads, and especially to the vicinity of a church at no great distance. Indeed, certain of the most authentic historians of those parts, who have been careful in collecting and collating the floating facts concerning this specter, allege that the body of the trooper, having been buried in the churchyard, the ghost rides forth to the scene of battle in nightly quest of his head; and that the rushing speed with which he sometimes passes along the Hollow, like a midnight blast, is owing to his being belated, and in a hurry to get back to the churchyard before daybreak.

Such is the general purport of this legendary superstition, which has furnished materials for many a wild story in that region of shadows; and the specter is known, at all the country firesides, by the name of the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow.

It is remarkable that the visionary propensity I have mentioned is not confined to the native inhabitants of the valley, but is unconsciously imbibed by everyone who resides there for a time. However wide awake they may have been before they entered that sleepy region, they are sure, in a little time, to inhale the witching influence of the air, and begin to grow imaginative—to dream dreams and see apparitions.

I mention this peaceful spot with all possible laud; for it is in such little retired Dutch valleys, found here and there embosomed in the great State of New York, that population, manners, and customs remain fixed; while the great torrent of migration and improvement, which is making such incessant changes in other parts of this restless country, sweeps by them unobserved. They are like those little nooks of still water which border a rapid stream, where we may see the straw and bubble riding quietly at anchor, or slowly revolving in their mimic harbor, undisturbed by the rush of the passing current. Though many years have elapsed since I trod the drowsy shades of Sleepy Hollow, yet I question whether I should not still find the same trees and the same families vegetating in its sheltered bosom.

In this by-place of nature there abode, in a remote period of American history, that is to say, some thirty years since, a worthy wight of the name of Ichabod Crane, who sojourned, or, as he Expressed it, “tarried” in Sleepy Hollow, for the purpose of instructing the children of the vicinity. He was a native of Connecticut, a State which supplies the Union with pioneers for the mind as well as for the forest, and sends forth yearly its legions of frontier woodsmen and country schoolmasters. The cognomen of Crane was not inapplicable to his person. He was tall, but exceedingly lank, with narrow shoulders, long arms and legs, hands that dangled a mile out of his sleeves, feet that might have served for shovels, and his whole frame most loosely hung together. His head was small, and flat at top, with huge ears, large green glassy eyes, and a long snipe nose, so that it looked like a weathercock, perched upon his spindle neck, to tell which way the wind blew. To see him striding along the profile of a hill on a windy day, with his clothes bagging and fluttering about him, one might have mistaken him for the genius of famine descending upon the earth, or some scarecrow eloped from a cornfield.

His schoolhouse was a low building of one large room, rudely constructed of logs, the windows partly glazed, and partly patched with leaves of old copybooks. It was most ingeniously secured at vacant hours by a withe twisted in the handle of the door and stakes set against the window shutters, so that, though a thief might get in with perfect ease, he would find some embarrassment in getting out; an idea most probably borrowed by the architect, Yost Van Houten, from the mystery of an eel pot. The schoolhouse stood in a rather lonely but pleasant situation, just at the foot of a woody hill, with a brook running close by, and a formidable birch tree growing at one end of it. From hence the low murmur of his pupils’ voices, conning over their lessons, might be heard in a drowsy summer’s day, like the hum of a beehive, interrupted now and then by the authoritative voice of the master, in the tone of menace or command, or, peradventure, by the appalling sound of the birch, as he urged some tardy loiterer along the flowery path of knowledge. Truth to say, he was a conscientious man, and ever bore in mind the golden maxim, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” Ichabod Crane’s scholars certainly were not spoiled.

I would not have it imagined, however, that he was one of those cruel potentates of the school who joy in the smart of their subjects; on the contrary, he administered justice with discrimination rather than severity, taking the burthen off the backs of the weak, and laying it on those of the strong. Your mere puny stripling that winced at the least flourish of the rod was passed by with indulgence; but the claims of justice were satisfied by inflicting a double portion on some little, tough, wrong-headed, broad-skirted Dutch urchin, who sulked and swelled and grew dogged and sullen beneath the birch. All this he called “doing his duty by their parents”; and he never inflicted a chastisement without following it by the assurance, so consolatory to the smarting urchin, that “he would remember it, and thank him for it the longest day he had to live.”

When school hours were over, he was even the companion and playmate of the larger boys; and on holiday afternoons would convoy some of the smaller ones home, who happened to have pretty sisters, or good housewives for mothers, noted for the comforts of the cupboard. Indeed it behooved him to keep on good terms with his pupils. The revenue arising from his school was small, and would have been scarcely sufficient to furnish him with daily bread, for he was a huge feeder, and though lank, had the dilating powers of an anaconda; but to help out his maintenance, he was, according to country custom in those parts, boarded and lodged at the houses of the farmers whose children he instructed. With these he lived successively a week at a time; thus going the rounds of the neighborhood, with all his worldly effects tied up in a cotton handkerchief.

That all this might not be too onerous on the purses of his rustic patrons, who are apt to consider the costs of schooling a grievous burden and schoolmasters as mere drones, he had various ways of rendering himself both useful and agreeable. He assisted the farmers occasionally in the lighter labors of their farms, helped to make hay, mended the fences, took the horses to water, drove the cows from pasture, and cut wood for the winter fire. He laid aside, too, all the dominant dignity and absolute sway with which he lorded it in his little empire, the school, and became wonderfully gentle and ingratiating. He found favor in the eyes of the mothers by petting the children, particularly the youngest; and like the lion bold, which whilom so magnanimously the lamb did hold, he would sit with a child on one knee, and rock a cradle with his foot for whole hours together.

In addition to his other vocations, he was the singing master of the neighborhood, and picked up many bright shillings by instructing the young folks in psalmody. It was a matter of no little vanity to him, on Sundays, to take his station in front of the church gallery, with a band of chosen singers; where, in his own mind, he completely carried away the palm from the parson. Certain it is, his voice resounded far above all the rest of the congregation; and there are peculiar quavers still to be heard in that church, and which may even be heard half a mile off, quite to the opposite side of the millpond, on a still Sunday morning, which are said to be legitimately descended from the nose of Ichabod Crane. Thus, by diverse little makeshifts in that ingenious way which is commonly denominated “by hook and by crook,” the worthy pedagogue got on tolerably enough, and was thought, by all who understood nothing of the labor of headwork, to have a wonderfully easy life of it.

The schoolmaster is generally a man of some importance in the female circle of a rural neighborhood, being considered a kind of idle gentlemanlike personage, of vastly superior taste and accomplishments to the rough country swains, and, indeed, inferior in learning only to the parson. His appearance, therefore, is apt to occasion some little stir at the tea table of a farmhouse, and the addition of a supernumerary dish of cakes or sweetmeats, or, peradventure, the parade of a silver teapot. Our man of letters, therefore, was peculiarly happy in the smiles of all the country damsels. How he would figure among them in the churchyard, between services on Sundays! gathering grapes for them from the wild vines that overrun the surrounding trees, reciting for their amusement all the epitaphs on the tombstones, or sauntering, with a whole bevy of them, along the banks of the adjacent millpond, while the more bashful country bumpkins hung sheepishly back, envying his superior elegance and address.

From his half-itinerant life, also, he was a kind of traveling gazette, carrying the whole budget of local gossip from house to house, so that his appearance was always greeted with satisfaction. He was, moreover, esteemed by the women as a man of his great erudition, for he had read several books quite through, and was a perfect master of Cotton Mather’s History of New England Witchcraft, in which, by the way, he most firmly and potently believed.

He was, in fact, an odd mixture of small shrewdness and simple credulity. His appetite for the marvelous, and his powers of digesting it, were equally extraordinary; and both had been increased by his residence in this spellbound region. No tale was too gross or monstrous for his capacious swallow. It was often his delight, after his school was dismissed in the afternoon, to stretch himself on the rich bed of clover, bordering the little brook that whimpered by his schoolhouse, and there con over old Mather’s direful tales, until the gathering dusk of the evening made the printed page a mere mist before his eyes. Then, as he wended his way, by swamp and stream and awful woodland, to the farmhouse where he happened to be quartered, every sound of nature, at that witching hour, fluttered his excited imagination: the moan of the whippoorwill* from the hillside; the boding cry of the tree toad, that harbinger of storm; the dreary hooting of the screech owl, or the sudden rustling in the thicket of birds frightened from their roost. The fireflies, too, which sparkled most vividly in the darkest places, now and then startled him, as one of uncommon brightness would stream across his path; and if, by chance, a huge blockhead of a beetle came winging his blundering flight against him, the poor varlet was ready to give up the ghost, with the idea that he was struck with a witch’s token. His only resource on such occasions, either to drown thought or drive away evil spirits, was to sing psalm tunes; and the good people of Sleepy Hollow, as they sat by their doors of an evening, were often filled with awe, at hearing his nasal melody, “in linked sweetness long drawn out,” floating from the distant hill or along the dusky road.

*The whippoorwill is a bird which is only heard at night. It receives its name from its note, which is thought to resemble those words.

Another of his sources of fearful pleasure was to pass long winter evenings with the old Dutch wives as they sat spinning by the fire, with a row of apples roasting and spluttering along the hearth, and listen to their marvelous tales of ghosts and goblins, and haunted fields, and haunted brooks, and haunted bridges, and haunted houses, and particularly of the headless horseman, or galloping Hessian of the Hollow, as they sometimes called him. He would delight them equally by his anecdotes of witchcraft, and of the direful omens and portentous sights and sounds in the air, which prevailed in the earlier times of Connecticut; and would frighten them woefully with speculations upon comets and shooting stars, and with the alarming fact that the world did absolutely turn around, and that they were half the time topsy-turvy!

But if there was a pleasure in all this, while snugly cuddling in the chimney corner of a chamber that was all of a ruddy glow from the crackling wood fire, and where, of course, no specter dared to show his face, it was dearly purchased by the terrors of his subsequent walk homewards. What fearful shapes and shadows beset his path amidst the dim and ghastly glare of a snowy night! With what wistful look did he eye every trembling ray of light streaming across the waste fields from some distant window! How often was he appalled by some shrub covered with snow, which, like a sheeted specter, beset his very path! How often did he shrink with curdling awe at the sound of his own steps on the frosty crust beneath his feet; and dread to look over his shoulder, lest he should behold some uncouth being tramping close behind him! And how often was he thrown into complete dismay by some rushing blast, howling among the trees, in the idea that it was the Galloping Hessian on one of his nightly scourings!

All these, however, were mere terrors of the night, phantoms of the mind that walk in darkness; and though he had seen many specters in his time, and been more than once beset by Satan in diverse shapes, in his lonely perambulations, yet daylight put an end to all these evils; and he would have passed a pleasant life of it, in despite of the devil and all his works, if his path had not been crossed by a being that causes more perplexity to mortal man than ghosts, goblins, and the whole race of witches put together, and that was—a woman.

Among the musical disciples who assembled, one evening in each week, to receive his instructions in psalmody, was Katrina Van Tassel, the daughter and only child of a substantial Dutch farmer. She was a blooming lass of fresh eighteen, plump as a partridge, ripe and melting and rosy-cheeked as one of her father’s peaches, and universally famed, not merely for her beauty, but her vast expectations. She was withal a little of a coquette, as might be perceived even in her dress, which was a mixture of ancient and modern fashions, as most suited to set off her charms. She wore the ornaments of pure yellow gold, which her great-great-grandmother had brought over from Saardam; the tempting stomacher of the olden time; and withal a provokingly short petticoat, to display the prettiest foot and ankle in the country around.

Ichabod Crane had a soft and foolish heart toward the sex; and it is not to be wondered at that so tempting a morsel soon found favor in his eyes, more especially after he had visited her in her paternal mansion. Old Baltus Van Tassel was a perfect picture of a thriving, contented, liberal-hearted farmer. He seldom, it is true, sent either his eyes or his thoughts beyond the boundaries of his own farm; but within those everything was snug, happy, and well-conditioned. He was satisfied with his wealth, but not proud of it; and piqued himself upon the hearty abundance, rather than the style in which he lived. His stronghold was situated on the banks of the Hudson, in one of those green, sheltered, fertile nooks, in which the Dutch farmers are so fond of nestling. A great elm tree spread its broad branches over it, at the foot of which bubbled up a spring of the softest and sweetest water, in a little well, formed of a barrel, and then stole sparkling away through the grass, to a neighboring brook that bubbled along among alders and dwarf willows. Hard by the farmhouse was a vast barn that might have served for a church; every window and crevice of which seemed bursting forth with the treasures of the farm; the flail was busily resounding within it from morning to night; swallows and martins skimmed twittering about the eaves; and rows of pigeons, some with one eye turned up, as if watching the weather, some with their heads under their wings, or buried in their bosoms, and others swelling, and cooing, and bowing about their dames, were enjoying the sunshine on the roof. Sleek unwieldy porkers were grunting in the repose and abundance of their pens; whence sallied forth, now and then, troops of sucking pigs, as if to snuff the air. A stately squadron of snowy geese were riding in an adjoining pond, convoying whole fleets of ducks; regiments of turkeys were gobbling through the farmyard, and guinea fowls fretting about it, like ill-tempered housewives, with their peevish discontented cry. Before the barn door strutted the gallant cock, that pattern of a husband, a warrior, and a fine gentleman, clapping his burnished wings and crowing in the pride and gladness of his heart— sometimes tearing up the earth with his feet, and then generously calling his ever-hungry family of wives and children to enjoy the rich morsel which he had discovered.

The pedagogue’s mouth watered as he looked upon this sumptuous promise of luxurious winter fare. In his devouring mind’s eye he pictured to himself every roasting pig running about with a pudding in his belly and an apple in his mouth; the pigeons were snugly put to bed in a comfortable pie, and tucked in with a coverlet of crust; the geese were swimming in their own gravy; and the ducks pairing cozily in dishes, like snug married couples, with a decent competency of onion sauce. In the porkers he saw carved out the future sleek side of bacon, and juicy relishing ham; not a turkey but he behold daintily trussed up, with its gizzard under its wing, and, peradventure, a necklace of savory sausages; and even bright chanticleer himself lay sprawling on his back, in a sidedish, with uplifted claws, as if craving that quarter which his chivalrous spirit disdained to ask while living.

As the enraptured Ichabod fancied all this, and as he rolled his great green eyes over the fat meadow lands, the rich fields of wheat, of rye, of buckwheat, and Indian corn, and the orchards burthened with ruddy fruit, which surrounded the warm tenement of Van Tassel, his heart yearned after the damsel who was to inherit these domains, and his imagination expanded with the idea how they might be readily turned into cash, and the money invested in immense tracts of wild land, and shingle palaces in the wilderness. Nay, his busy fancy already realized his hopes, and presented to him the blooming Katrina, with a whole family of children, mounted on the top of a wagon loaded with household trumpery, with pots and kettles dangling beneath; and he beheld himself bestriding a pacing mare, with a colt at her heels, setting out for Kentucky, Tennessee, or the Lord knows where.

When he entered the house the conquest of his heart was complete. It was one of those spacious farmhouses, with high-ridged, but lowly sloping roofs, built in the style handed down from the first Dutch settlers, the low projecting eaves forming a piazza along the front, capable of being closed up in bad weather. Under this were hung flails, harness, various utensils of husbandry, and nets for fishing in the neighboring river. Benches were built along the sides for summer use; and a great spinning wheel at one end, and a churn at the other, showed the various uses to which this important porch might be devoted. From this piazza the wondering Ichabod entered the hall, which formed the center of the mansion and the place of usual residence. Here, rows of resplendent pewter, ranged on a long dresser, dazzled his eyes. In one corner stood a huge bag of wool ready to be spun; in another a quantity of linsey-woolsey just from the loom; ears of Indian corn and strings of dried apples and peaches hung in gay festoons along the walls, mingled with the gaud of red peppers; and a door left ajar gave him a peep into the best parlor, where the claw-footed chairs and dark mahogany tables shone like mirrors; and irons, with their accompanying shovel and tongs, glistened from their covert of asparagus tops; mock oranges and conch shells decorated the mantelpiece; strings of various colored birds’ eggs were suspended above it; a great ostrich egg was hung from the center of the room, and a corner cupboard, knowingly left open, displayed immense treasures bf old silver and well-mended china.

From the moment Ichabod laid his eyes upon these regions of delight, the peace of his mind was at an end, and his only study was how to gain the affections of the peerless daughter of Van Tassel. In this enterprise, however, he had more real difficulties than generally fell to the lot of a knight-errant of yore, who seldom had anything but giants, enchanters, fiery dragons, and such like easily conquered adversaries to contend with; and had to make his way merely through gates of iron and brass, and walls of adamant, to the castle keep, where the lady of his heart was confined; all which he achieved as easily as a man would carve his way to the center of a Christmas pie; and then the lady gave him her hand as a matter of course. Ichabod, on the contrary, had to win his way to the heart of a country coquette, beset with a labyrinth of whims and caprices, which were forever presenting new difficulties and impediments; and he had to encounter a host of fearful adversaries of real flesh and blood, the numerous rustic admirers, who beset every portal to her heart, keeping a watchful and angry eye upon each other, but ready to fly out in the common cause against any new competitor.

Among these the most formidable was a burly, roaring, roystering blade, of the name of Abraham, or, according to the Dutch abbreviation, Brom Van Brunt, the hero of the country round, which rang with his feats of strength and hardihood. He was broad-shouldered and double-jointed, with short curly black hair, and a bluff but not unpleasant countenance, having a mingled air of fun and arrogance. From his Herculean frame and great powers of limb, he had received the nickname of BROM BONES, by which he was universally known. He was famed for great knowledge and skill in horsemanship, being as dexterous on horseback as a Tartar. He was foremost at all races and cockfights; and, with the ascendency which bodily strength acquires in rustic life, was the umpire in all disputes, setting his hat on one side and giving his decisions with an air and tone admitting of no gainsay or appeal. He was always ready for either a fight or a frolic; but had more mischief than ill will in his composition, and, with all his overbearing roughness, there was a strong dash of waggish good humor at bottom. He had three or four boon companions, who regarded him as their model and at the head of whom he scoured the country, attending every scene of feud or merriment for miles around. In cold weather he was distinguished by a fur cap, surmounted with a flaunting fox’s tail; and when the folks at a country gathering descried this well-known crest at a distance, whisking about among a squad of hard riders, they always stood by for a squall. Sometimes his crew would be heard dashing along past the farmhouses at midnight, with whoop and halloo, like a troop of Don Cossacks; and the old dames, startled out of their sleep, would listen for a moment till the hurry-scurry had clattered by, and then exclaim, “Ay, there goes Brom Bones and his gang!” The neighbors looked upon him with a mixture of awe, admiration, and good will; and when any madcap prank or rustic brawl occurred in the vicinity, always shook their heads and warranted Brom Bones was at the bottom of it.

This rantipole hero had for some time singled out the blooming Katrina for the object of his uncouth gallantries, and though his amorous toyings were something like the gentle caresses and endearments of a bear, yet it was whispered that she did not altogether discourage his hopes. Certain it is, his advances were signals for rival candidates to retire, who felt no inclination to cross a lion in his amours; insomuch, that when his horse was seen tied to Van Tassel’s paling, on a Sunday night, a sure sign that his master was courting, or, as it is termed, “sparking,” within, all other suitors passed by in despair, and carried the war into other quarters.

Such was the formidable rival with whom Ichabod Crane had to contend, and, considering all things, a stouter man than he would have shrunk from the competition, and a wiser man would have despaired. He had, however, a happy mixture of pliability and perseverance in his nature; he was in form and spirit like a supple jack—yielding, but tough; though he bent, he never broke; and though he bowed beneath the slightest pressure, yet, the moment it was away—jerk! he was as erect, and carried his head as high as ever.

To have taken the field openly against his rival would have been madness, for he was not a man to be thwarted in his amours, any more than that stormy lover Achilles. Ichabod, therefore, made his advances in a quiet and gently insinuating manner. Under cover of his character of singing master, he made frequent visits to the farmhouse; not that he had anything to apprehend from the meddlesome interference of parents, which is so often a stumbling block in the path of lovers. Bait Van Tassel was an easy indulgent soul; he loved his daughter better even than his pipe, and, like a reasonable man and an excellent father, let her have her way in everything. His notable little wife, too, had enough to do to attend to her housekeeping and manage her poultry; for, as she sagely observed, ducks and geese are foolish things, and must be looked after, but girls can take care of themselves. Thus while the busy dame bustled about the house, or plied her spinning wheel at one end of the piazza, honest Bait would sit smoking his evening pipe at the other, watching the achievements of a little wooden warrior, who, armed with a sword in each hand, was most valiantly fighting the wind on the pinnacle of the barn. In the meantime, Ichabod would carry on his suit with the daughter by the side of the spring under the great elm, or sauntering along in the twilight, that hour so favorable to the lover’s eloquence.

I profess not to know how women’s hearts are wooed and won. To me they have always been matters of riddle and admiration. Some seem to have but one vulnerable point, or door of access, while others have a thousand avenues, and may be captured in a thousand different ways. It is a great triumph of skill to gain the former, but a still greater proof of generalship to maintain possession of the latter, for the man must battle for his fortress at every door and window. He who wins a thousand common hearts is therefore entitled to some renown; but he who keeps undisputed sway over the heart of a coquette is indeed a hero. Certain it is, this was not the case with the redoubtable Brom Bones; and from the moment Ichabod Crane made his advances, the interests of the former evidently declined; his horse was no longer seen tied at the palings on Sunday nights, and a deadly feud gradually arose between him and the preceptor of Sleepy Hollow.

Brom, who had a degree of rough chivalry in his nature, would fain have carried matters to open warfare, and have settled their pretensions to the lady according to the mode of those most concise and simple reasoners, the knights-errant of yore—by single combat; but Ichabod was too conscious of the superior might of his adversary to enter the lists against him. He had overheard a boast of Bones that he would “double the schoolmaster up, and lay him on a shelf of his own schoolhouse,” and he was too wary to give him an opportunity. There was something extremely provoking in this obstinately pacific system; it left Brom no alternative but to draw upon the funds of rustic waggery in his disposition, and to play off boorish practical jokes upon his rival. Ichabod became the object of whimsical persecution to Bones and his gang of rough riders. They harried his hitherto peaceful domains; smoked out his singing school by stopping up the chimney; broke into the schoolhouse at night, in spite of its formidable fastenings of withe and window stakes, and turned everything topsy-turvy, so that the poor schoolmaster began to think all the witches in the country held their meetings there. But what was still more annoying, Brom took all opportunities of turning him into ridicule in presence of his mistress, and had a scoundrel dog whom he taught to whine in the most ludicrous manner, and introduced as a rival of Ichabod’s to instruct her in psalmody.

In this way matters went on for sometime, without producing any material effect on the relative situation of the contending powers. On a fine autumnal afternoon, Ichabod, in pensive mood, sat enthroned on the lofty stool whence he usually watched all the concerns of his little literary realm. In his hand he swayed a ferule, that scepter of despotic power; the birch of justice reposed on three nails, behind the throne, a constant terror to evil-doers; while on the desk before him might be seen sundry contraband articles and prohibited weapons, detected upon the persons of idle urchins, such as half-munched apples, popguns, whirligigs, fly cages, and whole legions of rampant little paper gamecocks. Apparently there had been some appalling act of justice recently inflicted, for his scholars were all busily intent upon their books, or slyly whispering behind them with one eye kept upon the master; and a kind of buzzing stillness reigned throughout the schoolroom. It was suddenly interrupted by the appearance of a Negro, in tow-cloth jacket and trousers, a round-crowned fragment of a hat, like the cap of Mercury, and mounted on the back of a ragged, wild, half-broken colt, which he managed with a rope by way of halter. He came clattering up to the school door with an invitation to Ichabod to attend a merrymaking or ”quilting frolic“ to be held that evening at Mynheer Van Tassel’s; and having delivered his message with that air of importance and effort at fine language which a Negro is apt to display on petty embassies of the kind, he dashed over the brook and was seen scampering away up the hollow, full of the importance and hurry of his mission.

All was now bustle and hubbub in the late quiet schoolroom. The scholars were hurried through their lessons, without stopping at trifles; those who were nimble skipped over half with impunity, and those who were tardy had a smart application now and then in the rear to quicken their speed or help them over a tall word. Books were flung aside without being put away on the shelves, ink-stands were overturned, benches thrown down, and the whole school was turned loose an hour before the usual time, bursting forth like a legion of young imps, yelping and racketing about the green, in joy at their early emancipation.

The gallant Ichabod now spent at least an extra half hour at his toilet, brushing and furbishing up his best and indeed only suit of rusty black, and arranging his looks by a bit of broken looking glass that hung up in the schoolhouse. That he might make his appearance before his mistress in the true style of a cavalier he borrowed a horse from the farmer with whom he was domiciliated, a choleric old Dutchman of the name of Hans Van Ripper, and, thus gallantly mounted, issued forth, like a knight-errant in quest of adventures. But it is meet I should, in the true spirit of romantic story, give some account of the looks and equipments of my hero and his steed. The animal he bestrode was a broken-down plow horse that had outlived almost everything but his viciousness. He was gaunt and shagged, with a ewe neck and a head like a hammer; his rusty mane and tail were tangled and knotted with burrs; one eye had lost its pupil and was glaring and spectral, but the other had the gleam of a genuine devil in it. Still he must have had fire and mettle in his day, if we may judge from the name he bore of Gunpowder. He had, in fact, been a favorite steed of his master’s, the choleric Van Ripper, who was a furious rider, and had infused, very probably, some of his own spirit into the animal, for, old and broken-down as he looked, there was more of the lurking devil in him than in any young filly in the country.

Ichabod was a suitable figure for such a steed. He rode with short stirrups, which brought his knees nearly up to the pommel of the saddle; his sharp elbows stuck out like grasshoppers’; he carried his whip perpendicularly in his hand, like a scepter, and, as his horse jogged on, the motion of his arms was not unlike the flapping of a pair of wings. A small wool hat rested on the top of his nose, for so his scanty strip of forehead might be called; and the skirts of his black coat fluttered out almost to the horse’s tail. Such was the appearance of Ichabod and his steed, as they shambled out of the gate of Hans Van Ripper, and it was altogether such an apparition as is seldom to be met with in broad daylight.

It was, as I have said, a fine autumnal day, the sky was clear and serene, and nature wore that rich and golden livery which we always associate with the idea of abundance. The forests had put on their sober brown and yellow, while some trees of the tenderer kind had been nipped by the frosts into brilliant dyes of orange, purple, and scarlet. Streaming files of wild ducks began to make their appearance high in the air; the bark of the squirrel might be heard from the groves of beech and hickory nuts, and the pensive whistle of the quail at intervals from the neighboring stubble field.

The small birds were taking their farewell banquets. In the fullness of their revelry, they fluttered, chirping and frolicking, from bush to bush, and tree to tree, capricious from the very profusion and variety around them. There was the honest cock robin, the favorite game of stripling sportsmen, with its loud querulous note; and the twittering blackbirds flying in sable clouds; and the goldenwinged woodpecker, with his crimson crest, his broad black gorget, and splendid plumage; and the cedar bird, with its red-tipped wings and yellow-tipped tail, and its little monteiro cap of feathers; and the blue jay, that noisy coxcomb, in his gay light-blue coat and white underclothes; screaming and chattering, nodding and bobbing and bowing, and pretending to be on good terms with every songster of the grove.

As Ichabod jogged slowly on his way, his eye, ever open to every symptom of culinary abundance, ranged with delight over the treasures of jolly autumn. On all sides he beheld vast store of apples, some hanging in oppressive opulence on the trees, some gathered into baskets and barrels for the market, others heaped up in rich piles for the cider press. Farther on he beheld great fields of Indian corn, with its golden ears peeping from their leafy coverts and holding out the promise of cakes and hasty pudding; and the yellow pumpkins lying beneath them, turning up their fair round bellies to the sun, and giving ample prospects of the most luxurious of pies; and anon he passed the fragrant buckwheat fields, breathing the odor of the beehive, and as he beheld them, soft anticipations stole over his mind of dainty slapjacks, well buttered and garnished with honey or treacle, by the delicate little dimpled hand of Katrina Van Tassel.

Thus feeding his mind with many sweet thoughts and “sugared suppositions,” he journeyed along the sides of a range of hills which look out upon some of the goodliest scenes of the mighty Hudson. The sun gradually wheeled his broad disk down into the west. The wide bosom of the Tappan Zee lay motionless and glassy, excepting that here and there a gentle undulation waved and prolonged the blue shadow of the distant mountain. A few amber clouds floated in the sky, without a breath of air to move them. The horizon was of a fine golden tint, changing gradually into a pure apple green, and from that into the deep blue of the mid-heaven. A slanting ray lingered on the woody crests of the precipices that overhung some parts of the river, giving greater depth to the dark-gray and purple of their rocky sides. A sloop was loitering in the distance, dropping slowly down with the tide, her sail hanging uselessly against the mast; and as the reflection of the sky gleamed along the still water, it seemed as if the vessel was suspended in the air.

It was toward evening that Ichabod arrived at the castle of the Heer Van Tassel, which he found thronged with the pride and flower of the adjacent country. Old farmers, a spare leathernfaced race, in homespun coats and breeches, blue stockings, huge shoes, and magnificent pewter buckles. Their brisk withered little dames, in closecrimped caps, long-waisted short gowns, homespun petticoats, with scissors and pincushions and gay calico pockets hanging on the outside. Buxom lasses, almost as antiquated as their mothers, excepting where a straw hat, a fine ribbon, or perhaps a white frock gave symptoms of city innovation. The sons, in short square-skirted coats with rows of stupendous brass buttons, and their hair generally queued in the fashion of the times, especially if they could procure an eel skin for the purpose, it being esteemed throughout the country as a potent nourisher and strengthener of the hair.

Brom Bones, however, was the hero of the scene, having come to the gathering on his favorite steed Dare-devil, creature, like himself, full of mettle and mischief, and which no one but himself could manage. He was, in fact, noted for preferring vicious animals, given to all kinds of tricks, which kept the rider in constant risk of his neck, for he held a tractable well-broken horse as unworthy of a lad of spirit.

Fain would I pause to dwell upon the world of charms that burst upon the enraptured gaze of my hero as he entered the state parlor of Van Tassel’s mansion. Not those of the bevy of buxom lasses, with their luxurious display of red and white, but the ample charms of a genuine Dutch country tea table, in the sumptuous time of autumn. Such heaped-up platters of cakes of various and almost indescribable kinds, known only to experienced Dutch housewives! There was the doughty doughnut, the tenderer oly koek, and the crisp and crumbling cruller; sweet cakes and shortcakes, ginger cakes and honey cakes, and the whole family of cakes. And then there were apple pies and peach pies and pumpkin pies; besides slices of ham and smoked beef; and moreover delectable dishes of preserved plums, and peaches, and pears, and quinces; not to mention broiled shad and roasted chickens; together with bowls of milk and cream, all mingled higgledy-piggledy, pretty much as I have enumerated them, with the motherly teapot sending up its clouds of vapor from the midst—Heaven bless the mark! I want breath and time to discuss this banquet as it deserves, and am too eager to get on with my story. Happily, Ichabod Crane was not in so great a hurry as his historian, but did ample justice to every dainty.

He was a kind and thankful creature whose heart dilated in proportion as his skin was filled with good cheer, and whose spirits rose with eating as some men’s do with drink. He could not help, too, rolling his large eyes around him as he ate, and chuckling with the possibility that he might one day be lord of all this scene of almost unimaginable luxury and splendor. Then, he thought, how soon he’d turn his back upon the old schoolhouse; snap his fingers in the face of Hans Van Ripper, and every other niggardly patron, and kick any itinerant pedagogue out of doors that should dare to call him comrade!

Old Baltus Van Tassel moved about among his guests with a face dilated with content and good humor, round and jolly as the harvest moon. His hospitable attentions were brief, but expressive, being confined to a shake of the hand, a slap on the shoulder, a loud laugh, and a pressing invitation to “fall to, and help themselves.”

And now the sound of the music from the common room, or hall, summoned to the dance. The musician was an old gray-headed Negro, who had been the itinerant orchestra of the neighborhood for more than half a century. His instrument was as old and battered as himself. The greater part of the time he scraped on two or three strings, accompanying every movement of the bow with a motion of the head; bowing almost to the ground and stamping with his foot whenever a fresh couple were to start.

Ichabod prided himself upon his dancing as much as upon his vocal powers. Not a limb, not a fiber about him was idle; and to have seen his loosely hung frame in full motion, and clattering about the room, you would have thought Saint Vitus himself, that blessed patron of the dance, was figuring before you in person. He was the admiration of all the Negroes, who, having gathered, of alt ages and sizes, from the farm and the neighborhood, stood forming a pyramid of shining black faces at every door and window, gazing with delight at the scene, rolling their white eyeballs, and showing grinning rows of ivory from ear to ear. How could the flogger of urchins be otherwise than animated and joyous? The lady of his heart was his partner in the dance, and smiling graciously in reply to all his amorous oglings, while Brom Bones, sorely smitten with love and jealousy, sat brooding by himself in one corner.

When the dance was at an end, Ichabod was attracted to a knot of the sager folks, who, with old Van Tassel, sat smoking at one end of the piazza, gossiping over former times, and drawing out long stories about the war.

This neighborhood, at the time of which I am speaking, was one of those highly favored places which abound with chronicle and great men. The British and American line had run near it during the war; it had, therefore, been the scene of marauding, and infested with refugees, cowboys, and all kinds of border chivalry. Just sufficient time had elapsed to enable each storyteller to dress up his tale with a little becoming fiction, and, in the indistinctness of his recollection, to make himself the hero of every exploit.

There was the story of Doffiie Martling, a large blue-bearded Dutchman, who had nearly taken a British frigate with an old iron nine-pounder from a mud breastwork, only that his gun burst at the sixth discharge. And there was an old gentleman who shall be nameless, being too rich a mynheer to be lightly mentioned, who, in the Battle of White Plains, being an excellent master of defense, parried a musket ball with a small sword, insomuch that he absolutely felt it whiz around the blade and glance off at the hilt, in proof of which he was ready at any time to show the sword, with the hilt a little bent. There were several more that had been equally great in the field, not one of whom but was persuaded that he had a considerable hand in bringing the war to a happy termination.

But all these were nothing to the tales of ghosts and apparitions that succeeded. The neighborhood is rich in legendary treasures of the kind. Local tales and superstitions thrive best in these sheltered long-settled retreats, but are trampled under foot by the shifting throng that forms the population of most of our country places. Besides, there is no encouragement for ghosts in most of our villages, for they have scarcely had time to finish their first nap and turn themselves in their graves before their surviving friends have traveled away from the neighborhood; so that when they turn out at night to walk their rounds they have no acquaintance left to call upon. This is perhaps the reason why we so seldom hear of ghosts except in our long-established Dutch communities.

The immediate cause, however, of the prevalence of supernatural stories in these parts was doubtless owing to the vicinity of Sleepy Hollow. There was a contagion in the very air that blew from that haunted region; it breathed forth an atmosphere of dreams and fancies infecting all the land. Several of the Sleepy Hollow people were present at Van Tassel’s, and, as usual, were doling out their wild and wonderful legends. Many dismal tales were told about funeral trains, and mourning cries and wailings heard and seen about the great tree where the unfortunate Major Andre was taken, and which stood in the neighborhood. Some mention was made also of the woman in white that haunted the dark glen at Raven Rock, and was often heard to shriek on winter nights before a storm, having perished there in the snow. The chief part of the stories, however, turned upon the favorite specter of Sleepy Hollow, the headless horseman, who had been heard several times of late, patrolling the country, and, it was said, tethered his horse nightly among the graves in the churchyard.

The sequestered situation of this church seems always to have made it a favorite haunt of troubled spirits. It stands on a knoll, surrounded by locust trees and lofty elms, from among which its decent whitewashed walls shine modestly forth, like Christian purity beaming through the shades of retirement. A gentle slope descends from it to a silver sheet of water, bordered by high trees, between which peeps may be caught at the blue hills of the Hudson. To look upon its grass-grown yard, where the sunbeams seem to sleep so quietly, one would think that there at least the dead might rest in peace. On one side of the church extends a wide woody dell, along which raves a large brook among broken rocks and trunks of fallen trees. Over a deep black part of the stream, not far from the church, was formerly thrown a wooden bridge; the road that led to it, and the bridge itself, were thickly shaded by overhanging trees, which cast a gloom about it, even in the daytime, but occasioned a fearful darkness at night. This was one of the favorite haunts of the headless horseman, and the place where he was most frequently encountered. The tale was told of old Brouwer, a most heretical disbeliever in ghosts, how he met the horseman returning from his foray into Sleepy Hollow, and was obliged to get up behind him; how they galloped over bush and brake, over hill and swamp, until they reached the bridge, when the horseman suddenly turned into a skeleton, threw old Brouwer into the brook, and sprang away over the treetops with a clap of thunder.

This story was immediately matched by a thrice marvelous adventure of Brom Bones, who made light of the galloping Hessian as an arrant jockey. He affirmed that, on returning one night from the neighboring village of Sing Sing, he had been overtaken by this midnight trooper; that he had offered to race with him for a bowl of punch, and should have won it too, for Daredevil beat the goblin horse all hollow, but, just as they came to the church bridge, the Hessian bolted and vanished in a flash of fire.

All these tales, told in that drowsy undertone with which men talk in the dark, the countenances of the listeners only now and then receiving a casual gleam from the glare of a pipe, sank deep in the mind of Ichabod. He repaid them in kind with large extracts from his invaluable author, Cotton Mather, and added many marvelous events that had taken place in his native State of Connecticut, and fearful sights which he had seen in his nightly walks about Sleepy Hollow. The revel now gradually broke up. The old farmers gathered together their families in their wagons, and were heard for some time rattling along the hollow roads and over the distant hills. Some of the damsels mounted on pillions behind their favorite swains, and their lighthearted laughter, mingling with the clatter of hoofs, echoed along the silent woodlands, sounding fainter and fainter until they gradually died away—and the late scene of noise and frolic was all silent and deserted. Ichabod only lingered behind, according to the custom of country lovers, to have a tete-a-tete with the heiress, fully convinced that he was now on the high road to success. What passed at this interview I will not pretend to say, for in fact I do not know. Something, however, I fear me, must have gone wrong, for he certainly sallied forth, after no very great interval, with an air quite desolate and chopfallen. Oh these women! these women! Could that girl have been playing off any of her coquettish tricks? Was her encouragement of the poor pedagogue all a mere sham to secure her conquest of his rival? Heaven only knows, not I! Let it suffice to say, Ichabod stole forth with the air of one who had been sacking a hen roost rather than a fair lady’s heart. Without looking to the right or left to notice the scene of rural wealth, on which he had so often gloated, he went straight to the stable, and with several hearty cuffs and kicks roused his steed most uncourteously from the comfortable quarters in which he was soundly sleeping, dreaming of mountains of corn and oats, and whole valleys of timothy and clover.

It was the very witching time of night that Ichabod, heavy-hearted and crestfallen, pursued his travel homeward, along the sides of the lofty hills which rise above Tarry Town, and which he had traversed so cheerily in the afternoon. The hour was as dismal as himself. Far below him, the Tappan Zee spread its dusky and indistinct waste of waters, with here and there the tall mast of a sloop, riding quietly at anchor under the land. In the dead hush of midnight he could even hear the barking of the watchdog from the opposite shore of the Hudson, but it was so vague and faint as only to give an idea of his distance from this faithful companion of man. Now and then, too, the long-drawn crowing of a cock, accidentally awakened, would sound far, far off, from some farmhouse away among the hills—but it was like a dreaming sound in his ear. No signs of life occurred near him, but occasionally the melancholy chirp of a cricket, or perhaps the guttural twang of a bullfrog, from a neighboring marsh, as if sleeping uncomfortably and turning suddenly in his bed.

All the stories of ghosts and goblins that he had heard in the afternoon now came crowding upon his recollection. The night grew darker and darker; the stars seemed to sink deeper in the sky, and driving clouds occasionally hid them from his sight. He had never felt so lonely and dismal. He was, moreover, approaching the very place where many of the scenes of the ghost stories had been laid. In the center of the road stood an enormous tulip tree, which towered like a giant above all the other trees of the neighborhood and formed a kind of landmark. Its limbs were gnarled and fantastic, large enough to form trunks for ordinary trees, twisting down almost to the earth and rising again into the air. It was connected with the tragical story of the unfortunate Andre, who had been taken prisoner hard by; and was universally known by the name of Major Andre’s tree. The common people regarded it with a mixture of respect and superstition, partly out of sympathy for the fate of its ill-starred namesake, and partly from the tales of strange sights and doleful lamentations told concerning it.

As Ichabod approached this fearful tree, he began to whistle; he thought his whistle was answered—it was but a blast sweeping sharply through the dry branches. As he approached a little nearer, he thought he saw something white hanging in the midst of the tree—he paused and ceased whistling; but on looking more narrowly, perceived that it was a place where the tree had been scathed by lightning and the white wood laid bare. Suddenly he heard a groan— his teeth chattered and his knees smote against the saddle; it was but the rubbing of one huge bough upon another as they were swayed about by the breeze. He passed the tree in safety, but new perils lay before him.

About two hundred yards from the tree a small brook crossed the road and ran into a marshy and thickly wooded glen, known by the name of Wiley’s swamp. A few rough logs, laid side by side, served for a bridge over this stream. On that side of the road where the brook entered the wood, a group of oaks and chestnuts, matted thick with wild grapevines, threw a cavernous gloom over it. To pass this bridge was the severest trial. It was at this identical spot that the unfortunate Andre was captured, and under the covert of those chestnuts and vines were the sturdy yeomen concealed who surprised him. This has ever since been considered a haunted stream, and fearful are the feelings of the schoolboy who has to pass it alone after dark.

As he approached the stream his heart began to thump; he summoned up, however, all his resolution, gave his horse half a score of kicks in the ribs, and attempted to dash briskly across the bridge; but instead of starting forward, the perverse old animal made a lateral movement and ran broadside against the fence. Ichabod, whose fears increased with the delay, jerked the reins on the other side, and kicked lustily with the contrary foot; it was all in vain; his steed started, it is true, but it was only to plunge to the opposite side of the road into a thicket of brambles and alder bushes. The schoolmaster now bestowed both whip and heel upon the starveling ribs of old Gunpowder, who dashed forward, snuffling and snorting, but came to a stand just by the bridge with a suddenness that had nearly sent his rider sprawling over his head. Just at this moment a plashy tramp by the side of the bridge caught the sensitive ear of Ichabod. In the dark shadow of the grove, on the margin of the brook, he beheld something huge, misshapen, black and towering. It stirred not, but seemed gathered up in the gloom, like some gigantic monster ready to spring upon the traveler.

The hair of the affrighted pedagogue rose upon his head with terror. What was to be done? To turn and fly was now too late; and besides, what chance was there of escaping ghost or goblin, if such it was, which could ride upon the wings of the wind? Summoning up, therefore, a show of courage, he demanded in stammering accents—“Who are you?” He received no reply. He repeated his demand in a still more agitated voice. Still there was no answer. Once more he cudgeled the sides of the inflexible Gunpowder, and, shutting his eyes, broke forth with involuntary fervor into a psalm tune. Just then the shadowy object of alarm put itself in motion, and, with a scramble and a bound, stood at once in the middle of the road. Though the night was dark and dismal, yet the form of the unknown might now in some degree be ascertained. He appeared to be a horseman of large dimensions, and mounted on a black horse of powerful frame. He made no offer of molestation or sociability, but kept aloof on one side of the road, jogging along on the blind side of old Gunpowder, who had now got over his fright and waywardness.

Ichabod, who had no relish for this strange midnight companion, and bethought himself of the adventure of Brom Bones with the Galloping Hessian, now quickened his steed, in hopes of leaving him behind. The stranger, however, quickened his horse to an equal pace. Ichabod pulled up, and fell into a walk, thinking to lag behind—the other did the same. His heart began to sink within him; he endeavored to resume his psalm tune, but his parched tongue clove to the roof of his mouth, and he could not utter a stave. There was something in the moody and dogged silence of this pertinacious companion that was mysterious and appalling. It was soon fearfully accounted for. On mounting a rising ground, which brought the figure of his fellow-traveler in relief against the sky, gigantic in height, and muffled in a cloak, Ichabod was horror-struck on perceiving that he was headless! But his horror was still more increased on observing that the head, which should have rested on his shoulders, was carried before him on the pommel of the saddle. His terror rose to desperation; he rained a shower of kicks and blows upon Gunpowder, hoping, by a sudden movement, to give his companion the slip—but the specter started full jump with him. Away then they dashed, through thick and thin, stones flying and sparks flashing at every bound. Ichabod’s flimsy garments fluttered in the air as he stretched his long lank body away over his horse’s head, in the eagerness of his flight.

They had now reached the road which turns off to Sleepy Hollow; but Gunpowder, who seemed possessed with a demon, instead of keeping up it, made an opposite turn, and plunged headlong downhill to the left. This road leads through a sandy hollow, shaded by trees for about a quarter of a mile, where it crosses the bridge famous in goblin story, and just beyond swells the green knoll on which stands the whitewashed church.

As yet the panic of the steed had given his unskillful rider an apparent advantage in the chase; but just as he had got halfway through the hollow, the girths of the saddle gave way, and he felt it slipping from under him. He seized it by the pommel and endeavored to hold it firm, but in vain; and had just time to save himself by clasping old Gunpowder around the neck when the saddle fell to the earth, and he heard it trampled under foot by his pursuer. For a moment the terror of Hans Van Ripper’s wrath passed across his mind—for it was his Sunday saddle; but this was no time for petty fears; the goblin was hard on his haunches, and (unskillful rider that he was!) he had much ado to maintain his seat, sometimes slipping on one side, sometimes on the other, and sometimes jolted on the high ridge of his horse’s backbone with a violence that he verily feared would cleave him asunder.

An opening in the trees now cheered him with the hopes that the church bridge was at hand. The wavering reflection of a silver star in the bosom of the brook told him that he was not mistaken. He saw the walls of the church dimly glaring under the trees beyond. He recollected the place where Brom Bones’s ghostly competitor had disappeared. “If I can but reach that bridge,” thought Ichabod, “I am safe.” Just then he heard the black steed panting and blowing close behind him; he even fancied that he felt his hot breath. Another convulsive kick in the ribs and old Gunpowder sprang upon the bridge; he thundered over the resounding planks; he gained the opposite side; and now Ichabod cast a look behind to see if his pursuer should vanish, according to rule, in a flash of fire and brimstone. Just then he saw the goblin rising in his stirrups, and in the very act of hurling his head at him. Ichabod endeavored to dodge the horrible missile, but too late. It encountered his cranium with a tremendous crash— he was tumbled headlong into the dust, and Gunpowder, the black steed, and the goblin rider, passed by like a whirlwind.

The next morning the old horse was found without his saddle, and with the bridle under his feet, soberly cropping the grass at his master’s gate. Ichabod did not make his appearance at breakfast—dinner hour came, but no Ichabod. The boys assembled at the schoolhouse, and strolled idly about the banks of the brook; but no schoolmaster. Hans Van Ripper now began to feel some uneasiness about the fate of poor Ichabod, and his saddle. An inquiry was set on foot, and after diligent investigation they came upon his traces. In one part of the road leading to the church was found the saddle trampled in the dirt; the tracks of horses’ hoofs deeply dented in the road, and evidently at furious speed, were traced to the bridge, beyond which, on the bank of a broad part of the brook, where the water ran deep and black, was found the hat of the unfortunate Ichabod, and close beside it a shattered pumpkin.

The brook was searched, but the body of the schoolmaster was not to be discovered. Hans Van Ripper, as executor of his estate, examined the bundle which contained all his worldly effects. They consisted of two shirts and a half, two stocks for the neck, a pair or two of worsted stockings, an old pair of corduroy small clothes, a rusty razor, a book of psalm tunes full of dogs’ ears, and a broken pitchpipe. As to the books and furniture of the schoolhouse, they belonged to the community, excepting Cotton Mather’s History of Witchcraft, a New England Almanac, and a book of dreams and fortune-telling; in which last was a sheet of foolscap much scribbled and blotted in several fruitless attempts to make a copy of verses in honor of the heiress of Van Tassel. These magic books and the poetic scrawl were forthwith consigned to the flames by Hans Van Ripper, who from that time forward determined to send his children no more to school, observing that he never knew any good come of this same reading and writing. Whatever money the schoolmaster possessed, and he had received his quarter’s pay but a day or two before, he must have had about his person at the time of his disappearance.

The mysterious event caused much speculation at the church on the following Sunday. Knots of gazers and gossips were collected in the churchyard, at the bridge, and at the spot where the hat and pumpkin had been found. The stories of Brouwer, of Bones, and a whole budget of others were called to mind; and when they had diligently considered them all and compared them with the symptoms of the present case, they shook their heads and came to the conclusion that Ichabod had been carried off by the galloping Hessian. As he was a bachelor and in nobody’s debt, nobody troubled his head any more about him. The school was removed to a different quarter of the hollow, and another pedagogue reigned in his stead.

It is true an old farmer, who had been down to New York on a visit several years after, and from whom this account of the ghostly adventure was received, brought home the intelligence that Ichabod Crane was still alive; that he had left the neighborhood, partly through fear of the goblin and Hans Van Ripper, and partly in mortification at having been suddenly dismissed by the heiress; that he had changed his quarters to a distant part of the country, had kept school and studied law at die same time, had been admitted to the bar, turned politician electioneered, written for the newspapers, and finally had been made a justice of the Ten Pound Court. Brom Bones too, who shortly after his rival’s disappearance conducted the blooming Katrina in triumph to the altar, was observed to look exceedingly knowing whenever the story of Ichabod was related, and always burst into a hearty laugh at the mention of the pumpkin, which led some to suspect that he knew more about the matter than he chose to tell.

The old country wives, however, who are the best judges of these matters, maintain to this day that Ichabod was spirited away by supernatural means; and it is a favorite story often told about the neighborhood around the winter evening fire. The bridge became more than ever an object of superstitious awe, and that may be the reason why the road has been altered of late years, so as to approach the church by the border of the millpond. The schoolhouse, being deserted, soon fell to decay, and was reported to be haunted by the ghost of the unfortunate pedagogue; and the plowboy, loitering homeward of a still summer evening, has often fancied his voice at a distance, chanting a melancholy psalm tune among the tranquil solitudes of Sleepy Hollow.

POSTSCRIPT

FOUND IN THE HANDWRITING OF
MR. KNICKERBOCKER

THE PRECEDING TALE is given, almost in the precise words in which I heard it related at a Corporation meeting of the ancient city of Manhattoes, at which were present many of its sagest and most illustrious burghers. The narrator was a pleasant, shabby, gentlemanly old fellow, in pepper-and-salt clothes, with a sadly humorous face, and one whom I strongly suspected of being poor—he made such efforts to be entertaining. When his story was concluded, there was much laughter and approbation, particularly from two or three deputy aldermen, who had been asleep a greater part of the time. There was, however, one tall, dry-looking old gentleman with beetling eyebrows, who maintained a grave and rather severe face throughout, now and then folding his arms, inclining his head, and looking down upon the floor, as if turning a doubt over in his mind. He was one of your wary men, who never laugh but upon good grounds—when they have reason and the law on their side. When the mirth of the rest of the company had subsided and silence was restored, he leaned one arm on the elbow of his chair, and, sticking the other akimbo, demanded, with a slight but exceedingly sage motion of the head, and contraction of the brow, what was the moral of the story, and what it went to prove?

The storyteller, who was just putting a glass of wine to his lips as a refreshment after his toils, paused for a moment, looked at his inquirer with an air of infinite deference, and, lowering the glass slowly to the table, observed that the story was intended most logically to prove:

“That there is no situation in life but has its advantages and pleasures—provided we will but take a joke as we find it.

“That, therefore, he that runs races with goblin troopers is likely to have rough riding of it.

“Ergo, for a country schoolmaster to be refused the hand of a Dutch heiress is a certain step to high preferment in the state.”

The cautious old gentleman knit his brows tenfold closer after this explanation, being sorely puzzled by the ratiocination of the syllogism; while, methought, the one in pepper-and-salt eyed him with something of a triumphant leer. At length, he observed, that all this was very well, but still he thought the story a little on the extravagant—there were one or two points on which he had his doubts.

“Faith, sir,” replied the storyteller, “as to that matter, I don’t believe one-half of it myself.”

—D.K.

 

Legend of Sleepy Hollow art by Greg Manchess

Cosplaying the Stormlight Archive: Szeth, Hoid, Veil, and Shardplate

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Greetings, fellow Stormlight fans and cosplay aficionados! After a bit of a hiatus we’re back with part two of the “Cosplaying the Stormlight Archive” series, this time featuring Szeth, Veil (Shallan’s alter-ego), Hoid, and—for the truly committed—full suits of Shardplate and Shardblades! Most of these costumes actually have canon artwork featured in the books, so we can get a little more technical about the particulars (and I won’t have to supply as many in-book sources). If you missed part one (Alethi uniforms and the Havah) you can reference it here.

Without further ado, let’s begin with everyone’s favorite assassin in white—Ezio Auditore! No wait. I mean… Szeth!

 

SZETH

Szeth son-son-Vallano gets a specific entry all to himself, as the clothes he wears aren’t typical of the Shin. The Parshendi require him to wear his white assassin’s outfit while he’s working for them, and Teravangian instructed him to continue wearing it once his oath-stone was passed on.

The figure had flowing white clothing: filmy trousers and an overshirt that rippled with each step. Words of Radiance (p. 373).

Thankfully we have this lovely canonical artwork by Ben McSweeney for Szeth, so we don’t have to rely so much on written descriptions! The biggest thing to remember, of course, is to use white fabric. His clothes appear to be cotton or linen—the fabric appears quite thin and has a nice flow, though you could use a lighter weight fabric to get that “filmy” effect.

The trousers are pretty generic, you could use any pajama pant pattern for them, or go a little more complicated with a 17th century slops pattern.

It looks as if he’s wearing a doublet (with or without sleeves, who knows) under a jacket which is worn open, and those little overlapping shoulder-capes—like the ones you’d find on a modern duster—are attached to the jacket.

So if we’re going with that theory, his doublet is fairly simple—the renaissance doublet I linked to in the previous article for the bridgemans’ outfits would work nicely here, just use the longer one… and maybe add a collar. This one (the blue jacket) could also work. If you’d rather go for a more historically “accurate” pattern (I use the term accurate loosely since let’s face it, this is another world and anything “accurate” here may not be in Roshar), try this Turkish Gentleman’s one from Reconstructing History. Szeth’s doublet looks as if it’s buttoned up the front like a modern men’s dress shirt—you could feasibly alter one for this purpose if you don’t want to make it all from scratch. Just buy some matching white fabric and extend the bottom.

As for his jacket/duster with shoulder capes, you can use any of the above patterns (the Turkish one would work best I think) and just add the capes—if you’re not confident in your skills to make those capes without a pattern, the black cloak of this Jedi pattern would work with some alterations. Same goes for this 18th century men’s cloak. Alternatively, you could go for a proper duster pattern like Butterick 3830 or Simplicity 4916 (if you can find it). If you’d rather try to alter an existing piece of clothing, try to find a white duster and remove some of the chest sections so it remains open in front.

His belt is beautiful, and I’d wager a guess that it’s made of leather. The buckle on the front will probably need to be crafted, as finding a buckle that large will be difficult (though not impossible). Making it out of craft/EVA foam is one option. For a more sturdy buckle, worbla would work nicely, though it’ll be more costly. See the section on Shardplate below for more information on working with EVA foam or worbla. If you really want to go all-out, make yourself a version out of clay and then mold/cast it in plastic or metal!

The rest of the belt doesn’t look too terribly complicated. A nice piece of belly leather and some dye will be all you’ll really need (though an edge beveler and edge slicker should really be used to round the edges, if you’ve got access to them or the disposable income to buy them). I’d use a stitching groover and maybe put in some stitching to create that nice channel along the edge, it just makes everything look more finished and nice!

If you’re not keen to drop a hundred bucks or so on leather and leatherworking tools (and who could blame you, really) you could create a very nice, simple version with pleather and maybe some craft interfacing if it’s not thick enough.

As for the shoes, they look like simple slip-on loafers.

Sadly I have no photos of cosplayers who have attempted Szeth’s costume. If you have one, feel free to drop a photo in the comments, I’d love to see!

 

WIT/HOID

Hoid gets his own section, as the King’s Wit uniform is unique in color if not design. This lovely fanart by Botanica Xu matches the written descriptions quite well.

Hoid by Botanica Xu. Used with permission.

“He wore a stiff black coat and black trousers, a color matched by his deep onyx hair. Though he wore a long, thin sword tied to his waist, as far as Adolin knew, the man had never drawn it. A dueling foil rather than a military blade, it was mostly symbolic.” The Way of Kings (p. 197).

Josh Walker as Hoid

For Hoid’s Wit persona, I’d reference the Alethi uniform section of the previous article and make it in black instead of blue, with no glyphs. It’s a good bet that it’s a double-breasted jacket buttoned up both sides like the other Alethi uniforms. His hair color is a tricky thing—he’s got white hair in most of his other Cosmere appearances, but black here on Roshar. Another staple of any good Hoid cosplay is an ever-present smirk (As Josh is displaying above) and a hatful of witty insults to toss about.

 

TYN/VEIL

I’m combining Tyn and Veil here since Shallan steals her clothes, and models her Veil persona at least somewhat after Tyn. The outfit is described as a stiff white leather coat that goes down to the top of her boots, tied at the waist with a thick black hogshide belt so the jacket is mostly closed in front (Words of Radiance p. 280, 484). She’s also described as wearing “loose brown trousers, a white buttoned shirt, and a thin glove on her safehand.” (p. 484). Her hair is changed via lightweaving illusion to be dark instead of red (p. 482) and her safehand glove is tan (p. 273).

So from this, we can glean a few pieces of information (in addition to the lovely artwork above): Brown trousers and white leather coat, tan glove, brown hat with a narrow brim. In the illustration she’s also got calf-height boots and a scarf, and we can see that the jacket pins back in a style similar to that used in historical frock coats (to make riding horses easier).

Deana Whitney as Veil

Deana says of her Veil costume:

The coat is based on McCall’s M7374, though I had to modify the collar. The lining is made of the primary fabric for the two front panels, which is a duck cloth canvas made a little more water resistant with scotch guard. The button holes along the bottom hem make the pin-back possible.

Shirt is a simple wrap linen shirt with hidden snaps on the side, but frogs for the collar line closure. Based on the image, high boots were called for. The Ugs were the only ones I had—good for the cold Shattered Plains. For the hat, I used a straw western style one with the sides sewn into place. My husband made me the belt with a simple blank. It has a standard buckle, but I did not have him punch any holes so that it would “tie” better in a different manner.

Pattern is embroidered on the jacket using a stem stitch and couching technique with DMC embroidery floss and Pearl cotton. A five-strand braid rings the design, which is a simplified version of the illustration from Words of Radiance.

Much like Szeth’s overcoat, if you can find a white duster, it would work very well for this outfit. Add a couple buttons on the back and buttonholes on the bottom corners of the front and you’ve got your pin-backs. A dark leather belt worn outside of the coat, white dress shirt (or blouse), dark pants, a hat and a safehand glove would complete this ensemble quite nicely. This is one of the few costumes in the Stormlight Archive that could be achieved very easily via “found-item” costuming as opposed to making everything from scratch. Most of these items are easily attainable at any second-hand store—though you might have trouble hunting down a white duster/overcoat.

 

Shardplate

So you REALLY want a challenge, huh? There are several ways to approach this, ranging from relatively cheap and labor-light (cardboard or EVA foam methods), intermediate level (worbla builds), to extremely complicated and laborious (pepakura followed by fiberglass/bondo application, 3D printing, casting plastics, casting fiberglass). If you don’t already have experience in one of these advanced methods I’d say begin with the EVA foam ones. They’ll be the least hazardous to your health, friendliest to your wallet, and easiest to wear. But no matter what, this is going to be a lot more work and a bigger time commitment than most of the other cosplays listed above. “Beginner” is a bit of a misnomer here, because even the easiest of armor builds requires a higher level of skill and time than most other costumes (unless you’re really going all out and making giant poofy dresses with tons of layers and embroidery and such). Be aware of this going in.

Another thing to keep in mind is that there’s no way to be 100% accurate on this one. Shardplate is described as interlocking panels of armor with no gaps between, somewhat like Iron Man’s armor.

…he wore glistening blue armor made of smoothly interlocking plates. Unlike common plate armor, however, this armor had no leather or mail visible at the joints—just smaller plates, fitting together with intricate precision. The armor was beautiful, the blue inlaid with golden bands around the edges of each piece of plate, the helm ornamented with three waves of small, hornlike wings. The Way of Kings (p. 29).

“…there was no mesh of steel mail and no leather straps at the joints. Shardplate seams were made of smaller plates, interlocking, overlapping, incredibly intricate, leaving no vulnerable gaps. There was very little rubbing or chafing; each piece fit together perfectly…” The Way of Kings (p. 372).

Since most of us don’t have the budget of a Marvel film, this is nearly impossible to achieve—so do the best you can and “fill in” any gaps with fabric or small pieces of craft foam to achieve that carapace-like look. If you’re feeling really ambitious, you can incorporate light into your Shardplate as well, to make it glow like the Knights Radiant of old (or to show through the cracks of a “damaged” piece).

I can imagine what some of you are thinking right now…

“Jeez, Lyn, you just threw a lot of weird words and terms at me. Worbla? Bondo? Pepa-whatsits? What the heck is this stuff?” Fear not, dear cosplayer, I’ll explain all of that in the sections below… but first, a few notes on specific individuals’ suits of Shardplate.

  • Gavilar’s Shardplate is described above; blue inlaid with gold bands around the edges and a helm with three waves of hornlike wings.
  • Sadeas’s Shardplate in Way of Kings is described as being ornate and burnished red, with an open helm The Way of Kings (p.104).
  • Elhokar and Shallan’s brother Helaran’s are golden. When Amaram takes Helaran’s Plate from Kaladin, he appears to keep it gold Words of Radiance (p. 924).
  • Adolin’s is “painted blue, a few ornamentations welded onto the helm and pauldrons to give an extra look of danger” The Way of Kings (p. 184).
  • “Only one Shardbearer in the entirety of the ten armies used no paint or ornamentations on his Plate. Dalinar Kholin. Adolin’s father preferred to leave his armor its natural slate-grey color” and “the gorget of his armor was tall and thick, rising like a metal collar up to his chin.” The Way of Kings (p. 184, 408). When Renarin takes over his father’s Plate, he doesn’t paint it, so it should look the same Words of Radiance (p.240).
  • Eshonai’s Plate is gleaming silver, her cape red The Way of Kings (p. 930). In Words of Radiance, Eshonai’s Plate is described as having “peaked joints, ridges rising like the points on a crab’s shell” (p. 329).
  • Moash repaints his Shardplate “…blue with red accents at the points…” Words of Radiance (p. 807).
  • As for minor characters, Erraniv, one of the brightlords Adolin duels, has Plate in “its natural color except across the breastplate, which he’d painted a deep black” Words of Radiance (p. 350). Relis, another of Adolin’s duel opponents, wears Plate “colored completely a deep black, breakaway cloak bearing his father’s glyphpair” Words of Radiance (p. 658). Abrobadar wears orange, and Jakamov green (p. 658, 659). Brightlord Resi’s plate is yellow in The Way of Kings (p. 822). Highlord Teleb has painted his Plate silver Words of Radiance (p. 950).
  • The Knights Radiant in Dalinar’s visions had “Plate [that] glowed with an even blue [or amber or red] light, and glyphs—some familiar, others not—etched into the metal. They trailed vapor.” The Way of Kings (p. 303). In another of Dalinar’s visions, we see armor glowing red Words of Radiance (p.73).

It stands to note that almost every single reference I’ve found to modern Shardplate includes a cape as well.

BEGINNER

Let’s start with the “easy” ones. EVA foam is one of the most commonly used materials for large armor builds like Shardplate among the cosplay community currently, due to its accessibility, ease of use, and the fact that it’s the least toxic and expensive of the many materials. Have you ever seen those interlocking mats that you can place on the floor, that look a bit like puzzle pieces? That’s EVA foam. Craft foam is also EVA foam and can be used for smaller, thinner pieces. You’ll need to make mock-ups out of posterboard to figure out your pattern beforehand, then cut and piece your foam together. You can achieve some rounded curves by applying heat, though these curves can lose shape over time. As for attaching, score the surfaces you plan to adhere, apply high-temp hot glue, and BAM. Done. Contact Cement or Barge Cement are also common methods of adhering it, but be aware that the fumes of these are toxic. Also keep in mind how you’re going to fasten the pieces together and actually wear the thing (you may need a squire to help you into and out of your armor). Snaps, elastic, straps, velcro, and buckles are some different ways I’ve found to hold armor to my person in the past. Here’s a great tutorial video on how to attach long-lasting straps to your armor.

The Sisters Mischief as Alethi and Veden Shardbearers

The Sisters Mischief made their fantastic suits of Shardplate with EVA foam.

“The trick for us was in deciding on a thickness that would allow us to both make our Plate hardy enough to withstand convention beatings and thin enough to accommodate those overlapping layers. Ultimately, because the price was right, we ended up going with big rolls of EVA that folks use for floor padding in garages, dojos, etc. In retrospect, I think we would have gone with something thinner around the joints; we had to sacrifice wearing our elbow and knee guards so we could walk, and the costumes didn’t look quite finished without them. TNT Cosplay Supplies and Wandy Foam are both wonderful suppliers of thinner foam in big rolls. And, bonus: their foam is smooth on both sides, which makes it a dream to glue and heat form.

“The two biggest tips I always revisit when I’m talking about EVA is to heat seal your foam before you get too far into your project. Whether you use an oven, a heat gun, or a blow drier, applying heat to your foam helps the cells shrink, so it’s less porous and more friendly towards primer and paint. Secondly…bevel your edges! Having a slight grade on the edges of your armor, particularly when using thicker than 3mm foam, is a great finisher.”

Think this is the right method for you? You’re in luck, for you’ve been visited by the Tutorial Spren.

  • Kamui Cosplay has a fantastic writeup on her website here on working with EVA foam.
  • Punished Props has some amazing tutorials on working with EVA foam, you can check them out here.
  • Yaya Han also has a good video on working with EVA foam armor, specifically on pieces that have a more molded or 3D look.
  • Amethyst Angel has an amazing set of tutorials on making thinner armor out of craft foam on her website here.

INTERMEDIATE

On to intermediate level. Worbla is a thermoplastic—a plastic that can be shaped and molded by applying heat. It’s become a staple of the cosplay community for armor and props, but if you’re planning on making an entire suit of armor out of it, be aware that it WILL cost you a pretty penny. I sunk about $800 into making Alphonse Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist years and years ago—that’s about how much you can expect to spend (if not more) if you decide to go this route.

Stephen from Deified Gaming modeling his suit of Shardplate

“Lyn, you mentioned 3D printing above! Can I just print out my Shardplate?”

Well… you can try. Be aware that 1. You’ll need access to a printer and 2. You’ll need print files. If you’re good with computer modeling software and can make it yourself, you’re off to a good start—but most commercial 3D printers won’t be able to print something as large as a breastplate in one piece, and it will take a long time. (For example, I have a medium sized 3D printer and it took me four days of straight printing and two printer cartridges to make Star-Lord’s helmet from Guardians of the Galaxy.) Once you’ve printed it, unless you’ve got a super high-end printer, you’re going to have to do some work cleaning up all those little ridges and making it smooth. I really wouldn’t recommend this method for a full suit of armor—the other methods listed here will be easier and less time consuming.

  • Once again, I’ll point to Kamui Cosplay with this video tutorial on working with worbla. You’ll need a heat gun, a lot of patience, and you’ll have to do a bit of work smoothing and painting the final product, but the results are well worth it. Your worbla armor will hold up far better than EVA foam, though watch out—you probably won’t be able to bend over or sit down anywhere! (Yes, I speak from experience on this one.)

ADVANCED

If you’ve got some experience and really want to go the full monty, pepakura builds and/or fiberglass are the way to go. The cost won’t be quite as high as with worbla, but the difficulty level shoots WAY up, and this stuff is SUPER TOXIC. I can’t emphasize this enough—if you work with fiberglass, do so in a VERY WELL VENTILATED AREA. You’re also going to be spending a LOT of time sanding, so invest in a good ventilator, a palm sander, and a dremel. The upside, however, is that this armor you could actually wear into battle. Fiberglass is used to repair cars and boats—you could probably deflect actual swords wearing this stuff. It will be heavy, but if you put the time into finishing it nicely it will be beautiful and tough as nails.

  • Here’s a brief explanation of what pepakura is—you’d be using it as a base to lay your fiberglass over.
  • Once you have a base (made of paper, cardboard, something rigid that ISN’T foam because the fiberglass will melt foam), you’ll begin with fiberglass and bondo application. Here’s a good tutorial on how to work with this method.
    • On a personal note, I’ve found that I really love a product called Apoxie-Sculpt for finishing details. I’m not a big fan of sanding, and bondo sets so quickly that you don’t have a choice—you’ll have to sand to get a nice smooth finish. Apoxie-Sculpt, however, is a two-part putty that takes several hours to harden completely. Once it does, it’s rock solid—as hard as bondo. The longer working time allows for more flexibility, and since you can use water to rub and smooth —like you would using clay—you spend a LOT less time sanding. The downside is that it’s more expensive than bondo.
  • I haven’t seen this method used in ages, but you can also cast fiberglass, which will result in less sanding but more prep work. The best tutorial on this I’ve found is this old one, but it’s a great writeup with lots of photos.
  • If you’re a good sculptor or need to make several pieces that need to be identical, you can cast armor pieces out of plastic. Here’s a tutorial on how to accomplish that.

Phew! That was a lot of information. Still with me? Good, because I have one more thing to talk about…

 

Shardblades

Sadly we can’t make them magically appear after ten heartbeats (if only, right?), but I do have some recommendations on how to go about making a GIANT HONKING SWORD that WON’T be impossible to lift and carry. (If you make one out of wood you’d better have been training as a bridgeman because you’re gonna need GUNS to carry that baby around all day, and most conventions probably won’t allow it.)

Thankfully, we here on Earth have access to a wonderful little thing called insulation foam, aka polystyrene. It looks like this:

not this:

For the love of the Stormfather don’t try to make props out of this stuff.

The Sisters Mischief used insulation foam and worbla to create their gorgeous Shardblades.

“The Shardblades are 5 ft. each—almost as tall as we are!—and made out of a PVC core and pink insulation foam that was then covered in worbla. Unfortunately, one of our favorite parts doesn’t show well in pictures…the blades are covered with tiny beads of condensation.”

Insulation foam is lightweight, cheap, and very easy to work with! It comes in either pink or blue, and can be found at your local big-box hardware store (like Home Depot or Lowes). It can be cut with a hacksaw blade, drywall saw, or even an electric turkey cutter, and it’s very easy to sand (I usually use a file to sand away the big parts first, then start hitting it with gradually higher density sandpapers.) You’ll wind up with a nice, smooth finish and a weapon that won’t break your arms—or your bank account. You can use a dremel to cut in designs or glyphs, and use fabric puff-paint to draw on raised designs (try craft foam for bigger designs or raised flat sections). A few warnings, however:

  1. Insulation foam will break very easily. Lean it against something and hit it the wrong way, and it’ll snap. So be gentle, and no dueling!
  2. Do not under any circumstances try to spray-paint it without sealing it first. Spray paint will melt the foam, as will some glues. Always try out any material you plan to put on the foam on a test piece first.
  3. Wear a facemask and eye protection when sanding it, and do it someplace where you don’t care about a metric ton of pink or blue dust getting all over everything.

Lots of people choose to finish their foam weapons with a variety of methods to make them more durable, like worbla (remember worbla?), plaster of paris, gesso, latex caulking, and (after it’s been sealed) plasti-dip.

For a bit of added stability for long props (like these), try using two thin pieces of foam and sandwiching a piece of PVC pipe between them.

Notes on specific Shardblades:

  • Oathbringer (Dalinar > Sadeas > ???): “Six feet long from tip to hilt … It was long and slightly curved, a handspan wide, with wavelike serrations near the hilt. It curved at the tip like a fisherman’s hook, and was wet with cold dew.” The Way of Kings (p. 202-203). “…curved, like a back arching, with a hooklike tip on the end matched by a sequence of jutting serrations by the crossguard.” Words of Radiance (p. 88).
  • Sunraiser (Elhokar): “It was long and thin with a large crossguard, and was etched up the sides with the ten fundamental glyphs.” The Way of Kings (p. 203)
  • Eshonai: “[It] was wicked and barbed, like flames frozen into metal.” The Way of Kings (p. 930)
  • Szeth (Note: This is an Honorblade, not a true Shardblade): “His Shardblade was long and thin, edged on both sides, smaller than most others.” The Way of Kings (p. 25)
  • Firestorm (Gavilar > Elhokar): “[It was] six feet long with a design along the blade like burning flames, a weapon of silvery metal that gleamed and almost seemed to glow.” The Way of Kings (p. 29)
  • Helaran Davar (Shallan’s brother) > Amaram: “It was engraved and stylized, shaped like flames in motion.” The Way of Kings (p. 671) It is also described as having a white gemstone in the pommel—or at least, the stone flashes white. (p.706) It is also described as being “etched along its length” Words of Radiance (p. 160).
  • Adolin: “Its surface was austerely smooth, long, sinuous like an eel, with ridges at the back like growing crystals. Shaped like a larger version of a standard longsword, it bore some resemblance to the enormous, two-handed broadswords he’d seen Horneaters wield.” Words of Radiance (pp. 219-220).
  • Moash: “…a shimmering silvery Blade. Edged on both sides, a pattern of twisting vines ran up its center.” It has a heliodor in the pommel. Words of Radiance (p. 780, 782).

 


Well, that’s all for now! I should be starting work on my own Shardblade soon (in hopes of having it completed by the November release party), so if you want to follow along on my progress and learn step-by-step how to make one, keep an eye on my Facebook page. Many thanks to Lady Cels for her fact-checking and links to additional tutorials for EVA foam construction, and of course to all the fantastic cosplayers who gave their permission for their photos to be used.

Lyndsey wants to make her own suit of Shardplate so badly, but she recognizes that she doesn’t have time to make all the cosplays on her wish list. If you haven’t had enough of her blathering already, follow her writing or cosplay work on her website or follow her on facebook or twitter.


9 Terrifying Books That Aren’t Shelved as Horror

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October is the perfect month for horror! But what if you’ve grown tired of everything the horror shelves have to offer?

To satisfy even the most jaded of appetites, we’ve rounded up a list of 9 sci-fi, literary fiction, and even non-fiction titles that will still leave you chilled. Let us know if we forgot any of your favorite non-horror horror in the comments!

 

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

The Road by Cormac McCarthyMaybe don’t read The Road if you’re a parent? Or ever want to become a parent? McCarthy’s book follows a man and his son as they try to navigate a barren post-apocalyptic wasteland. They push an old shopping cart loaded with stuff, they scavenge food, and they have to look out constantly for other survivors—if other scavengers find them, they might become food. The man keeps a single bullet in his gun, not for himself, but for the boy, in case they truly run out of things to eat, or become someone else’s prey. This book is unrelenting in its exploration of the horror of waking up each day in a world that can no longer support you.

 

The Brief History of the Dead by Kevin Brockmeier

The Brief History of the Dead by Kevin Brockmeier This novel is scary in an existential sense that you may find hard to shake. A scientist is left alone in the Antarctic after a disease begins wiping all of her colleagues out, and her attempts at communication with civilization are met with silence. She sets off across the ice to try to find anyone left alive, but begins to suspect that she may be the last person on Earth.

Her desolate journey is intercut with chapters set in the City, a bustling metropolis where people go after they die. There’s a catch, though: you only stay in the City as long as people on Earth remember you. And since the mysterious plague seems to be wiping humanity out, the City is beginning to empty, too. It’s also starting to shrink. As the dead explore the new boundaries of their City, they try to figure out what’s going on back on Earth, if there’s anyway they can control it, and, most urgently, what will happen as more and more of them are forgotten.

 

Beloved by Toni Morrison

Beloved by Toni MorrisonThis is a ghost story, but it’s also literary fiction, and it’s also a reckoning of our country’s history of slavery and exploitation of African and Indigenous Americans… so it’s not getting shelved next to Stephen King and Clive Barker.

After escaping Sweet Home, an enslaved woman named Sethe tries to build a new life for herself and her family in Ohio. But when a posse shows up at her door, ready to drag her back to the South, Sethe makes a terrible choice that will haunt her for the rest of her life. Years later, Sethe is still trying to make things work in Ohio when a woman shows up who may or may not be a ghost. The story turns into a gothic romance but at all points it is careful to keep its horror based in history, not any supernatural elements. As main character Sethe grapples with her past and tries to create a future for her family, we realize that as many problems as the ghost causes, she’s nothing compared to the terror wrought by the men around her.

 

The Sparrow and Children of God by Mary Doria Russell

The Sparrow by Mary Doria RussellThe Sparrow and its sequel are solidly sci-fi—there’s space travel, first contact, relativity-based shenanigans — but there is also a palpable sense of horror throughout the book. The novel begins with the knowledge that something went terribly wrong with the first human mission to the newly discovered planet Rakhat, and the book unspools through a relentless account of hope, cultural misunderstanding, and tragedy.

The book flirts with the idea that the horror lies in humans’ overreach—our seeking to learn too much, too quickly about the universe. The sequel, Children of God, takes the characters in a new direction that’s far more interesting… and even scarier.

 

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo IshiguroWhile this book has been classified as sci-fi, literary fiction, and even as a coming-of-age story, no less a horror expert than Ramsey Campbell named it one of his top five horror novels since 2000, saying it’s “a classic instance of a story that’s horrifying precisely because the narrator doesn’t think it is.” To avoid spoilers, we’ll just say that three kids grow up together at a fairly strict, health-obsessed boarding school. They fall in love, they fall out of love, they have petty squabbles and real disagreements—all the typical things that happen among a group of young friends.

One thing these kids don’t do, however, is plan for the future. There’s a heartbreaking reason for that, and as the book follows them on their journey through school and beyond, the true horror of their world is revealed.

 

Unwind by Neal Shusterman

Unwind by Neal ShusternanUnwind is young adult science fiction… but it sounds plenty horrific to us. In a dystopian future US that fought a Second Civil War where parents can opt to “unwind” their children—basically they sign them over to the government, so between the ages of 13 and 18 their bodies will be harvested. And in order to get around anti-abortion laws—100% of the bodies have to be used. But some kids choose to go on the run to avoid their fate. If they can stay ahead of authorities until they each turn 18, they might be ok…

The novel follows three runaways—Connor’s a malcontent who planned his getaway as soon as he learned of his unwinding orders, Risa, a ward of the state who’s just unlucky enough to get downsized, and Lev, who believes its his religious duty to go along with the unwinding—as they hop from safehouse to safehouse. Will they make it to safety? And even if they do, how can they last until they reach adulthood?

 

The Hot Zone by Richard Preston

hotzoneOne of the scariest books of recent times is this non-fiction work about the history of several filoviruses, including Ebola. Preston details a few cases in Africa, and tracks the history of outbreaks in Africa and Europe. He then devotes a section of the book to a 1989 incident in Reston, Virginia, in which a shipment of monkeys were found to be infected with a virus that lead to rapid death. Fearing it might be either the Ebola or Marburg virus, researches raced to isolate the monkey’s symptoms and contain the infection before it could spread beyond the facility. This outbreak is made all the more terrifying because Reston is about fifteen miles outside of Washington D.C., which would have been devastating to the Eastern Seaboard if it had gotten out.

While some of the accounts of Ebola’s effects are a bit over the top, this is still real-life horror at its best.

Résumé with Monsters by William Browning Spencer

Resume with Monsters by William Browning SpencerSure, updates on the Cthulhu Mythos are all the rage now, but William Browning Spencer’s Résumé with Monsters mashed the eldritch gods up with horrifying corporate America back in 1990! Philip Kenan was raised by an abusive man whose one kindness was reading him Weird Tales before bed. Now Kenan works an endless office job during the day, and by night keeps updating his own Lovecraftian tome, The Despicable Quest, because he believes the constant revision is keeping the Old Ones at bay. Plus he’s trying to patch thing up with his ex, Amelia, who may have just started work for a monster disguised as a corporation.

Spencer’s novel balances humor and weird horror with the every day horror of the 40-hour work week.

 

Top image: The Road (2009)
Originally published in October 2016.

Tough Mudder — Star Trek Discovery’s “Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad”

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It’s always dangerous to riff on a popular story you’ve already done. You do a thing, it’s nifty, and you think, “We should do that again.” Deep Space Nine does “Necessary Evil” and it’s brilliant, so they try to do it again with “Things Past,” and it doesn’t quite come together as well. The Next Generation does “The Inner Light,” and it’s a massive hit, and several Trek shows take another shot at something “Inner Light”-ish and it can’t light a candle. “Cause and Effect” was a great TNG episode, a brilliant use of the five-act structure by Brannon Braga and elegantly directed by Jonathan Frakes. Braga himself riffed on it later on in TNG‘s “Timescape,” which wasn’t anywhere near as good, though it was still a perfectly good episode.

Discovery’s “Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad” is a total riff on “Cause and Effect” (and also on Groundhog Day), and it’s not anywhere near as good. But it still works as an episode, mostly because the focus remains squarely on our main character.

One of the things I’m liking about Discovery is that it’s not about the captain and first officer. Lorca and Saru are important supporting characters, but the show is actually about Burnham. And while “Magic…” involves a threat to the entire ship—indeed, a threat to the entire Federation—the focus remains on Burnham.

We open and close with that old Trek standby, the log entry. The opening entry does what such logs have done since the first season of the original series, to wit, provide exposition. The war is going well, at least partly thanks to Discovery’s spore drive. Burnham herself is starting to slowly become part of the ship’s routine, with a station on the bridge and her friendship with Tilly developing.

The closing entry, though, is all about Burnham, and how far she’s come. It brings the episode full circle nicely, closing out one final loop.

In between, we find out that Harry Mudd got his hands on time-travel technology that allows him to re-live the same half-hour over and over again until he gets it right. Freed from consequence, he gets to do fun things like kill Lorca 50+ times (I must confess to finding the montage of Lorca murders to be embarrassingly entertaining), and learn more and more about the ship until he can take over the computer.

But there’s a wrinkle. The opening log entry also provides another piece of exposition that we really could’ve used last week: Stamets has truly taken the tardigrade’s place and he’s the one operating the spore drive. It’s resulted in a personality shift, as he’s much loopier and stranger (insert “he’s on shrooms!” joke here), but he also apparently exists outside the normal flow of time and space, which means he also remembers every single time loop (unlike everyone else, who re-sets).

It’s not that easy, though, as Stamets has a hard time convincing people of what he says at first, though he has an easier time with each loop as, like Mudd, he learns more each time. During one loop, he asks Burnham to tell him a secret by way of being able to convince her on the next go-round, which is how we find out that Burnham has never been in love.

The theme of love and affection and relationships are all throughout the episode, from Tilly’s drunken ramblings about the kinds of men she likes to Stamets telling the story of how he and Culber met to Tyler and Burnham dancing to the revelations about Mudd and Stella at the very end (more on that in a bit).

Stamets uses the attraction between Tyler and Burnham, because as chief of security, Tyler is the one who has the best chance of stopping Mudd in his tracks, but the rational-sounding Burnham is far more likely to convince him than a crazy-sounding Stamets, especially since Stamets isn’t Tyler’s type…

Eventually, Mudd gets what he wants: how to operate the spore drive. The missing piece through every loop has been Stamets himself, and the engineer is no longer willing to watch people die (he’s done it a lot at this point), so he reveals the secret to Mudd. At that point, they need to give Mudd a reason to reset the time loop one more time, so Burnham gives him something more valuable: her.

It’s a brilliant move. Burnham isn’t listed on the officer manifest, as she isn’t an officer anymore, so Mudd doesn’t realize that he has something way more valuable to the Klingons than the spore drive. He has T’Kuvma’s killer. The Klingons will pay a queen’s ransom for that—and then Burnham kills herself. It’s a ballsy move, and a risky one, as there’s no guarantee that Mudd won’t just cut his losses and settle for selling the spore drive.

However, she rightly bets that Mudd will always let greed win (something we’ve seen in every other appearance of Mudd), so he resets the loop one more time so he can sweeten the pot with Burnham as well as the spore drive.

The solution is very elegant. Mudd only took over critical systems, and they’re able to manipulate non-critical systems to learn things: scans of the gormagander (a space whale that’s nearly extinct—and I like that Saru and Burnham immediately move to save the creature when they discover it) that Mudd used to get on board, reading Mudd’s Wikipedia entry, and reprogramming the interface on the captain’s chair. Thus, while Mudd has computer control, he hasn’t summoned the Klingons to their coordinates, he’s summoned his wife Stella’s father’s yacht.

Last week, we got a revelation that put a 50-year-old character conflict into a new light. This time we get a retcon that makes a different 50-year-old character conflict way more palatable to a 2017 audience, as the revolting stereotype of the shrewish, hen-pecking wife really needed an update. Stella’s father is an arms dealer, and he’s not happy that Mudd made off with the dowry…

As with “Cause and Effect,” both script (by co-executive producers Aron Eli Colette and Jesse Alexander) and directing (by David M. Barrett) do a good job of abbreviating the scenes and shooting from different angles to keep things from getting repetitive. As with “Choose Your Pain,” Rainn Wilson’s Mudd is a delight. Wilson’s casual attitude toward the situation—due to knowing full well that there will never be consequences—and freewheeling self-centeredness helps keep the episode light. His presence makes the episode less like “Cause and Effect” and more like Groundhog Day (or, more particularly, Stargate SG-1‘s “Window of Opportunity“), which only helps matters. The show’s been very dark and gloomy in general, and a lighter episode is welcome, from the junior staff having a big-ass party to Mudd’s snark to Tilly’s drunken ramblings to Burnham and Tyler stumbling toward a relationship. (Apropos of nothing, it’s nice to finally have a Trek TV show that is willing to pay for the rights to music—prior characters’ interest in classical and jazz was as much motivated by the fact that such music is in the public domain as anything. Tyler and Burnham dancing to Al Green’s “Love and Happiness” was just perfect.)

The performances are brilliant all around, not just Wilson, but also our main characters, particularly Anthony Rapp as the frustrated Stamets trying desperately to free his crewmates from a trap they don’t even know they’re in, and especially Sonequa Martin-Green, who continues to kill it as Burnham. Every ensemble lives or dies on the strength of its lead, and Martin-Green is up to the challenge, as she accomplishes so much with her facial expressions and vocal inflections.

What’s frustrating is how underused Doug Jones has been as Saru, but it looks like next week will do a bit to correct that, based on the previews. We can only hope…

Keith R.A. DeCandido will be the special guest at the Providence Literary Festival in Providence, Kentucky on Saturday the 4th of November. Come by and say hello!

Steal the Stars Will Literally Stop You In Your Tracks (In A Good Way!)

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Steal the Stars Tor Labs Episode 1: Warm Bodies

There’s a moment, quite early on, in Steal The Stars that completely brought me up short. Actually made me stop on the pavement (over to the side, obviously—I’m not a monster) and just think about what I’d heard. This happens with really good podcast fiction for me, and it’s something I watch for—the moment when a story’s implications hit you right between the eyes, where a dramatic twist is perfectly landed. An early episode of Tanis did this for me. Likewise The Black Tapes and The Magnus Archives. It happens in my day job at Pseudopod regularly, too.

But Steal The Stars is the first time in a long time a full cast audio drama has achieved this effect. And it managed to do so not with any of the vast revelations at the heart of the story, but with a pair of character beats.

Steal the Stars is the story of Dakota Prentiss and Matt Salem, both employees of Sierra, a military contractor. Sierra are Blackwater with better press—which is to say they’re Blackwater with no press at all. Private defence contractors, they run their installations like the Foreign Legion crossed with every dystopian regime. You do your job, you show up on time, you do NOT fraternize off base, and you never get personally involved with your colleagues. Those that do get sentenced and transferred to very, very bad places.

Dak is the chief of security at Quill Marine, one of Sierra’s most secret facilities. Matt is the new transfer.

Quill Marine is home to a downed UFO, the corpse of its pilot, and the fungal mass growing on his chest.

For years, the scientists at QM have been studying the body, nicknamed Moss. And for years, they’ve been making gradual, inch-worm progress towards the truth. But when it becomes clear that the moss on Moss’ chest is dying, Trip Haydon, the company’s owner, sets an ultimatum—one vastly complicated by the fact that, against all orders, Dak and Matt have fallen in love…

What Mac Rogers has created here is a stack of different stories that feed off of and into one another. Dak and Matt’s romance drives the show, but so does the commoditization of extra-terrestrial life. The sinister monolithic actions of Sierra are a constant threat, but so are the reactions of their co-workers, most of whom are antagonists only because of the rules that trap them all. It’s a vastly complex, interrelated web of stories that drive each other along while dealing with the fantastic in resolutely normal, pragmatic ways. This is The X-Files shorn of any pre-millennial conspiracy romance. This is 24 without the cheerful willingness to torture anyone or anything. This is a thriller about love, and a love story about the last alien corpse.

And what truly makes the show is that both those stories are presented with the same, grounded, laconic realism. Quill Marine is a workplace, shot through with rivalries and friendships and office romance (despite the forbiddingly high price to be paid for such relationships). It’s the real world turned 25 degrees to the left, and the show uses Dak’s inner monologue and external speech to demonstrate just how fine a line she has to walk at all times. Director Jordana Williams is extraordinarily gifted and gives her actors exactly the space they need but no more. Every word matters, every silence matters. Everything is observed. Nothing is missed.

With a script this good and direction this intelligent, Steal the Stars is clearly in good hands—but the cast puts it over the top. They’re all incredibly strong performers but four actors in particular really shine: Nat Cassidy brings a Denis O’Hare-like joie de vivre to the role of Lloyd, QM’s brilliant, troubled lead scientist. Rebecca Comtois is excellent as Patty, Dak’s 2IC and in a kinder world, her best friend.

And then there’s Matt and Dak, played by Neimah Djourabchi and Ashlie Atkinson. Djourabchi has one of the hardest jobs here, playing a man who’s dutiful, kind, broken, and acutely aware of all three of those things. He nails the slightly-clenched attentiveness of the new guy while also capturing the deep reservoir of kindness and decency that’s somehow managed to remain intact inside his character. In doing so, he does the near impossible and makes a good man both interesting and complicated.

And Dak? Dak is the best lead character I’ve met this year, and easily the best audio performance.

Atkinson’s laconic, seen-it-all-before delivery invites you in before you’re even fully aware of what’s going on. Dak is an old hand, a veteran—she’s impossible to surprise and she’s impossible to shake. And Matt Salem does both. The way Atkinson lets us in on Dak’s secrets, the way we see her slowly wake up is sweet and utterly heartbreaking. Dak is a woman who has learned to live with and ignore the layers of mental and emotional scar tissue she carries, but when Matt arrives, she sees it all clearly and decides she’s had quite enough of it. The things she risks by changing and opening herself up are horrifying. And she knows that. And she does it anyway.

Dak’s struggle not just with emotion, but with realizing that she’s allowed to have positive emotions and experiences is one I know very well. She’s a survivor, and when you survive certain things you turn off parts of your personality, parts of your hopes, because you need that power elsewhere.

And when you realize that isn’t necessary anymore, it’s terrifying and amazing and like no other feeling on Earth.

That’s the moment that brought me up short, listening to the podcast. It’s the moment Dak describes herself as a “hearty gal,” spitting the words and everything they signify with enough venom to get them as far away as possible. The combination of bad self-image, self-loathing, and bitterness at how much you feel trapped in your own skin is note-perfect, visceral, and real. This is a reaction (albeit as someone of a different gender) I’ve had. It’s a reaction it’s taken years, and an extraordinary partner, to work through.

This is why Steal The Stars is so extraordinary. It’s a show aware of its characters’ damage and it uses that to deepen and further every level of the story. Dak and Matt’s romance, the office politics, and the battle for the soul of Quill Marine and Moss’ corpse are all driven by the need to be better and the very real possibility that they might not be able to be, and do, better. Dak and Matt are trying, anyway—and, for all their battered veteran mindset, it’s the hardest, and bravest, thing they could do. An extraordinary show in every way, Steal the Stars is a high-water mark for audio drama and podcasting. Go check it out.

The final episode of Steal the Stars is available on Wednesday from Tor Labs. Get caught up on the entire podcast here!

Alasdair Stuart is a freelancer writer, RPG writer and podcaster. He owns Escape Artists, who publish the short fiction podcasts Escape PodPseudopodPodcastleCast of Wonders, and the magazine Mothership Zeta. He blogs enthusiastically about pop culture, cooking and exercise at Alasdairstuart.com, and tweets @AlasdairStuart.

What Was the First Movie That Scared You?

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what movie scared you as a child Nightmare on Elm Street

Thanks to a well-meaning relative, or a pliant baby-sitter (or, occasionally, a malicious one), many of us are introduced to certain scary movies long before we’re actually ready to handle the long-term terrors they breed. Horror movie tropes often rely on a combination of our own irrational fears and a hyperactive imagination—for kids who already ardently believe in sci-fi and fantasy worlds, horror can be a bit much to process. And it turns out several of us at Tor.com have such movie trauma in our past.

From killer dolls to sleeping terror, each of these were basically phobias in the making for our tiny selves.

 

Child’s Play

Child's Play 2

When I was about four years old, I had a babysitter who lived in the apartment next door. She had a daughter who was eight. One day she was called in for a late night shift when she was meant to babysit, so she asked her ex-husband to come over and look after me and his daughter. I’d never met the guy before, which was weird enough—and then he decided to turn on a movie. Knowing that I had certain limits (even as a four-year-old, yes, I know), I dutifully asked: “Is the movie scary?”

He said, “No, not really.”

No, not really.

NO. NOT. REALLY.

Then he put on Child’s Play. You know, the horror movie about the doll who MURDERS KIDS. And when I realized that this plan was going very, very wrong, I asked if we could stop the movie so I could go to sleep. He told me that I was welcome to head off to bed by myself if I wanted to. (His daughter, being four years older, did not find the movie frightening at all and I don’t think she liked me much, so she didn’t really care that I was terrified.) I tried to stay in the darkened bedroom alone with my stuffed raccoon, but the shadows in the room were moving. I was certain of it. So I came back out into the living room and sat through the rest of the film with a pillow in front of my face. And that’s the story of how I spent the next few years convinced that a homicidal doll lived in my closet—until I was told by an acupuncturist with a good grasp on child psychology that I could ask my stuffed animals to protect me at night and do all my worrying for me. A year after that my fear of the closet finally vanished for good, but I’ve never really lost my deep-seated sense of panic when I’m reminded of that ridiculous franchise. Someone dressed their toddler up as Chucky for the 25th anniversary at New York Comic Con and I almost dropped-kicked that poor kid on sight. Looking up an image for this (above, from the sequel) was traumatic. I should have had someone else do it. I’m going to go look at pictures of puppies for an hour now. —Emily Asher-Perrin

 

Arachnophobia

Arachnophobia first movie that scared you

Every time I go to put on shoes, I curse my babysitter… Victoria, bless her, introduced me to some of my absolute favorite movies; I still remember the utter delight that gripped me over my first watch of Clue. But in her “what do you MEAN you haven’t seen it?” zeal, she’d sometimes pop in VHS tapes and DVDs that I wasn’t yet ready for. Case in point: Arachnophobia—which to be fair, didn’t know whether to market itself as a thriller or a comedy.

It’s got an insane premise, in which a deadly Amazonian spider hitches a ride to California, mates with a local spider there, and produces egg sac after egg sac of tiny, equally venomous, babies. The Amazonian general and his American queen are pretty horrifying, as face-sized arachnids go, but it was those teeny-tiny offspring that haunted me: dropping down from a lampshade right as someone tugged the string, lurking in the toes of shoes lined up in front of the door, and—I’m shuddering—the wave of baby spiders crashing over the TV while the news reports about the epidemic. The thought that death, no bigger than a quarter, could be lying in wait, struck fear deep into my eight-year-old heart. I still can’t put on my shoes without turning them over and shaking them out. Just to be safe. —Natalie Zutter

 

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street

For some reason I saw this when I was 6? 7? Our neighbors had it on tape, my mother and I went over for a movie night, and I cajoled her into letting me watch it—I had seen R-rated movies before! I was tough! And anyway I could always just go into another room if it upset me.

Therein lies the rub, because it didn’t upset me while I was watching it. I thought it was great. Freddy Krueger was hilarious and gross, the kids were sympathetic enough for me to care, but not so sympathetic that I was undone by their gruesome deaths. I related to the conundrum of wanting to stay up late and falling asleep against your will. I also really liked the reveal the Freddy had done terrible things to children—the fact that the parents murdered him felt like justice to me. But then you get that last, horrible scene, where Nancy Thompson’s mother is murdered by Freddy just when you think everything’s OK. In one perfect twist, Nancy realizes she’s still trapped in a nightmare, the justice achieved by killing Freddy is undone, and evil triumphs. Wes Craven was a master at creating resonant horror, and this is a perfect ending. Old, Grizzled Leah can do naught but salute it.

Unfortunately Small Leah had to go home and go to sleep immediately after watching the movie. I still remember the dream I had: I was at our house, exactly, every detail correct. My parents and brother were there with me. And the monster wasn’t even Freddy—instead I was stalked by a Grim Reaper figure, cloaked, with coal-red eyes, silent, who would disappear and reappear much closer to you, with no warning. I understood in the dream that I was dreaming, and that it didn’t matter, because if a monster could move between dream and reality with no effort, how did you stop him? My mother tells me that my nightmares continued for weeks, what I don’t think I ever told her was that the real nightmare was too much for a child to communicate: how could I ever know again when I was awake, and when I was dreaming? —Leah Schnelbach

 

Now that we’re thoroughly creeped ourselves out remembering our own traumatic movie experiences, we turn to you: what was the first film that made you hide beneath the covers?

Better Fiction Through Technology: Reconstructing the Lost City of Petra

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I was 13 years old when I first became fascinated by the famous “Lost City” of Petra: about a week after its release, my parents took me to the movie theater and I saw Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989).

Oh man, did I love that movie. Even today it’s in my list of top-ten favorite films. The acting, the direction, the music, the plot, the characterization, and even that meat-slap sound whenever Indy hit a bad guy… dang, I want to punch a Nazi just thinking about it.

My life as a professor is ever so slightly less exciting.

In addition to all that, I thought the incorporation of Real-World things was a fun and wonderful change from the rather fantastical turn of Temple of Doom. I mean, having Indy pop out of a sewer in the middle of a Venetian cafe (“Ah, Venice”) was positively delightful.

And then there’s that sequence near the end, where our hero and his two companions ride through a magnificently thin desert canyon and come upon an ancient ruin cut into the side of a cliff.

Not a CGI ruin. Not a miniature.

A real one.

The “Treasury,” seen through the Siq at Petra. It houses no Crusaders.

I’d heard of Petra before—when I was a kid our family encyclopedias were stored in my room and, well, I read them—but to see it on film was just jaw-dropping.

So at the ripe ol’ age of 13 I promised myself that I’d go there one day. And that dream remained strong, despite Michael Bay putting another piece of Petra on film in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009).

The “Monastery.” It houses no Transformers.

To my great regret, hiking Petra is a bucket list item I’ve not done yet.

I’ve done what I could, though, by going there in spirit… by making it one of two big new ancient locations (the other is Jerusalem) visited by my own set of heroes in The Realms of God, the third and final volume of the Shards of Heaven trilogy.

As fans of the series know, I try hard to get things right. I’m a historian by training, and if I’m going to do the research to try to get Roman military practices correct in my story, you can be damn sure that I’m going to do the same for ancient Alexandria, Rome, Carthage, Cantabria… and, yes, Petra.

There’s obvious research that goes into painting pictures of such ancient places—starting with analyzing every ancient description you can get your hands on—but there are a few unexpected avenues beyond all those books that I found to be enormously useful to my writing.

With NaNoWriMo approaching, I thought I’d let you in on three of the more unusual research tools that I used to build Petra:

1. Google Earth

Thank the gods I live in an age with easy accessibility to satellite images. Whether I’m identifying ancient and medieval battlefields for my day job as a professor or reconstructing places for my night job as a writer, Google Earth is a near-constant presence on my desktop.

Importantly, Google Earth is so much more than just those amazing satellite views: deeper connections to street view and resources like Panoramio can give you tremendous access to what it’s like to stand in a spot once you’ve found it via satellite. Plus there are functions for setting day and night angles of the sun—which, yeah, you can tie to historical dates—and even ways to amplify altitude differentials in order to get a clearer sense of topography.

2. Archaeology

It’s an old but true joke that archaeologists dig the past. And I’m so very glad they do, as the discoveries they make can fundamentally change our understandings of a place. As a writer of historical things, therefore, you’ve got to try to keep abreast of what has been found in the field. Sure, archaeology reports can be a bit of a slog to read, but they can also contain magnificent gems of discovery.

For instance, The Realms of God takes the reader not just into Herod’s Temple in ancient Jerusalem but into what’s called the Well of Souls beneath it (sorry, Indy, it’s not in Tanis). I’ve not been in that real chamber—access is pretty restricted these days—but a few archaeologists have. Their reports, and the great illustrations and photographs that go with them, were a boon to me.

A massive monument beneath the sands — found thanks to satellites!

And keep in mind that archaeology is ever-evolving. There’s an early chapter of Realms in which a young girl crosses the land south of Petra on her way to the Tomb of Aaron, the brother of Moses. I wrote the chapter on a Monday, and then on Wednesday I came across news of a new temple discovered just south of the city —discovered, as it happens, using satellite imagery that puts my beloved Google Earth to shame. I immediately contacted one of the archaeologists involved, the exceedingly brilliant Sarah Parcak (who has the best Twitter handle, @indyfromspace). I introduced myself and she generously shared some of their cutting-edge findings. As a result, I not only had to change my character’s route in the book, but I also got to put this previously unknown Temple into fiction for the first time. (And thank you again, Sarah!)

3. YouTube

Yeah, YouTube. Surprising, I know, but it’s not just for funny cat videos. The thing is, for pretty much any site of known significance, you can be sure that at this point someone somewhere has been there and recorded a video selfie of their experience.

The High Place of Sacrifice above Petra.

When it came to Petra, for instance, I have a really important sequence that takes place at a site called the High Place of Sacrifice. As I was writing this action sequence I had access to Google Earth imagery, on the ground still-shots (including 360-degree pan imagery), archaeology reports … and a couple of terrific videos of people who recorded their visits to the site. Still-framing one video in particular allowed me to combine it with archaeological data and visual contexts to get dimensional spacing for features not included in any site reports I found.

Put it all together, and you have enormously valuable resources for writing. Here’s my “map scrap” of Petra that I sent to Tor for the new novel:

Petra coming to life.

This is a Google Earth shot, with the topography slightly amplified, covered with my rudimentary drawing of some major features of the city and area, then coded to a legend to help the cartographer make sense of it all. The Tomb of Aaron is ‘D’, the new temple discovered by Prof. Parcak is ‘E’, the Treasury is ‘G’, and the High Place of Sacrifice is ‘J’… if you’re following along at home.

In the end, of course, fiction is fiction. My trilogy tells a story of ancient artifacts imbued with elemental powers and the struggle of people trying to keep the world and themselves together. So when I say that I have tried to make the setting as real and historically accurate as possible, know that I mean “as possible” within the context of story.

Still, I tried to get Petra more right than that sequence in The Last Crusade did: that Temple they find at the end of the Siq (that’s the name of the thin canyon) is the tomb of King Obodas III, and it’s relatively simplistic inside that fancy exterior, hardly the complex network of rooms and trapped puzzles that Indy and company found.

But, hey, inspiration is inspiration. Dr. Jones brought me to Petra in my mind. And maybe, hopefully, my work will do the same for some other folks.

Michael Livingston is a Professor of Medieval Culture at The Citadel who has written extensively both on medieval history and on modern medievalism. His historical fantasy trilogy set in Ancient Rome, The Shards of HeavenThe Gates of Hell, and the newly released The Realms of God, is available from Tor Books.

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